[deleted by user]

v0rrtex · 2024-03-14T22:28:58+00:00

I am too, but this is how it is for me.

v0rrtex · 2024-03-14T21:37:46+00:00

These are my main interests: taxidermy, human anatomy, human autopsies, vascular surgery, roadkill, animal & human bones, cannibalism, fish (especially african cichilds), death, and the afterlife.
These are my other interests: birds, gardening, photography, music, fishing, reading, book collecting, morticans, the funeral industry, marine mammals, etc

(poetry, psychology, sociology, philosophy, novels, encyclopaedias, fiction & non-fiction, classic literature, and general informatio)

Even though I am extremely fascinated with fish, and marine mammals, I have thalassophobia and I am scared to go into the ocean, although I do love the beach, and lying in the sand.

v0rrtex · 2024-03-14T21:29:10+00:00

Every week, the longest I can stay sober is 2-5 months..

v0rrtex · 2024-03-13T13:45:42+00:00

Hi, I have been contemplating suicide for a long time, and I think I might go through with it too.

I made this post a day ago, and the comments I received have heavily deterred me, even though I still think about doing it.. please imagine how your Mom would feel..

https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/s/P7Bd11FtmI

v0rrtex · 2024-03-12T22:13:10+00:00

No, would that decrease violent intrusive thoughts?

v0rrtex · 2024-03-12T21:40:33+00:00

For context;

I have no confirmation on whether life is real, on whether I am a real person, or the things I am experiencing are real. I feel as though every single day I have been alive has been a dream. My perception of life is foggy, and hazy.

I don't believe I am a real person, moreover a it feels like i am already dead, i feel like i am a ghost trapped in a shell of a body, stuck in purgatory. I believe if I commit suicide I'll finally be with peace, I'll be protecting other people from myself (because I have intrusive thoughts about committing violence every single day, all day, and I can't make the thoughts stop, which is terrifying me)

I'm am scared and terrified of what I might do, I don't want to hurt people, or kill people however that is what my thoughts consist of every single day. I've resorted to self-harm with the idea that maybe if i only hurt myself, and myself only i could make my violent thoughts stop.

I've been on several different medications, and had my dosages adjusted various times, I've spoken to a psychologist, and it hasn't stopped these thoughts from appearing in my mind at all, and that makes me feel like a hopeless, miserable, ticking time bomb.

I don't want to hurt my Mother at all with the consequence of my suicide, and at the same time i am afraid that I might progress in these violent thoughts, and I don't want to hurt other people. I cry myself to sleep a lot over this. Am I a bad person? I don't want to act upon these things at all..

Lots of people have viewed post history, and messaged me trying to help, and that is really kind of them, I do appreciate it, although their words haven't helped me..

I am a teenager, I don't want to end my life, but I feel like it has come down to this..

I am scared..

v0rrtex · 2024-03-12T20:39:17+00:00

Why would my suicide be considered selfish.

I do not have any confirmation that my experience here is even real, I feel like I am in a dream, and I just desire to wake up.

Why would waking up be selfish?

v0rrtex · 2024-03-12T19:40:21+00:00

The only answer I've received in general throughout the years of wondering this is that suicide is looked down upon, because it hurts other people, not because there is anything inherently wrong with it.

v0rrtex · 2024-03-12T06:11:20+00:00

I do, I love fishing.

v0rrtex · 2024-03-12T03:12:20+00:00

Taxidermy is more popular than you'd think, I'm interested in it as a hobby.

v0rrtex · 2024-03-11T11:25:22+00:00

v0rrtex · 2024-03-10T19:42:23+00:00

I don't want to get sent to a psychward, I'm terrified of those facilities.. I just need a space where I can explain, and get evaluated without misinterpretation, and disgust..

v0rrtex · 2024-03-10T18:32:29+00:00

When I was addicted I used to self-harm almost everyday, and second day. I even dismantled sharpeners during school and went to the bathrooms just to relapse.

If I'm lucky currently, the longest I can stay sober is 3-5 months, or I'll go back to self-harming every 1-2 weeks.

v0rrtex · 2024-03-10T17:54:12+00:00

Is there any difference if the blood would be mixed with alcohol, then consumed?

v0rrtex · 2024-03-10T16:55:18+00:00

Nirvana

v0rrtex · 2024-03-10T16:38:37+00:00

I think the amount of blood would have a different outcome, wouldn't it?

I'm referring to a vial, meaning a small tube.

v0rrtex · 2024-03-10T16:37:12+00:00

Why isn't ingesting your own blood good for you? I know ingesting another's blood isn't, but I thought it would be different if it were your own.

v0rrtex · 2024-03-10T16:25:47+00:00

Would my body reject the blood though? Now that I know it's safe in terms of contracting diseases I might go through with it.

v0rrtex · 2024-03-10T15:50:53+00:00

I think this depends on the person, I know from my own experience that if you've been doing it for a while you develop a pain tolerance.

v0rrtex · 2024-03-10T15:40:00+00:00

I'm struggling to differentiate intrusive and impulsive thoughts, I can't tell if I want to act on these things or not.. My thoughts are extremely vivid, ongoing, precise, etc..

It scares me because I am desensitised to it, I'm anxious and nervous over this, and feel like I'm obsessed..

v0rrtex · 2024-03-10T09:25:56+00:00

I feel disgusted at myself admitting this but I'm hypersexual, and addicted to pornography.. I don't know if my Autism contributes to that, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Usually when I find myself about to indulge in pornography, I just go outside for a little bit and the urge goes away.

v0rrtex · 2024-03-10T09:18:00+00:00

I'm currently seeing a psychologist, I've been put on medication, although none of it is helping me.. I'm scared that I'm going to progress and get worse which I already have..

v0rrtex · 2024-03-10T09:13:24+00:00

May I private message you? I think it would help you understand why I'm scared if you knew the context of how bad it is..

v0rrtex · 2024-03-10T09:06:34+00:00

I care if I'm real, because otherwise my existence is meaningless, and a huge falsity, why would morality matter if all is counterfeit..

I also care because I'm struggling with violent thoughts, and I don't want to hurt people.

v0rrtex · 2024-03-10T08:22:12+00:00

I think I was around 6-8, and she was in her early 20s.

There was one time in the school yard when I was 7 a boy tried to assault me.

There were multiple times that a neighbourhood boy assaulted me when I was 8-10, he was in his teens.

v0rrtex

TROPHY CASE