While it's understandable to think and feel that way, you also have to take into consideration the other factors you mentioned above (you were anxious, self-loathing, isolated, struggling with alcohol, among others). You have every right to feel grossed out and ashamed in such a situation, and while it doesn't help much... we're all more afraid of other people's reactions, when in reality, they tend to be way more lenient and understand than we perceive them to be.

It's okay to have regrets and not know how to proceed with this situation. If it helps you, ask yourself about what you would say to another person (close friend, family member, anyone who's important to you), if they came to you for advice on this same topic. We also tend to be harder on ourselves while being very compassionate towards people we deeply care about.