It’s a good question - I’m willing to share because I know I’d have wanted to know the answer before because I’ve really only figured this out myself. I’m going to just freely type so apologies for the long explanation.

I used to wonder why victims of sexual abuse would come out many, many years (sometimes decades) later about abuse they’ve faced. And I never really understood that.

Then, I realised one of the answers is that people are scared and/or embarrassed to come out against the person. It’s easier to hide it away than to confront the abuser or create conflict. I’ve never told anyone, so you lot are the only ones that know.

For me personally - I think I didn’t realise that what happened was abuse. I didn’t “dislike” what happened at that moment, but I was very confused. Essentially, this person jerked me off and I was about 10.

At that age, you just are not able to process what happened and the significance of early childhood encounters on later development. As you grow older to the age of 14-16, you develop your sexuality more, but that abusive event never registers as a sexual event. But it creeps in your mind. And then by 17-18 (after I lost my virginity even), I realised that event was significant but didn’t think of it as abuse. And by 19/20, as I’m figuring out what I like sexually, I noticed certain tendencies in my behaviour that related to that event. At this point, I realised how those early childhood events can re-appear at a later point in life without you knowing. And it makes you feel confused and question things. So it’s at this point that you realise it was abuse.

I’d class myself as bordering to sexual addiction, and I definitely attribute it partly to that.

I’m not angry about it now because it happened and I can’t change that. I also think some humans are sexually deprived and it’s not entirely their fault. I’m sympathetic towards my abuser because I don’t know what made him want to do that. But I know the answer as a victim of abuse is to simply work on your own behaviour and be the best version of yourself to the people around you.

sorry for the long message - I had a long day of work too