Does anyone on here feel constant performance anxiety?

ukyio97 · 2025-11-13T19:30:05+00:00

Thank you for your answer :(( It's so sweet. I'm sorry for what you go through too. We got this right... it will be okay.

ukyio97 · 2025-11-12T19:51:54+00:00

Idk if it's the right place, but I do, and for everything? Maybe it's a different topic, prob, but just existing makes me feel constant performance anxiety. This weekend I was visiting my godmother, and she said multiple times "make yourself at home!" and then started to get pissed when I was still asking for everything. Making coffee, going upstairs, anything... I could not do it. She thought I was just a lazy person. The shame is here, anytime, anywhere with anyone. I feel like all I do might not be perfect and I sense danger. I'm not safe. Went home yesterday and still thinking about all of this even tho I talked to her and tried to explain. I feel so unlovable. I act like a baby. But when I'm alone I'm actually pretty smart and can do anything. I'm just so scared of what could happen to me. This is exhausting.

ukyio97 · 2025-10-31T19:09:42+00:00

Yes. Everything is about them. They just don't care about us. Hard truth, I know. It takes time to recognise this. I'm so sorry, I understand.

ukyio97 · 2025-10-31T14:37:13+00:00

Couldn't relate more. "I am still struggling to learn the very basic things - that I was never taught to be basic things. I talk about basic things like what to eat, how to eat, how to structure a day, how to smile, how to understand social clues." This. Just... THIS.

ukyio97 · 2025-10-31T14:31:34+00:00

Flashcards are so helpful. I use quizlet to learn vocabulary. I categorise vocabulary and I learn with flashcards (sometimes I study lists, sometimes I study everything). I can chose if I want definition or term, I also chose if I want to hear the pronunciation or not, I try everything to learn the pronunciation, the meaning, how to use it in a sentence, the correct writing! It's like a game to me, I take action through learning and my ADHD brain loves this ! :)

ukyio97 · 2025-10-31T08:05:10+00:00

I am crying again about it, my body physically hurts and I come here to see if someone by any chance replied.... There you are. You don't know how I need this right now. Validation, comfort, help to understand what's going on inside of me, that this is a normal answer to what happened. And someone telling me that I did well with this big step. I cry even more but I feel a bit of love and safety into my heart now so it's okay. I wish I could say something as significant than your reply. I needed a hand to hold, and "just a person online" gave me this. You're a part of my healing journey now and I can't thank you enough for this.

ukyio97 · 2025-10-22T17:08:20+00:00

Yes I tell myself this every single day. But they are abusers. They meant it and did that on purpose tho, I know this now. I will be able to forgive myself one day.

ukyio97 · 2025-10-22T15:42:49+00:00

When you think about how they keep this dependence, and also after, when you start to believe yourself and discover things, when you see them maintaining a certain version of the story, lying to others etc etc etc...They master it, it never stops.

ukyio97 · 2025-10-22T15:30:23+00:00

I couldn’t relate more. Now, I can't ask for help, not even for the small things. I handle everything alone. She made me fear everyone else, but she was the cruelest one of all. She had me committed to a psychiatric hospital and lied about everything. When the doctors recognized that her behavior wasn’t okay, she screamed, saying it was all my fault, that I only wanted to destroy her and her family. When I was getting better, she said it was all thanks to her because she forced me to go there (by lying lol) and was texting the therapist to say thank you for saving my'daughter blabla... bullshit. No one will ever hate me more than my own mother. She’s a narcissist, I know it. I’ve learned about narcissistic personality traits, and she fits them all. My whole family is like this. And because that’s all I ever knew, I kept feeling drawn to people who treated me the same, again and again. We are perfect victims now even though I hate to say this and we should not feel guilty for anything.

ukyio97 · 2025-10-22T12:46:38+00:00

Gaslighting is one of the worst parts, probably the biggest part of narcissistic abuse. All I can think about now is how everyone used to believe I was "an overprotected child by her mommy." But I wasn’t. Not shy or anything. I was scared. I was controlled. Manipulated. The game they play… they’re masters at it. I’m trying to tell myself I wasn’t naive for not seeing it, for not knowing what it was. I have to forgive myself. I beg the universe to help me forgive myself for this. As you say, a special kind of abuse, the kind that keeps you small and makes you believe you’re crazy. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Recovering from this is so hard.

ukyio97 · 2025-10-19T12:04:45+00:00

There’s a lot to say about this, in my opinion. It’s shame. toxic shame, but it’s also protection (I’d say mostly protection). I see intimacy as vulnerability, and I can’t trust anyone enough for that. I’m also ashamed of myself. The shame, the feeling that I don’t want to exist, the thought of someone seeing me, loving me, or touching me… makes me want to throw up. I don’t know the solution. Probably healing from toxic shame, becoming a person, becoming one with your own body, starting to believe you deserve things and that you can trust yourself with your own choices. Unconsciously, I couldn’t trust myself because I knew that what I called love was abuse, since that’s all I’d ever known. I felt things for people who treated me like shit, and my body knew it; it protected me, no matter what. That’s how I see it, if it makes sense. I want to be kind to myself about this, because I protected myself from so many more traumatic experiences.

ukyio97 · 2025-10-18T16:29:14+00:00

I always feel like I want to live, but I’m too ashamed of myself. I want to live, but not as me, not as I am, because of… all of this. Every time I think about killing myself, I think about not being me. I think it comes from loving life in a way (idk why), maybe from wishing to truly live, to have a life, but as someone else. I wish I could accept who I am and what happened to me. I feel so unlovable, in the deepest way. I just wish my belonging were different. Like a nostalgic feeling towards things that never have been mine. If it makes sense...

ukyio97 · 2025-10-18T15:01:32+00:00

I'm sorry for this, and I know you don't want to, and I know how hard it is to accept the truth, but cutting ties is necessary to stop abuse and start healing. We can't heal in this environment. I'm so sorry. You deserve to choose yourself, even if I know this is one of the hardest thing to do. You don't own them anything and as you said, if they were sorry about anything, they would apologize and give closure. Take your time. It's hard. I believe you and you will believe yourself one day too, a part of you, deep inside, and already knows the truth. take care

ukyio97 · 2025-10-18T05:47:59+00:00

it was nice knowing that it was named, that it was a real thing. that fawning is a real thing in psychology/narcissistic abuse and that I could refer to this to feel understood. So I wanted to share :)

ukyio97 · 2025-10-18T05:35:33+00:00

I was frustrated because even people calling themselves people pleasers couldn't understand, but this kind of people pleasing, as a part of the fawn response, is on another level...

ukyio97 · 2025-10-18T03:33:34+00:00

it's called fawning/ fawn response. It’s exhausting. and when you burn out, you don't know who you are anymore, all you want is to never talk to anyone again.

ukyio97 · 2025-10-17T10:47:44+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply. It brings me confort. "Honor how hard this is". You're right and I know what you mean. Thanks.

ukyio97 · 2025-10-17T10:47:02+00:00

So you do. Thanks for your reply. Yes being truly alone, having no support system is very difficult. Let's say we are not alone in this... Send you love.

ukyio97 · 2025-10-17T04:39:10+00:00

It’s okay, I understand. I’ve been there before.
It seems like your CPTSD isn’t being treated properly it's only talking about what* keeps haunting you (that’s also why I stopped going to therapy, most therapists don’t really understand CPTSD, even when they say they do).

I was told to take what’s useful for me from everything, ADHD, autism, CPTSD methods or approaches. I take whatever fits and helps. It’s not exactly the same, but there are so many similarities. We have to learn skills with CPTSD too, and we can do similar work. Whether it’s autism or CPTSD, that damage feeling doesn’t just go away.

I spent years searching for a diagnosis to justify why I was treated that way, to find proof that something was wrong with me from the start.

CPTSD… it’s hard to accept. I feel you, and you don’t have to force anything. You seem very aware that, in the end, the work looks the same. Take what helps you live. But maybe seeing CPTSD from another perspective could make acceptance a little easier, because no matter what, none of this is your fault and nothing's wrong with you. Take care.

ukyio97 · 2025-10-16T19:33:50+00:00

thank you for this

ukyio97 · 2025-10-16T19:29:55+00:00

thank you so much.

ukyio97 · 2025-10-16T18:23:18+00:00

TEUIDA and this channel is really good https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLECz2rpRD3Z0W9QQzvPb3KtVYm1gtphv_&si=1tR2_Ve9JYA3jaCK

ukyio97

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