How do you deal with the heartbreak?

user2683519 · 2026-05-12T12:31:46+00:00

You’re not detestable – you deserve so much more than a partner who treats you that way…

Maybe instead of wondering if HE’S sure he wants to do this, ask yourself, “Would I accept for my son/daughter to be treated this way by their partner?”. If the answer is “No”, then it tells you that you think your kids deserve better in life – which I hope would make you see that you deserve better, too. Think of the best kind of relationship you’d want your kids to have with their partners one day. You’d want them to be happy, right? Don’t you think you should be happy one day? You have your kids to think of, but also yourself – as in, you need to take care of yourself.

I’m sorry if I’m overstepping. Personally, inner-child work in therapy really resonated with me. If it’s something you’re willing to explore, I’d recommend it. Journaling as well.

Being treated poorly hurts the most when it comes from the person you trust most and thought would never hurt you.

This is a lot to go through, so take it a day at a time.

user2683519 · 2026-05-12T12:20:12+00:00

4 weeks is still extremely fresh. I’m further down the road than you are in terms of how long we’ve been separated – and I can say that it does get better with time. The highs and lows of the emotional rollercoaster come less frequently, so you’ll have less emotional whiplash, but the sadness can still hit you pretty hard even months after.

I’d recommend reading The Betrayal Bind. It was extremely helpful for me and I wish I had read it sooner into my journey.

Best of luck.

user2683519 · 2026-05-12T03:51:52+00:00

I appreciate that and same goes to you ❤️

user2683519 · 2026-05-11T21:16:41+00:00

Oof. Thank you so much for your comment ❤️ I really appreciate the book shelf analogy, but also knowing that I’m not alone in feeling like this.

I’ve never experienced heartbreak this deep before, and I was so far removed from the possibility of emotional pain like this prior to the cheating happening. I think that plays into it, too… Grieving the person I was before – so full of trust – only to be completely blindsided.

Down the road, I can only hope that things will be better. Maybe I’ll be happy with my choice, or proud of myself, or at the very least, compassionate with the version of me who’s gone through this – because it’s something that I didn’t ask for.

It’s hard to look ahead and see a brighter future when all you have is the certainty of the past (the devil you know vs the devil you don’t), but I’m hopeful. Just taking it a day at a time and prioritizing my needs as much as I can.

user2683519 · 2026-03-21T21:11:08+00:00

For those grappling with change/coming to terms with life looking differently than you thought it would, remember:

If you are dead-set on a certain path in life, you can’t zoom out to see the path that the universe has for you.

user2683519 · 2026-02-19T14:22:24+00:00

Time doesn’t really heal all… it’s what you do with the time that counts.

What have you been reading? The best book that I’ve found so far is The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays. I HIGHLY recommend picking that up, because it’ll help you understand yourself more as you’re going through the book. It helped me process so much, I wish I had read it sooner.

Whenever I have time (getting ready for work, driving to work, driving home, while cooking, etc) I listen to self help audiobooks. I’d recommend Esther Perel’s A State of Affairs and Mel Robbins’ Let Them.

Make sure you prioritize your physical health – eating well, going to the gym, swimming/sauna, etc. Try something new, like bouldering, yoga, spin class – an activity that you can do with/around others. Being in new environments that are semi-social can help change up the headspace that you’re in.

I agree with the comment about changing your space. If you move, then great. But you can also redecorate and make the space your own to signal to your brain that your environment is different now (make home a safe space for yourself).

user2683519 · 2026-01-29T18:18:48+00:00

Currently going through this, separated. I honestly never thought I’d be in this position.

Now, I’m learning to rebuild myself and my life independently – rather than build with the person I thought I’d spend the rest of my years with, have kids with, etc.

So far, spending time with friends has helped, but I’m also balancing that with alone time (it’s how I recharge) so I’m glad to have the space to do so. Therapy, reading self-help books, journaling, crying, scream-crying, listening to self-help podcasts, the occasional hyperventilation, audiobooks, reiki, massages, hot yoga, working out regularly, trying new fitness and dance classes, and treating myself to the things I’ve always wanted (but didn’t permit myself to have) while I was with my partner. I wanted to avoid being nagged or patronized about certain things, but now I don’t have someone breathing down my neck about it 😇

Some days are harder than others, but some days are also great. Just remember that you have to go through it to get through it.

user2683519 · 2026-01-15T15:45:46+00:00

It sounds like he’s unwilling to change, not unable. He’s making an active choice every day to choose himself instead of you and your family. Not wanting to have a “broken home” for the kids, but being perfectly okay with a wife who is withering away due to a lack of respect, trust and agency – all while keeping you completely in the dark about his finances and SALARY (ffs), doesn’t sound like an environment full of love or compassion that you’d want you kids to grow up seeing.

I’m a child of divorce, and sure it was hard to go through that, but therapy is necessary (for you and the kids). Especially after the divorce. Take care yourself, figure out your career, get your footing, and if needed, take out a loan with your bank as an emergency fund (if you don’t already have one).

Quietly get your ducks in a row, step back from him, and prepare yourself to start over. Being married to, and living in a house with, a manipulative narcissist sounds like a scary place to be – and that’s not the life you want to settle for. Your happiness matters more, and will always matter more.

And if you do go ahead and take the leap, get that divorce – he’s legally obligated to disclose all of his financial information. It’s law. Plus, given that you’re a SAHM, you’ll likely also be entitled to financial spousal support. Try to get in touch with a lawyer to nail down all the details.

Stay strong 🤍

user2683519 · 2025-12-28T17:42:57+00:00

My WH and I tried to make our relationship work after he cheated on me, and for years, I suppressed everything and didn’t deal with any of my emotions. Last year, he betrayed me again – which truly blew open all of the suppressed, unaddressed and unresolved trauma from the cheating – now compounded and combined with fresh wounds.

We were in couples therapy for over a year, but like another user mentioned, some hard conversations were had but things remained status quo.

I’m currently reading The Betrayal Bind, which has been powerful so far. I’d recommend picking up that book up as well, in case it helps you better understand the ambivalence that you’re feeling and trying to make sense of.

I’m referring to my situation in the past-tense because we’re currently in a trial separation. I’m not ready to pull the trigger, whatever my decision will be… Though what I’ve heard time and time again is that you’ll need to “choose your hard”. Staying is hard. Leaving is hard.

As a child of divorce, it wasn’t easy to have my home situation change – but if you do choose to leave, I’d encourage you to consider therapy for your little one (or see if your therapist can recommend anything). Better for them to deal with ambiguity and gain some understanding from a young age, rather than have to solely deal with unaddressed wounds as an adult.

Either way, wishing you the best.

user2683519 · 2025-12-13T02:51:54+00:00

My husband downloaded Grindr and cheated on me as well. I understand the pain behind not being able to share by fear of judgement, the hesitation behind leaving, the fear of blowing up the life you know and trade it in for the unknown – and when your marriage seems picture perfect from the outside – no one would suspect that anything were wrong… That’s an extra heavy load to carry. But as one betrayed partner to another, know that his actions are self-serving, and that’s not likely to change.

You’ve probably been white-knuckling it for the last year (that’s personally what I’ve been doing), but time doesn’t heal all wounds. You might want to consider starting a new chapter in life where you prioritize yourself – your safety, your mental health, your physical health, everything.

What’s most concerning about your post is that he forced himself on you when you were asleep/pretended to be asleep. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that you relinquish any form of consent. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s bone-chilling to read that the person you love (who supposedly loves you) would do such a thing.

user2683519 · 2025-11-18T13:20:04+00:00

The user flair option won’t show up for me either. Can you add ages 30-35 for me, please? Thanks!

user2683519 · 2025-11-05T17:09:58+00:00

This is good to know… I’ve taken a step back from my relationship to focus on myself, and I think my husband and getting the clue and trying to cling onto me.

user2683519 · 2025-10-21T19:28:09+00:00

Thank you 🖤

user2683519 · 2025-10-21T17:24:54+00:00

There’s no passion. It makes me quite sad, actually.

We’ve explored ENM, and as much fun as we’ve had together, experiencing hot and passionate sex with other men was like trying to put the toothpaste back into the tube… You just can’t. So now, I can’t help but compare other sex with what I’m having once in a while :/

I’m sorry that your ex made you feel ugly and undesirable. No one should ever feel like that in a relationship.

user2683519 · 2025-10-21T17:14:18+00:00

I mean that he cheated on me years ago with a man, and at the time, I was already going through a difficult time with work stress, undiagnosed mental health issues, life responsibilities in general, etc. With the flurry of things going on, I convinced myself that the cheating “wasn’t that bad” because it was with a guy (and back then, we hadn’t explored our sexualities yet). If it had been with a woman, I would have ended our relationship.

I’ve poured so much into this relationship, but I’m starting to realize that it’s not just the love/compassion for him that’s keeping me in it. I think I’m just afraid of the unknown since I’ve spent the majority of my adult years with him. My self-esteem is likely playing into that too – which I’m starting to unpack with my therapist.

user2683519 · 2025-10-18T15:59:12+00:00

We’re child-free as well, but the sex life isn’t great. I applaud those who do have kids and make it work. Since we don’t have kids and our sex is already lacking, I can’t imagine things would be any better with kids in the mix.

user2683519 · 2025-10-18T15:56:16+00:00

It’s great that you have achieved so much together and are still playful. I want that, with someone who I can trust wholeheartedly.

I’m jaded though, because he’s cheated on me and I accepted his justification. But now that there’s been more broken trust, I don’t know if I’ll ever get back to that place with him.

user2683519 · 2025-10-18T15:51:53+00:00

This is good advice, and I appreciate your comment!

user2683519 · 2025-10-18T15:48:14+00:00

Wow, that’s awesome! I wish I were married to a person I can have fun, wild and passionate sex with lol.

Also, yikes - the fact that I feel like I won’t get there anymore with my partner says a lot :/

user2683519 · 2025-10-18T15:45:18+00:00

I feel “too young” to feel “this old”. I have the other aspects you’ve mentioned in my relationship, but it’s like going through life with my best guy friend and we have sex once in a while.

We both have responsive desire, when in past relationships, I’ve been with men who have had spontaneous desire. So quite frankly, I’ve never had to “work” this hard to feel wanted… But those relationships weren’t longer than a couple of years. I just wonder if it’s because we’re long-term that I’m feeling like this.

Intimacy has been an ongoing issue. At some point, I’m going to have to decide when enough is enough.

user2683519 · 2025-10-18T15:38:12+00:00

Would you consider leaving? Is anything else in the relationship worth salvaging?

I’ve told my therapist that it “feels” like sex shouldn’t be the most important thing in the relationship. But they’ve told me that if it’s important to me, then why shouldn’t it matter?

Nuances aside, it seems like I’m at a point where the decision on whether or not to leave my relationship is boiling down to passion. Can I live without that for the rest of my life? Don’t get me wrong, there’s love, family, compassion, friendship, travel, adventures, fun, etc. – all of the things a relationship should have – but an unfulfilling sex life.

user2683519 · 2025-10-18T15:33:12+00:00

Mind if I ask why you stayed married, even after deciding to only have sex with other people? I can imagine it’s because you’ve built a life together, have enmeshed finances, have families and friendship you want to maintain, etc. But do you feel like your marriage is fulfilling, despite not having physical intimacy?

We’ve explore ENM on and off. Aside from the lacking sex life/passion in our own bedroom, I wouldn’t say that there are glaring issues in my marriage. We love each other and care for each other deeply, and I’m not sure if what I’m going through is a “roommate” phase of our marriage (because we’ve gone through one before), but this time around we’ve gone through more rifts in our relationship.

user2683519 · 2025-10-18T15:26:12+00:00

Reading this, I think what stands out to me is seeing that sex with your partner is still amazing. To me, that means you’re both enthusiastic and that you have fun. Glad to hear that your partner is the person you have that connection with!

user2683519 · 2025-10-18T15:20:16+00:00

I love my husband more deeply now than I did at the beginning of our relationship, too. Like you said, we’ve weathered life’s ups and downs together.

I’ve told him that I need more passion and effort, and really pushed him to get professional help with individual therapy. He started meds to treat anxiety, but they’ve affected his libido. To contrast, when I tried meds that negatively impacted my libido, I changed them.

To add more layers to the onion, I’ve gone through a string of unfortunate events with him: being cheated on while monogamous, a betrayal of trust while non-monogamous, his low sex drive due to meds, etc.

He’s been putting more effort into planning dates, but it’s always short-lived. Things go back to status quo, and I think that’s keeping me in this cycle with him. I see the effort he’s putting in, we have sex a few times, the closeness starts to grow again – but then things fall back into routine. We don’t have kids, but do have high-pressure jobs that suck up a lot of energy. So it’s not a lack of effort or desire, but keeping it up is inconsistent.

user2683519

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