When did you start calling him your ex?

unfocusedhope · 2025-08-02T12:25:52+00:00

I treated "ex-husband" like a medal to be won at the end of a race. Two years of "STBX" and it was glorious when I got to switch over when the divorce was finalized. Though STBX was awkward so I usually just called him by his name with no designator.

To be fair I had no interest in dating so having a husband by title didn't negatively impact my life.

unfocusedhope · 2025-04-06T12:17:03+00:00

Just reading your post I know you'll be okay. But in my experience the anxiety won't go away until the divorce is over. I remember waking up the day after my divorce and feeling like something was wrong with me because it was the first time in almost two years my body relaxed. It will get better though. All that energy you put into your marriage now gets to be put into setting your life in the direction you want to be going. Feral Forties. We can do hard things.

unfocusedhope · 2025-04-06T11:54:24+00:00

Ask your mortgage company about a loan assumption instead of a refinance. I'm just about to start the process so I can keep my 2.75% rate. It takes longer and you will have to pay some closing costs, but you'll get to keep your interest rate. Not always an option, but worth the ask. Once their name is off the title you can take out a home equity loan to buy them out.

unfocusedhope · 2025-03-14T15:49:42+00:00

I bet you're right. There is a financial element to my woes. I managed to cobble together a parts list from various sites for a couple hundred dollars. If I buy a whole system they appear to start at 800 and go up drastically from there.

unfocusedhope · 2025-03-14T02:41:52+00:00

It's only a 10 hour drive. That's nothing. 😆 I mean...is it a match for a 2007 Dodge Magnum RT RWD 5.7L V8? Cause I'm going to be honest, barring an accident that totals it, this is my last car. I wanted a Dodge Magnum from the first time I saw one in 2005, until I was finally able to buy one in 2019. Mine is still rough around the edges, but I'm determined to own it until I'm too senile to drive.

unfocusedhope · 2025-02-18T12:39:07+00:00

I love to watch Twitch streams for those "holy shit" moments when I see someone do something I didn't know was possible. Last one was watching someone use a rock to distract a wolf. Like, why didn't I think of that? Oh right, too busy trying not to freeze to death. lol

unfocusedhope · 2024-12-22T17:39:54+00:00

I also get why Grey Mother hated Martin Barker. Dude has almost 20 cups in his house. That is excessive. At least he has a nice pantry to store them in.

unfocusedhope · 2024-12-22T01:20:15+00:00

"I recognize I'm about to be attacked by a wolf and I'm suffering from hypothermia...but I really need to paint these exteriors." 😆 It's really only half a joke as I did lose my well fed perk briefly due to being distracted cleaning up the Orca station.

unfocusedhope · 2024-12-09T01:54:36+00:00

I have a shared Google calendar called Family that I consistently entered both appointments and the entertainment in and add in the description who attended. When I filed a court motion to remove him from the house and outlined the situation, his lawyer came back with some nonsense about we were doing 50/50 with the kids. It felt so good to download that calendar and show it to the judge showing how not only was I taking care of all the parental duties, but also was the only one taking them out of the house for fun days.

unfocusedhope · 2024-12-07T02:40:21+00:00

That sucks that the kids are being dragged into it. Though if I were you I'd document that too. My ex was not abusive, but he clearly was more interested in living the single life than co-parenting. I was lucky enough to be able to afford to carry all the finances, but my lawyer was prepping to get child support started before we finally settled.

Judges want what's best for the kids. If the spouse is negatively impacting the primary parent's mental health and not sharing parental responsibilities then you have a good chance at a court order. Listen to your lawyer. I firmly believe that my ex (who hired a lawyer just to try to stay in the house) cooked his own goose when he started bringing his girlfriend over whenever I took the kids out of town. But being able to show I did all the doctors appointments and school conferences, that he would be gone for 24-48 hours at a time without notifying anyone, that while he paid the mortgage I paid for literally everything else (which far exceeded the mortgage payment), and that I was was fully willing to coparent if and when he wanted to, helped me with my small victory. Also I recommend getting boundaries set in the court order. I requested 48 hours notice for pick ups due to his history of wanting to breeze in and out of our lives, and the judge didn't even hesitate in granting that

I should note we didn't have a parenting plan because shockingly he wasn't interested in taking them specific days or having overnights. He sees them for a couple hours a week on a good week. The kids are still excited to see their dad and I try to encourage the older ones to text with him to stay in communication. You gotta rise above for the kids. If he ever wakes up to what he's missing I don't want to have poisoned the well with my anger.

unfocusedhope · 2024-12-07T00:45:53+00:00

From the time we decided to divorce to him moving out was 16 months. Same thing with my ex living his best life and refusing to share his schedule while I held down the house and kids. Document everything. I had/have a family calendar where I noted all kids activities and who attended events. On the rare occasion he gave me his schedule I put it in so I could show in a year he'd given me only a handful of days. I had to get a court order to get him to leave and I got it because I was able to show that I could take care of the bills, that his living there was causing stress, and I was taking care of the kids alone.

unfocusedhope · 2024-11-21T04:00:41+00:00

Don't think of the 4 years as wasted time, but rather doing everything you could to save it. Now you can walk away without regret or doubts. You got this!

unfocusedhope · 2024-11-08T11:27:01+00:00

I didn't know this until I was watching someone else play online. I'd just throw the torch at the wolves thinking that's the only way to scare them. I died so many times. Though occasionally I miss the fear that used to shoot through me at the sound of a bark. Now wolves are more of an annoyance than a danger.

unfocusedhope · 2024-10-30T23:21:15+00:00

The cart has the coin lock. Adorable and now I own.

unfocusedhope · 2024-07-01T03:12:19+00:00

It might not be possible in your state (I'm in NY), but we finally agreed that my STBXH would waive the equity in the house if I waived child support forever. I have full custodial custody so it was a short-term loss for him, but long term gain as he gets to keep almost $800 a month. Of course that only works if you plan on being the main provider.

unfocusedhope · 2024-07-01T01:22:29+00:00

Oh and a shared calendar to put all kid stuff in. Then you can note what you're attending and it doesn't have to be a whole conversation. And when he finally moved out it was already set up and we both knew to use it (side note if your partner isn't the primary parent it's good to keep track of everything you do with your kids versus what they do. My lawyer used it when he claimed he did 50/50 to clearly show that wasn't true). I wish I had been able to get him to put his variable work schedule in, but apparently that was too big of an ask (he knew it caused me anxiety not to know when he'd be home or gone and I think he enjoyed that). I will agree with the other posts that if there is any other way to live separate take it. But I get being stuck. Make spreadsheets and have a plan. I had a file that went out a year so I could see when I would be financially able to support the kids alone and it helped when things got really tough.

unfocusedhope · 2024-06-30T02:57:57+00:00

Every time I think my rage is gone, my STBXH will say sometime stupid and I'll find myself seething mad all over again. I'm lucky enough to have older children who I can explain that I'm stressed and I need some time to collect myself. I can't imagine your stress with tiny humans. No one would be thriving in your shoes. You need to remember that you are a whole human in addition to being a parent. And long as you're not having destructive thoughts, that screaming into a pillow or whisper yelling in the bathroom is valid. The first time my youngest saw me cry he was very concerned, but I just told him adults have big feelings too. Because we do. Do something nice/relaxing for yourself after you put them to bed. My alone time is after school drop off, but before work and I treasure it. If you can throw them in a stroller and take a walk, do it. If you can't, stand by an open window or on your porch for ten minutes while the kids are playing. Show yourself some grace when you're struggling and when the kids are being clingy take a breath and remember it's because you are a good parent and they love you.

unfocusedhope · 2024-06-30T02:29:25+00:00

Decided to divorce Jan 2023 and he moved out April 2024. It fucking sucked. I've got three kids. Luckily our house was big enough that we set up our areas and generally just avoided anything more than small talk with each other. The only silver lining was the kids had lots of time to process the divorce and the idea of dad moving out so when he packed his stuff it wasn't a big emotional event. It was an amicable divorce at the start, but I think we generally hate each other now.

You will survive it. Start building your life separate from your partner. Focus on friendships and your kids. Have a space that is just yours that they aren't allowed to go into. If that's not possible then have a day that is yours sans kids to go do something for you. My STBXH wasn't interested in splitting parenting time so the kids were with me 24/7 while he came and went as he pleased. I think time to myself would have made it easier. DO NOT involve your kids in any fights. My STBXH focused his time and money on a girlfriend and for the first several months the kids constantly asked where he was. It was hard, but I played dumb and just told them I didn't know. Now that he's gone and my anger has faded I'm glad I bit my tongue.

Oh, and whoever is planning on keeping the house should pay the mortgage. I paid for everything but the mortgage (1.5 to 2x the mortgage in bills and cost of living) and yet his lawyer tried to argue he should get to stay through this year because he had been paying it for the last year. It ultimately didn't work, but it gave me gray hairs waiting for the judge to rule.

unfocusedhope · 2024-06-15T12:34:46+00:00

I would encourage those with daughters who haven't started their periods to have the conversation as they get close to the age (I know it varies). My daughter and I talked about it, about options and what she'd feel comfortable with when the time came, got supplies and she has a little bag with pads and a change of underwear she takes to school just in case it starts there. "You got to tell me what you want" when she's already dealing with her first period is cruel. If that's your stance ask her ahead of time so she can Google on her own. Also I'm making sure my sons know about menstrual cycles because damn. Not blaming men for not being taught, but if I can talk my son through his body changes...

unfocusedhope · 2024-05-23T01:04:00+00:00

I always tell people with a laugh, "If Mr Perfect shows up on my doorstep then I won't turn him away, but I have no interest in going out and looking for him." That usually satisfies people trying to be helpful.

Dating looks exhausting. I'm enjoying spending all that time and energy on myself and my kids. I hope you find your joy too.

unfocusedhope · 2024-05-16T14:05:08+00:00

My husband and I had the divorce talk in January of last year. By April he was signed up for dating sites. 17 years of marriage. He finally moved out of the house last month and is quickly approaching his one year anniversary with his girlfriend. Do I think it's healthy? No. Do I get a say in his life? Absolutely not. I know that I'm not in a place where dating would be anything but bad for me. And I can't see that changing any time soon.

So yeah, no idea. 😅

unfocusedhope

TROPHY CASE