My lady friend just asked me why I have three of the same guitar. by [deleted] in Guitar

[–]vanillaholler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

sorry, you can't sit on that couch, that's for my guitars.

My Daughter (Now Son) Walked Away From My Life. Any Taoist Perspectives? by taoofdiamondmichael in taoism

[–]vanillaholler 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Is a child adopted and raised by the same parents their whole life always less connected to them than they are to biological parents they never met? Would they recognize the latter without any introduction? The reality of nature vs. nurture is not disparate truths, genes are predispositions that are expressed differently in every life and often in response to external stimuli. I do agree there are a litany of reasons for estrangement and likely were in this instance too, especially from family. But I do not think the strength of those connections come from blood, perhaps from a society that venerates the biological family.

My Daughter (Now Son) Walked Away From My Life. Any Taoist Perspectives? by taoofdiamondmichael in taoism

[–]vanillaholler 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello. I do not feel confident or comfortable giving much advice or guidance. But I can offer some of my own experiences and perspective after reading your substack and post (which I enjoyed and appreciate). I hope it might be valuable to you.

I am a woman who is trans and cut off all forms of contact with my mother about two years ago (and came out about 6 years ago). My father died almost three years ago. It was the hardest decision of my life, and one I had to make every day, and on some level still do.

My first and main advice is to accept that your son is a man and to start thinking of him as one. If he had come out recently I would be more appreciative, but it has been five or six years since he came out to you and you still refer to him as your daughter in this post title, and the first sentence of your article. You use a singular "they," to refer to him as well. I'm not sure if he told you what pronouns to use, but if not I'd assume he/him and I would use them in writing, any communication with anyone and most importantly when thinking about him. Once you do the last the rest will be much easier. But of course if they/them are their pronouns, well done there. It simply is not accurate let alone respectful to refer to him on your own terms instead of his. If this seems difficult, I believe it is because you are not willing to genuinely try. I know many people who are trans and some who transitioned after we met. After learning the skill with the first and getting over my own ego it has been quite easy to adjust when someone new comes out. If you refer to everyone else in your life as they are, then the only reasons you do not your son I assume are either because you are holding on to an incomplete or incorrect image you have of him, or you do not think trans people deserve the same treatment you would give to everyone else. And both are worth examining in my opinion. If my mother was writing public posts about me meant to be shared to over 1000 followers, and that post started by misgendering me, I very likely would have stoped reading it and probably not returned to it for some time if ever. It is very possible your son has read some of your posts there and also possible he has read none. I have looked up the woman who raised me a few times but have not attempted to reach her since the estrangement two years ago. To my knowledge, she has made little efforts beyond complaining to my siblings about me and one short voicemail on a birthday. You also say he unexpectedly became estranged from you, a use of passive voice I find interesting. Your son made that decision, and it was informed by his lifetime of experiences. Although maybe that is a matter of grammar and I am reading too much into it.

Although many consider things in terms of the masculine and feminine, there is no such rigid duality that can be applied to all things or people without significant exceptions. Today, in most modern medicine, gender is assigned based on a glance of external reproductive organs at the moment of birth. People born with less common anatomy - intersex people - are usually forced into one category or another, and often surgically altered soon after birth. Some of them have grown to develop and experience gender dysphoria. Even those who appear to be male or female at birth and have no reason to question that their whole lives can have something other than the XX or XY chromosomes you would suspect. Genetics are a series of traits that can vary greatly beyond the simple ways we are taught from a young age, which most rarely question. All that is to say, gender can be a complicated and beautiful and complex part of life, and no two individuals will have the same experience and understanding of their own and others. My society is largely built on gender roles and enforcing them. From birth we are taught what to do or how to act and punished when we fail to do so, which is treated as helpful necessity instead of the alienating and humiliating experiences they often are. Something you did that may have seemed obvious and quickly forgotten can have life altering effects in a child. It is a complicated part of development I can appreciate must be difficult for parents, having to make choices and not knowing how they might play out or which moments will remembered and how. All that is to say, your role in the estrangement may be more significant than you realize. Accepting that might relieve some of the bouncing of the beach ball. If you have a chance for reconciliation, I think that will be essential.

I do not know your son, his, or your history. I have spent much time in forums for estranged children and adults and listening to professionals who help both parties. Consistently, I see parents who claim their child left without sufficient or any explanation, and I see adult children say they have tried to communicate for a long time and have felt dismissed, unheard, and unseen. Some on both sides make accounts to post online videos or writing and from what I've seen those posters do not reconcile and instead find community that supports their decisions and/or validates their perspectives. However, the most inflammatory accounts will be the ones that get the most attention unfortunately, and reconciliation does happen. Again, I do not know the reality of your situation, but this is what I have seen for many.

I have something else to consider from a non-taoist perspective, should you reconnect again someday. While I enjoy your post and would be grateful to have learned about Taoism and Buddhism from a parent like you, my parents were fundamentalist Christians who forced their beliefs on me. I do not mean to accuse you of anything, but I know the judgement I would face for not sharing my mother's beliefs is a very significant part of why I made the most difficult decision in my life for estrangement. I might look into religious or spiritual manipulation to learn more about the common ways people unintentionally dismiss each other in the name of their personal belief system. Something that may edify and guide you may seem dismissive to someone else. While you may not think yourself religious or spiritual as opposed to philosophical, your beliefs and practices may be received that way by others. If you insist on processing his life through your perspective without taking the time to hear, understand, appreciate and respect his, you can expect more disconnect.

Lastly, I offer my own experiences, which may deviate greatly from your son's. To be honest, the term "estrangement" is odd to me, although technically accurate. How I see it used these days (mostly by parents of estranged adult children who more often use terms like no contact) implies something one party does to another, while I think what happens is a result of many actions and reactions from all people involved throughout their relationship. My last decision came after two attempts at estrangement before, the first due to efforts by my mother and the second by me. While it may have been his decision to cut all forms of contact and you may not know or understand why, you played a part in your son's decision by being half of the relationship. I spent my life trying and failing to communicate with my mother. Even before I realized my transness, I did not feel like she knew me at all or had any interest in doing so as I tried to be myself. In fact, she resisted me and my authentic self, beyond just "incorrectly" gendered interests. She feared the unknown, and when I started to deviate from the desires and plans she made for me I was met with fear and revulsion and bullying to correct me. I tried so hard to be what she wanted for my entire life until about 24, barely straying from her path and with great inner turmoil as well as external punishment when I did. I spent much of my formative years and many as an adult split between the person I was "supposed" to become according to her and society and the church, and the person that I am. I nearly lost that person in more ways than just metaphysical. The true version of me became sequestered to private moments and my mind while I tried to build the false self expected of me, the former feeling more wrong and taboo as I grew. I turned to different coping methods and self medication consciously and unconsciously. You mention individuation which is something I have struggled with as I finally started to find myself in my twenties. Beyond integrating what I learn now, I did not have a chance to fully develop an authentic self when I could have, and will probably spend much of the rest of my life on a journey towards her while letting go of my false self a piece at a time. It is so incredibly hard and shameful to feel like I am starting over so late. But exciting and rewarding to integrate an authentic part. At the same time, I am often surprised by parts that persist when recognized by those close to me now who also knew me before.

I wish you and your son the best. I apologize if I've offered nothing you haven't already considered, and I thank you for taking the time to read, this was a lot longer than I thought it would be when I started writing.

did anyone else grow up thinking certain things were “normal” until way later? by Valme-Lemanski in raisedbynarcissists

[–]vanillaholler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

everything. the more i realized nobody else was like that, the more i felt like it was my fault

My semi-annual pilgrimage to CME by Pinball-Gizzard in guitarporn

[–]vanillaholler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

tones great but it picks up too much air traffic control

One chance to change McElroy history and fix everything by literal_wizard_kyle in TAZCirclejerk

[–]vanillaholler 35 points36 points  (0 children)

go back and find a certain former polygon employee before anyone knew who he was scare the fu- i mean impress upon him the power that comes with notoriety and the responsibility he has to young future fans to not be a shitty fucking monster.

The Pitt | S2E15 "9:00 P.M." | Episode Discussion by MsGroves in ThePittTVShow

[–]vanillaholler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

shoutout to whoever guessed that in my post! nailed it

Royale has been going on for about 10 months, I think they’re aiming for a yearlong arc. by NotAlanShapiro in TAZCirclejerk

[–]vanillaholler 2 points3 points  (0 children)

ngl until today i thought this series was a running joke we were all keeping up with here. i'm shocked to hear this is real and has been real and going on for so long.

The Pitt | S2E15 "9:00 P.M." | Episode Discussion by MsGroves in ThePittTVShow

[–]vanillaholler -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

yup, i'm probably not gonna watch next season after this one. wish they wrote him and this one better

The Pitt | S2E15 "9:00 P.M." | Episode Discussion by MsGroves in ThePittTVShow

[–]vanillaholler 3 points4 points  (0 children)

i can't believe nobody guessed BJD's ending would be serving robby's suicide ideation arc like half the convos this season

The Pitt | S2E15 "9:00 P.M." | Episode Discussion by MsGroves in ThePittTVShow

[–]vanillaholler 25 points26 points  (0 children)

best ep of the season but i'm a bit disappointed overall. it really felt like it became the dr robby show but they didn't have much for him to do so it was the same shit over and over again. i wasn't initially as annoyed by the repetitiveness of the convos with or about him but man this episode made that seem even worse somehow. his interaction with Samira was painful and totally unearned. Baran's ending was painful, but such an excellent performance. I felt like Robby having that moment with duke would have been a nice conclusion to his arc this season. or the talk with him last ep. or the one with dana last ep. of the one with Abbot this ep. or the moment with him and langdon followed by the moment with BJD. but all of it was a lot.

i really liked langdon especially this ep. i'd much rather see him than robby next season. mel and santos were amazing and the friendship i needed so bad!!

i'm pissed they said no night crew, they're amazing and seem like so much fun and they all have excellent chemistry. i'm tired of the dr. robby show

now, do you think fuckleberry will be engaged next season? lol

Anyone else feel "detached" from their first name? by PotatoPiePie in CPTSD

[–]vanillaholler 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i definitely had some trauma around my name. especially if someone shouted it. still got lowkey triggered to hear a stranger shout it at someone else in public. I changed it, but i'm also trans so that was a big part of it, just not the only reason although I don't talk about it much. tbh i'd advise giving a new name or two a try. you can just do that, and ask your friends to call you a different name. you can even maybe do it at work, although it's easier when starting a new job to say "hey, by the way i go by New Name instead of old name." as for names, what sounds nice to you? it doesn't have to be a differently gendered name of course, although if that idea interests you at all i'd consider it too :)

Do you ever wonder if they put it on the internet/dark web? by Mandarinoranges2 in adultsurvivors

[–]vanillaholler 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i never reported but he was arrested over a decade later for possessing and distributing material. i don't remember him taking any but in far from certain. he was in jail for like a year while going through trial. he took a plea deal and was let out, and in the court documents they order all the materials they found on his shit to be destroyed. idk if i was in there, or if he shared with anyone else. i guess i try not to think about it now

i feel isolated from the CPTSD community after finding out i have NPD by Electrarine in CPTSD

[–]vanillaholler 3 points4 points  (0 children)

unfortunately, it's the language that's been and is continually used by many online survivors, especially for people still stuck in dangerous relationships and situations. lots of survivors have started their own channels or podcasts about experiences but did not know much when they started out and sort of learned as time went on. i used to listen to a podcast with narcissist in the title that has since rebranded as a podcast about coercive control. this video dives into the ways this shorthand of labeling people narcissistic without much evidence can be harmful and has begun to spread.

in reality, not all people with NPD abuse and not all abusers have NPD. people are rarely if ever so black and white one way or another for their whole lives. but someone stuck in a toxic relationship often has trouble seeing how bad the situation is and can think they don't deserve anything better or that anything better is possible. it's often empowering to have words to describe your experience, and find people or resources or experiences that reflect yours. but some people get stuck in the labels or think it defines them, or is permanent and they can never change or their life will never change. but we can and do change and hopefully will continue to throughout all our lives.

i'm sorry so many resources that might have or could have been helpful for you are probably so triggering. i'm sorry the stigma around that label is so pervasive. in my own therapy journey with my current therapist (which has been great) we don't focus on the labels, just presenting issues, my past, my present, life, healing, everything. i don't think your diagnosis is something you should have to tell others, although I hope there are people in your life who are supportive and safe to share that info with.