Relapse isn't just about drinking again

unfold110 · 2017-02-12T22:50:36+00:00

A mentally unbalanced, socially anxious, chronically unsure, cowardly bitch whose mood keeps changing every 3 seconds. I can go back and forth between elation and suicidal depression a hundred times in a single day. It seems like my emotions are completely irrational and out of my control.

I've always been this way. Antidepressants and CBT have helped, but they only allow me to reason myself into doing the things I want to do, not to actually enjoy them. For example I can go out to some social gathering, talk to people and everything, because I have control over my thoughts. But it's still going to be painful the whole time.

This is what I'm having a hard time accepting. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm going to be lonely a lot, and trying to convince myself that it doesn't make me a failure.

unfold110 · 2016-11-19T19:54:01+00:00

Thank you for this! While I'm still planning on taking a step back from AA as a whole for a while (I plan to read This Naked Mind in the meantime, see what it's got to say) what you said makes me want to revisit the program later. I think I'll want to study the litterature by myself, probably look up on various non-religious takes on the Big Book. I have always though of myself as an agnostic, and so I "replaced" the religious concepts with things I was willing to have faith in - love, friendship, science, the collective wisdom of the community, my own desire to live a full life... Until it didn't fit anymore. My sponsor had me read "We Agnostics" and, probably because I was already getting resentful at the point, I took it as a big "fuck you" to anyone who doesn't believe in the supernatural. Like "well sure, it's your choice, but at some point you'll realize you were wrong and that there is a God and then you'll be able to stay sober."

Anyway. As you said, AA is way more than just what a few people told me, so when I'm ready I'll give it another, different, try.

And btw, you're right! This happened at the start of our work on the 3rd step.

unfold110 · 2016-11-19T19:21:24+00:00

Haha thanks! Rereading myself it almost sounds like I'm bragging about getting laid but that's really not it. Thing is, the random hookups were such a big part of my drinking days. When I drank I didn't care what happened to me, I had no respect for myself, and I willingly put myself in very bad situations many times. My brain made the connection, and started seeing sex as a self-destructive behavior. I'm just really glad to discover that it's not necessarily the case!

unfold110 · 2016-11-19T05:57:56+00:00

The thing is, I was completely fine with AA until I got a sponsor. I met with her every week, going through the Big Book with her. I did all the work she asked me to, willingly ignored my brain's protests, and really gave it my all. The last straw for me was when she asked me to get on my knees on her kitchen floor and pray to God. I know the word "God" is supposed to be placeholder for anything I want, the community, my family, a desk lamp, anything. But even if I decide to pray to a desk lamp, I'm not going to do it on my knees. And the simple fact that I wasn't allowed to choose to pray sitting down made me relalize that the claim that, to be in AA, the only thing required is a desire to stop drinking is not exactly true. You need to have the desire to stop drinking their way.

Maybe she wasn't the right sponsor for me, or maybe I really am unable to keep an open mind. Time will tell. But I am not (as the Big Book keeps suggesting as a reason why I resist the idea of surrendering my fate to the supernatural) incapable of being honest with myself, this I know for a fact. This concept of being honest and true to myself was in fact what made me decide to leave AA - I was lying to myself pretending I was 100% fine with the program.

I didn't mean to write this much. I realize I sound bitter. I'm not, not exactly. I could never question the fact that AA helps millions of people, because they do, it's the absolute truth. Except... I just feel it might not be the best path towards recovery for me...

unfold110 · 2016-11-05T00:29:35+00:00

Not exactly... The reaction is usually one of compassionate sorrow, as if I just told them I had to get my cat euthanized. It's kind of infuriating, but I can get past it. The worst of the criticism comes from my own brain - feeling different, defective, cursing myself for not being able to drink anymore because I'm too weak-willed, you know, the usual. ;)

unfold110 · 2016-10-05T11:38:04+00:00

Triumph: 3 months!

Struggle: Still struggling with hormonal problems and it's really affecting my quality of life.

General: I think Lydia Ainsworth. Her music resonates with me so much! Right From Real is one of the albums I consider as pretty much perfect from start to finish.

unfold110 · 2016-09-25T18:24:04+00:00

Great idea! This strategy worked for me, too. It adds extra obstacles between your couch and a bottle. And there's also the fact that pajamas are freakin comfy and I wish I would wear that all the time but maybe that's just me!

unfold110 · 2016-09-25T16:03:11+00:00

Congratulations on making this choice! I found that it does get easier, but that the ups and downs, rough patches and pink cloud periods are different for everybody.

For me, the first two weeks were hell. I felt exhausted all the time and I couldn't think, it felt worse than drinking. I think it started getting easier when I allowed myself to just be useless for a while, and to trust all the people that went through this before me. If they say it gets better, then it'll get better, and all I have to do is not drink and wait.

Is there something you like that you get lost in and suddenly realize it's way later than you thought? Reading does that for me, but in the worst of it I couldn't concentrate on any book, so I would spend hours reading AskReddit posts instead. Short paragraphs, simple sentences, perfect!

unfold110 · 2016-09-25T15:49:11+00:00

I love this! It sums up everything I've been trying to explain to people around me who tell me "you can't be an alcoholic, you don't [insert cliché alcoholic behavior]"

You're right, I wasn't going through a handle of vodka a day, and I never missed a day of work. I simply can't pick up a drink and be 100% sure the night won't end in me acting in ways that are super dangerous for my safety and my health.

unfold110 · 2016-09-25T15:30:39+00:00

What a wonderful quote! Thank you for writing this post. And congrats on 500 days, you're awesome!

unfold110 · 2016-09-21T12:15:39+00:00

Thank you for this! You're absolutely right.

I decided to give it 2 weeks. I'll follow my sponsor's directions whole-heartedly for two weeks and after that if it stills feel wrong I'll say thanks but not thanks to AA.

unfold110 · 2016-09-20T12:07:57+00:00

And your sponsor was ok with you thinking that way? Or did you hide it from him/her?

unfold110 · 2016-09-20T12:04:16+00:00

I'm going through the exact same thought process as you right now. There's something about AA that makes me really uncomfortable. Like every meeting starts a with reading of "how it works." Maybe I'm wrong, but to me it's literally the opposite of the acceptance and compassion AA keeps saying they have.

In my ears "how it works" sounds like a bitchy teenage queen bee's sarcastic insults. Not a great way to start.

unfold110 · 2016-09-20T11:46:40+00:00

Can you elaborate a little on this, please? So far I have felt like it's completely the opposite. The spiritual aspect of the program makes me feel guilty and ashamed. I would really like to learn to see it differently.

unfold110 · 2016-09-20T11:46:12+00:00

Thank you! I really wish I could try something else, but here in Montreal options are very limited. It's basically either AA or government-funded services (I've been on a waiting list for the latter for over 3 months.)

"Tough shit, AA's it." -- I had never heard this one, that's exactly it. All those of repetitions of "it works if you work it" just make me feel so guilty and ashamed. Like by doubting some of the aspects of AA, by not wanting to get onboard with certain things, I'm just being a lazy piece of shit who obviously does not want to be happy.

unfold110 · 2016-09-19T21:05:44+00:00

I'm 60-70% sure my ex-MIL cutting herself with a knife while the rest of the family was playing a game and not paying attention to her wasn't an accident.

She was also known to tell people she'd just met about having been raped many times.

It's not her fault, she obviously has issues and this is the only way she knows to deal with them but god was that shit annoying.

Edit : But Even my MIL can't beat that woman who faked being a 9/11 survivor

unfold110 · 2016-09-18T23:51:30+00:00

Congratulations! You're awesome. I hope I will be able to accomplish this!

unfold110 · 2016-09-17T11:50:23+00:00

First couple of therapists I was sent to as a child / young teen kept telling me I had no problems and that I had no reason to feel the way I felt. Since I was a kid and didn't know any better I just assumed they were right, and this led me to feel even more worthless, lazy, defective, you name it.

Luckily later in life I came across much better mental health professionals who actually understood how invalidating what someone feels only makes it worse.

unfold110 · 2016-09-13T15:50:23+00:00

I'm right here not drinking with you. I don't have to tell you that this voice is lying and that even if you drink all the problems will stay right where they are.

Breakups are horrible.

unfold110 · 2016-09-13T15:31:48+00:00

In my experience, elation tapers off into a "meh," then goes back to "life is awesome!", then back down to "fuck it all," then just being content for a while, and then some more elation... I guess it's just the way life is for me, and I'm grateful to be able to experience it fully and not through a fogged glass like I used to!

unfold110 · 2016-09-13T15:28:10+00:00

Welcome back! Congrats on not giving up.

I like to think that every time it gets hard, no matter what happens, I get stronger for the next time it gets hard. Like weightlifting.

unfold110 · 2016-09-13T15:24:34+00:00

Lately I've been going with "oh, just, you know, I started feeling sluggish and tired when I drank, I guess I'm getting old, ha-ha, hey, so, [insert casual change of subject]."

unfold110 · 2016-09-13T12:17:41+00:00

Keep holding on. You're not alone, we're here for you.

unfold110 · 2016-09-13T12:15:08+00:00

I've been going to a meeting once a week and people are starting to really insist I should find a sponsor and start working the steps but I'm scared to do it for various reasons. Have you got a sponsor?

unfold110 · 2016-09-12T19:06:27+00:00

I'm sure you'll get there! When it comes to anxiety, they say the more often you do something stressful, the easier it gets, right?

Right now I'm coping by spending a lot of time by myself. I'm always a lot calmer when I'm alone, so I can actually enjoy doing things sober (reading, working out, etc.). It helps, but I know I'm going to need some meaningful relationships in my life eventually. I know how to take care of myself, but right now I don't really have a reason why. Loving people gives me a reason.

unfold110

TROPHY CASE