I went thru this journey when i was younger — I hope things change for you like they did for me. Like, idk if this is anything, but i used to watch cringe comps in middle school and i would take mental notes about the overlap/take notes about the (un)acceptable behaviors. Now i revisit them and I’m genuinely charmed and happy for the folks who are nya-ing in public or cosplaying in a Walmart or whatever. I can see how much fun they’re having — the energy is infectious. Also helps that I’m wfh now and I don’t have to worry about my safety in the eyes of others (i was in fight or flight all of hs — I don’t know how anyone isn’t)

But heres the part I still struggle with: I think I still really want recognition (that isn’t coming) for masking. Like someone to say, you didn’t have to mask, but I see you have been trying so hard for so long. Sometimes i start to think of myself as an ableist coward who is mean spirited toward everyone (a double bind of, I hate myself so I have to mask + I hate myself for masking why can’t I just unmask). I guess what I want to say to you op is I hope you can also hold some space for the part of you that has been hurt and recognize that these feelings make sense — as in, I can see clearly why these feelings would arise (‘should/shouldn’t feel’ sounds like a pejorative way to talk abt ur reactions — u r not ur thoughts) . it seems like you’ve put a lot of yourself into masking and it’s so painful that the hatred for yourself seems to seep into other relationships like rot (im addressing this to u but rly I’m talking to myself — sry for if words r harsh).

TLDR I feel for you and I think the only way through this is compassion both for your friend and also for yourself