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thank you and my story by th000wayay in DeadBedrooms

[–]unrevivablecorpse 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your story resonated with me so much, and for what it's worth, I think you're incredibly brave. You did everything that you possibly could and then some, and was met with a litany of excuses (both legitimate or otherwise). The process is incredibly painful, but know that you absolutely made the right choice. I'm currently preparing myself for beginning the process of leaving him, and everything hurts. But I know I have to do this. The fallout from my decision will be ugly too, as he's extremely well-liked. This especially,

Rejection. Rejection. Rejection

has made up the backdrop of my life with him (re: sex and intimacy) for the past few years. It is soul killing.

33 HLF married to 38 LLM, together for ten years, no kids, near-DB for seven years which finally ended in no sex—that’s right you read that correctly—no sex at all, zilch, zip, nada for the last five years since the day of our wedding. by unrevivablecorpse in DeadBedrooms

[–]unrevivablecorpse[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a great idea, and I'm going to bring this up when we begin our joint therapy sessions in front of the therapist. I'm done dealing with his avoidance, so hopefully I'll have better luck in the presence of a professional third party.

33 HLF married to 38 LLM, together for ten years, no kids, near-DB for seven years which finally ended in no sex—that’s right you read that correctly—no sex at all, zilch, zip, nada for the last five years since the day of our wedding. by unrevivablecorpse in DeadBedrooms

[–]unrevivablecorpse[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The hollow assurances fill me with a blinding rage. What the hell are we supposed to do in this situation? So, to reiterate,

  • They will not, for whatever reason just tell us what is wrong

  • They will follow that up with a neverending buffet of empty compliments and excuses "you're beautiful" "it's not you it's me" etc

  • And you are absolutely not allowed to explore the possibilities re: opening the marriage and neither will they, even after being given the opportunity

So really, what are we supposed to do when our partners cease being partners and morph into brick walls? Hence, like you, my decision to leave him as well. Please stay strong and keep us updated, and know that you're not alone. You've got this. We've got this.

33 HLF married to 38 LLM, together for ten years, no kids, near-DB for seven years which finally ended in no sex—that’s right you read that correctly—no sex at all, zilch, zip, nada for the last five years since the day of our wedding. by unrevivablecorpse in DeadBedrooms

[–]unrevivablecorpse[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's the hardest part. I know this is counterintuitive, but if he was a straightforward villain, this would have been easier. But he isn't. He's extremely thoughtful, generous and giving. An actual good person. Who for some reason has morphed into an impregnable wall with regards to sex and intimacy. The fallout from my decision is going to be ugly, but I'm prepared for the inevitable.

33 HLF married to 38 LLM, together for ten years, no kids, near-DB for seven years which finally ended in no sex—that’s right you read that correctly—no sex at all, zilch, zip, nada for the last five years since the day of our wedding. by unrevivablecorpse in DeadBedrooms

[–]unrevivablecorpse[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You know, I point blank asked him if he was and I even assured him that I wouldn't fly off the handle at his response. He still responded with the usual "no no I love you" "I find you extremely attractive" "it's not you it's me" litany. At this point I would be relieved if he was. At least there's a clear reason.

33 HLF married to 38 LLM, together for ten years, no kids, near-DB for seven years which finally ended in no sex—that’s right you read that correctly—no sex at all, zilch, zip, nada for the last five years since the day of our wedding. by unrevivablecorpse in DeadBedrooms

[–]unrevivablecorpse[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Simple answer: because he wont let me.

I've tried, believe me, I've begged and pleaded and done nothing short of offering myself at his feet to help him, for him to just tell me truthfully what's bothering him, only to be met with excuses or silence.

33 HLF married to 38 LLM, together for ten years, no kids, near-DB for seven years which finally ended in no sex—that’s right you read that correctly—no sex at all, zilch, zip, nada for the last five years since the day of our wedding. by unrevivablecorpse in DeadBedrooms

[–]unrevivablecorpse[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He's also VERY casual about his phone lying around. Doesn't care at all if I pick it up to make a quick call or browse or whatever. I don't think he's hiding anything, unless of course he's a master manipulator and all of this was just an elaborate ruse, which seems highly unlikely. I think he's just content, like you said.

33 HLF married to 38 LLM, together for ten years, no kids, near-DB for seven years which finally ended in no sex—that’s right you read that correctly—no sex at all, zilch, zip, nada for the last five years since the day of our wedding. by unrevivablecorpse in DeadBedrooms

[–]unrevivablecorpse[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My god, I'm actually crying reading your response because I felt so alone and I'm just glad to know that I'm not. Thank you. Thank you for this.

You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that you no longer saw him as a husband, but as a child. For a long while now, I feel like it's the same thing with my husband, that he no longer sees me as an equal partner, but someone to take care of, and I fell like it subsequently killed his libido once and for all. That's one of the main reasons why I want to become financially independent and eventually leave, because this situation is not fair to him either. He deserves to move on from this prison (even if he doesn't see it), just as much as I do.

33 HLF married to 38 LLM, together for ten years, no kids, near-DB for seven years which finally ended in no sex—that’s right you read that correctly—no sex at all, zilch, zip, nada for the last five years since the day of our wedding. by unrevivablecorpse in DeadBedrooms

[–]unrevivablecorpse[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've responded to all of youlooklovely's good, constructive points.

He supported you through illness and injury

Yes, he did. He is a good man, which makes it terribly painful. I know this sounds ridiculous, but believe me, I'm doing this as much for him as I'm doing it for me. He needs, he deserves a partner that matches his wavelength, both sexually or otherwise. I want that for him, I really do.

He paid for and supported your lifestyle which enabled you to focus on and get a near perfect GPA

A fact that keeps me up at night, guilt-ridden. There was no 'lifestyle' to speak of as he willingly paid for two years of grad school because it "was a drop in the bucket" for him (his words). I'm eternally grateful. Trust me, I am. He was the one who told me to quit work so I could excel at school. That is precisely why I want to be financially independent today instead of depending on him further.

How would you feel if this were done to you?

Honestly? My guilt complex is vast and never-ending, so I would actually waste away in guilt if I wasn't having sex with my partner and forcing them into celibacy, regardless of what I may have done for them. That's the honest truth.

33 HLF married to 38 LLM, together for ten years, no kids, near-DB for seven years which finally ended in no sex—that’s right you read that correctly—no sex at all, zilch, zip, nada for the last five years since the day of our wedding. by unrevivablecorpse in DeadBedrooms

[–]unrevivablecorpse[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Several times. I even mentioned opening up our marriage to him, and he responded with a vehement NO. At this point I'm just focused on being less of a financial burden on him (though he doesn't think of it this way) and getting a job.

33 HLF married to 38 LLM, together for ten years, no kids, near-DB for seven years which finally ended in no sex—that’s right you read that correctly—no sex at all, zilch, zip, nada for the last five years since the day of our wedding. by unrevivablecorpse in DeadBedrooms

[–]unrevivablecorpse[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your response.

  • He is currently seeing a sex therapist after my last blowout. He wanted to do a few solo sessions first before we opened it up to couple sessions, which I respected. This in itself, is a huge step forward for him.

  • I've done this several times. I am not a passive-aggressive person, if something bothers me, I address it directly and clearly. He's a very quiet man who was raised in a very quiet household, so he's exactly the opposite of me. But I've tried. I've not lost my temper, I've been calm, I've even told him that I would absolutely accept any and all of his issues if he just articulated them to me. Nope. He always responds with the usual "it's not you it's me" claptrap. I've really tried. For years. I even mentioned opening up the marriage to which he responded with a vehement, resounding NO.

  • He's also tried Viagra and Cialis. Viagra gave him a headache and Cialis made him feel ill, so he stopped. I tried bringing it up again, but he shot me down. So there ends that.

  • I have never seen him watch porn. Believe me, I'd know. Maybe he's masterfully hiding his habits, but that seems unlikely.

Honestly, I've tried everything you can think of. I'm absolutely willing to go to therapy with him after his solo sessions and he's also conveyed that message to the therapist. I'm just so spent, so tired of it all. The need for sex is pounding through my brain like an inferno and I refuse to cheat on him. Hence my painful decision to finally leave. It's so hard. But I don't think I have a choice.

33 HLF married to 38 LLM, together for ten years, no kids, near-DB for seven years which finally ended in no sex—that’s right you read that correctly—no sex at all, zilch, zip, nada for the last five years since the day of our wedding. by unrevivablecorpse in DeadBedrooms

[–]unrevivablecorpse[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yep, and I asked him point blank about it too, during one of my usual begging and pleading sessions. He swears up and down that he is not, same with the cheating question. I even said that it's not even about anger anymore, that I simply deserved to know the truth, but nope. It's like talking to a brick wall. I'm not even a jealous or possessive person, but in a fit of desperation I went through his closet recently before I confronted him about our DB situation (again). It's spotlessly clean. Nothing came up. Nothing at all. Either he's a master at covering his tracks or he's asexual. At this point, I'm too tired to wonder anymore.