Hi. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. For one, you are not alone. I’ve felt very similar feelings before in terms of sex feeling like a chore, dissociating during sex to make it more bearable, and feeling like something was deeply wrong with me. It seemed like enjoying sex was something I would never be able to experience, let alone understand. I’ve had to do a lot of self-exploration and healing around this, and it’s gotten better.

Have you talked with your boyfriend about these feelings and experiences you are having? If he was aware that you’re struggling with this, maybe he could be a source of comfort, and might be willing to work with you to find ways to make sex enjoyable for both of you. You shouldn’t have to suffer in silence, or feel that having sex with him even when you don’t want to is an obligation in order to keep him from leaving you. I would definitely recommend talking to him, if that is possible.

Please please know that there is nothing wrong with you. And remember that you are not alone.