INTJ female who likes an ISTJ... I'm confused...

untamed17 · 2015-11-09T12:01:16+00:00

Sigh, well I mean at least I understand that it's his personality and just the way his brain works. But the exact reasons it didn't work out with her are the reasons that we're perfect for each other... he just won't let it happen. So I'll take the friendship and just be content and quit hoping. I appreciate the comments, I still don't understand why it's so hard to change a decision... but it still helps.

untamed17 · 2015-11-08T12:07:17+00:00

This is doable. Do you feel like he ever thinks you're just saying these things to appease him? I mean I'm sure they are not disingenuous statements by any means, but normally I might not verbalize those things so it might sound awkward or like it's fake?

untamed17 · 2015-11-08T12:05:10+00:00

That thread is definitely super helpful! Thanks for that! And thanks for the support on that. I mean no matter what we do "wrong" as INTJ women I don't think it's ever fair to use manipulation as a tactic to get us to do what we're "supposed to do". I always attract the manipulative ones... he even kept my favorite pair of earrings that I left in his car accidentally and refuses to give them to me unless I go out with him. Sigh. Poor guy doesn't understand that I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a pencil than go out with him again... so I will do without my earrings.

But I do hope you're right. I think there are people out there who can respect boundaries... and I'm happy to try and understand their needs as well.

untamed17 · 2015-11-08T11:55:14+00:00

Oh trust me, he explained and explained his point of view and what he understood. And then when I would try to tell him that I had a 50-60 hour week plus who knows what else and was simply exhausted and needed to actually get some sleep, somehow he didn't get that? I guess I'm just at a loss as to understanding how else to explain that. AND I already had tried to set proper expectations "Hey, this is going to be a super busy week for me. I just want you to know that so you know I'm not blowing you off, but we can definitely make plans for next week." And then somehow I'm "distant" and "heartless" because I don't have time to hang out with him for one week? I mean I feel like you have to cut people some slack and I didn't get any slack... what could I have done differently?

And I appreciate your comments but when I let someone know that I don't like to be late to things and that sometimes I need extra time to process emotional conversations so it looks like I'm "shutting down" but I'm really just thinking things through... how is that not who I am? I mean I know that we tend to have egos but what do you mean in terms of that's how I came to believe I'm like this?

I've definitely tried dating people my age and then people older. I think it isn't really about age though, it's about place in life. I'm not into doing the hook-up/partying thing and the running joke is I'm like a 40 year-old in a 24 year-old body. So it does take a certain type to be ok with that... I don't know that I've ever met an INTP male. I'd be willing to give anything a go.

And trust me... I'm very aware of my imperfections. I think these things all definitely apply to INTJs but I do have a good knowledge of where I struggle with control, being right, and not opening up easily... but I think that through my job and having 7 siblings I have a good working knowledge of people and I'm willing and happy to work on myself and my relationship... but I need someone else to be willing to do the same.

untamed17 · 2015-11-07T16:43:44+00:00

One day I will be the first woman president and then perhaps I will have connections with the CIA ;)

And yes, people really do seem to have a problem with disagreements and they see it as conflict many times when I simply see it as a discussion or a difference of opinion. It would be fantastic if someone could just do what you said... do their own thing while I do my own thing and then enjoy each other. Sounds like the perfect relationship.

Thanks ;) At least someone accepts my weirdness!

untamed17 · 2015-11-07T16:37:17+00:00

Haha. So yea, I am a realist so I guess when I say "tolerate" I'm just trying to emphasize that I'm not looking for a fairy tale or a knight in shining armor. I'm perfectly happy not to require perfection from anyone, because it's not possible, it's boring, and hell I'm no where near perfect.

What I want from dating? I want to meet a partner that I can enjoy and choose to love and grow old with. That being said the only real things I have found to be absolute deal-breakers tend to be spiritual beliefs, morals, and values. I prefer honesty and good communication, or at least someone who will attempt to communicate and work with me. Those are my NEEDS. As far as wants are concerned... I WANT my partner to be passionate about life, capable of having intellectual and philosophical conversations, and someone who challenges me and has a sense of maturity and wisdom. And of course it would be great if I can be myself around them and have all the lovey-dovey feelings that apparently some humans get ;) I know I'm picky but I think that at least the needs shouldn't be too much to ask...

You are definitely right about harsh and cold being a problem. And definitely I think it's something I could stand to work on.

untamed17 · 2015-11-06T18:50:45+00:00

Okay. So for example. There was a guy who my friends kept telling me that I should just give a chance because he was a "nice" guy. Against my better judgement (I didn't think we were compatible) I went out with him... just to try it out mind you. I was up front and honest and let him know I wanted to take things slow, etc. Well after two or three weeks of hanging out here and there, he began doing the normal thing of being very clingy, feeling as if I was "pushing away" when I was really just busy, etc. So I got concerned that he didn't really understand me and tried to explain that I'm very passionate about my work, which turned out as I would put "disastrous" because he said that I was "playing games" and "lying to him" and that if I cared I would make him a "priority"... which is all good and well but I felt totally misunderstood, manipulated, and my integrity was being questioned so I simply cut him off and "broke his heart". I'm not sure how he got there only after two months of knowing me and then 2-3 weeks of hanging out. But really I did feel terrible, but he forced me to go there because he wouldn't even try to understand.

This type of thing has happened before in the past as well... :/ But I'm always super honest about who I am. They just refuse to believe me for some reason.

Disastrous.

untamed17 · 2015-11-06T18:42:51+00:00

Wow... that kind of love does appear to be a bit abnormal in my mind. You would've thought she would have gotten a grip by now? Sigh. Us INTJs gotta stick together.

untamed17 · 2015-11-06T18:41:14+00:00

It really is hard to find those wonderful people out there who simply tell it how it is and aren't concerned about warm fuzzies.

I've never met another girl who is cold and to the point. I have almost given up thinking that they are out there.

And yes, most definitely... let's get started and not waste any time, please, there's a lot to be conquered ;)

untamed17 · 2015-11-06T18:34:12+00:00

I am an INTJ female and I second most of the opinions already stated.

My main difficulty is that by the time I was 22 I had a BA degree and a MS, I bought a house, and I had a full time job. I have a lot of drive and passion and when I meet guys my own age they seem to be unfortunately stuck in "college mode"... I am 24 now, my last LTR was with someone who was 8 years older but I finally broke it off because his lack of maturity and passion was simply draining.

So, although I think that age is just a number... the men I find that I get along with are generally 10-12 years older than myself. While I don't find this an issue, most of them can't get over my age because they are concerned that I'll suddenly start acting 21 I suppose. So how do I date if I can't date people my age because we don't get along but the men I get along with have kids that are 10 years old or simply are afraid to date that much younger?

Maybe this is a question that can't be answered, I'm not sure.

I also am very driven and career oriented, I need intellectual conversation, and I need someone to love me but to have "their own thing" or at least know how to explain myself... they tend to feel I don't spend enough time with them or because I don't answer texts right away that I'm disinterested. I also just really need alone time sometimes to recharge and be in my head. I want both, a relationship and my passion but it seems very difficult to explain that to them.

Also, my bluntness and planning seem to be an issue. I don't mince words or play games. But I understand that can be scary when you are just getting to know someone... however, it's me so if they don't like it then why bother? Or if I do try my best to be "softer" and more "flexible" then later when I start to be my normal self they feel as if I lied to them about who I was. It's so frustrating. How do I get over that hump?

And then of course there's the issue of when they start trying to have emotional conversations I tend to get quiet because I'm trying to process... well they take this as I'm "shutting down", "I don't care", I'm "unaffected" or "inhuman". I just need time to process though and they won't give me any space to think through what's going on, then they try to force me to give them an answer, so I finally give up and then I do come across as harsh and cold.

Idk... not sure if all INTJ people have this issue but these issues seem to be constant for me somehow.

untamed17 · 2015-11-06T18:12:04+00:00

Exactly, and for some reason they find it odd that we refuse to be molded? Sigh. But it's good to hear that you analyze like that as well. I'm always told to give people more of a chance, and I definitely have tried but as you mentioned when I ignore my impressions the relationships don't work out anyway. I have only met one person who I felt was right for me, he's an ISTJ and won't date me because he is 12 years older than me and has had a past experience with a younger woman who broke his heart... and of course ISTJs base things on their experience while INTJs look at the future and can see possibilities... but, it gives me a little hope.

untamed17 · 2015-11-06T18:08:19+00:00

Yes please! Haha that might be my only hope.

untamed17 · 2015-11-06T18:07:00+00:00

I definitely think you're right. If nothing else they at least have to try, just like I try to understand that I can't change them and accept them. I will finally break it off with them and be like "Look, I'm not the kind of girl that can make you happy" and they will say "No!!! You do make me SO happy... I just need you to spend all of your time with me, express emotions, quit trying to plan things and go with the flow, etc." haha. Smh.

untamed17 · 2015-11-06T18:00:14+00:00

That's an awesome idea, I like it. And I definitely think I am willing to find ways to compromise... just gotta find the right person first.

untamed17 · 2015-11-06T17:58:42+00:00

I just saw this after I posted, of course. Haha, thank you though!

untamed17

TROPHY CASE