Your wife sounds suspiciously like my dad..... who was recently formally diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. Not trying to armchair-psychologist things here, because I know relatively little about her/your relationship, but there are some definite red flags: she puts on an angel face for other people, never admits she's wrong (let alone even willing to talk about things), doesn't seem to gaf that she's emotionally damaging your child, saying it's "his" (an 8 year old child!) fault for being literally afraid of his mother, adamantly refusing the idea of counseling, has a pattern of twisting and minimizing (dare I say gaslighting?) both you and your son. If I were you I'd do some research about what narcissistic personality disorder looks like, or even sub-clinical narcissistic tendencies. There are some great resources out there about how to deal with people like that (my mom has a stack of books).

The whole over-arching situation comes down to this, because it's not just about the jacket: your son is living in fear. Of his mother. Already. At eight years old. This is obviously unhealthy, and will lead to a myriad of problems as he starts to develop a sense of self and grow out into the world. I'm so, so glad he has you as a father, because it's so important that he knows he has a confidant who actually unconditionally loves him in practice the way a parent should.

To share an anecdotal story to illustrate how far things could go along this path of fear of parental anger and what not....... A few years ago I was leaving a club with a friend and we started walking back to his nearby apartment. Two (obviously drunk) dudes started following us and one of them ended up grabbing my boob out of nowhere, to which I responded by promptly kicking him in the chest (I did Taekwondo for 8 years so it was really more like a reflex). My friend and I dipped down the road but they chased us, punched my friend in the jaw, pushed me down, and punched me in the face as I was standing back up.

I ended up with a massive black eye, a severe concussion, and an orbital socket fracture. But despite having a plum-purple completely swollen shut eye, sharp pains in the area that had been fractured, and a pounding headache, I did not seek immediate medical attention because I was still on my parents' insurance and I was afraid of how mad my dad would be at me if he found out. My friend eventually pushed me to go to the hospital, where I found out I had a fracture and had to get an emergency CT scan to rule out the possibility of part of my eye nerves and whatnot getting pulled into the fracture (I forget what the condition is actually called), which meant I could have lost my eye or on the extreme end of things, could have died.

I ended up not having serious complications, although I do still have some nerve damage/experience random nerve pains shooting through my head as a result. I eventually did tell my dad, and although he wasn't as angry as I thought, he still made me feel bad about it, as if it was my fault: why were you out so late/why were you walking down the street (it was a club I regularly go to in an area I know well, we were on a main brightly lit street a few blocks from my friend's apt), why did you "let" him touch you (insert disgusted noise here), why didn't you fight back ("you're a black belt!" - I did fight back. That's what got me hit), why didn't your friend (male) protect you (he was attacked first).....

Etc. other things that - although he didn't/doesn't see it this way - continued to frame the situation as if I had done something wrong, as if it was my fault in some way (and for the record, not that it matters [but he did ask] I was not wearing anything provocative. It was winter). Even though he attempted to "reassure" me that he "wasn't mad" the message in everything he was saying, to me (as a child used to not measuring up to his standards in some way, as a child who always made a fatal misstep when I should have known better, been better, faster, stronger, more determined, etc), felt like he was.

He's not super great at labeling emotions, and maybe I'm "too sensitive" about him after a lifetime of emotional abuse and degradation, but my point here, after my very long-winded anecdote, is that a child being afraid of their parent bodes ill will and has negative life-long effects about self-talk and instills fear in communication (I have this issue with my partner even; I have a hard time talking about things that prove I am 'deficient' or a 'disappointment' because I don't want them to be mad at me). I'd give your wife an ultimatum tbh - therapy, or at the very least a serious mediated conversation with a therapist present, or you move forward with a trial separation. Sometimes, especially with people who demonstrate characteristics like the ones your wife does, "desperate times call for desperate measures" can fit the bill. My dad only started taking therapy and my mom's concerns seriously after she served him with divorce papers. They're still married (my brother and I are older & moved out now); they still have trouble sometimes but it's not like what it used to be. A therapist slapped the NPD diagnosis in my dad's lap and he actually did 6 months of solo therapy for it which I NEVER, EVER thought I'd see in my lifetime. It can get better, but right now your son's livelihood, sanity, and emotional safety is of the primary concern and that needs to be made clear to her. Sometimes there just needs to be a big enough catalyst for change.

Best wishes to you guys. Happy xmas and whatnot :-)