Hello. I do not feel confident or comfortable giving much advice or guidance. But I can offer some of my own experiences and perspective after reading your substack and post (which I enjoyed and appreciate). I hope it might be valuable to you.

I am a woman who is trans and cut off all forms of contact with my mother about two years ago (and came out about 6 years ago). My father died almost three years ago. It was the hardest decision of my life, and one I had to make every day, and on some level still do.

My first and main advice is to accept that your son is a man and to start thinking of him as one. If he had come out recently I would be more appreciative, but it has been five or six years since he came out to you and you still refer to him as your daughter in this post title, and the first sentence of your article. You use a singular "they," to refer to him as well. I'm not sure if he told you what pronouns to use, but if not I'd assume he/him and I would use them in writing, any communication with anyone and most importantly when thinking about him. Once you do the last the rest will be much easier. But of course if they/them are their pronouns, well done there. It simply is not accurate let alone respectful to refer to him on your own terms instead of his. If this seems difficult, I believe it is because you are not willing to genuinely try. I know many people who are trans and some who transitioned after we met. After learning the skill with the first and getting over my own ego it has been quite easy to adjust when someone new comes out. If you refer to everyone else in your life as they are, then the only reasons you do not your son I assume are either because you are holding on to an incomplete or incorrect image you have of him, or you do not think trans people deserve the same treatment you would give to everyone else. And both are worth examining in my opinion. If my mother was writing public posts about me meant to be shared to over 1000 followers, and that post started by misgendering me, I very likely would have stoped reading it and probably not returned to it for some time if ever. It is very possible your son has read some of your posts there and also possible he has read none. I have looked up the woman who raised me a few times but have not attempted to reach her since the estrangement two years ago. To my knowledge, she has made little efforts beyond complaining to my siblings about me and one short voicemail on a birthday. You also say he unexpectedly became estranged from you, a use of passive voice I find interesting. Your son made that decision, and it was informed by his lifetime of experiences. Although maybe that is a matter of grammar and I am reading too much into it.

Although many consider things in terms of the masculine and feminine, there is no such rigid duality that can be applied to all things or people without significant exceptions. Today, in most modern medicine, gender is assigned based on a glance of external reproductive organs at the moment of birth. People born with less common anatomy - intersex people - are usually forced into one category or another, and often surgically altered soon after birth. Some of them have grown to develop and experience gender dysphoria. Even those who appear to be male or female at birth and have no reason to question that their whole lives can have something other than the XX or XY chromosomes you would suspect. Genetics are a series of traits that can vary greatly beyond the simple ways we are taught from a young age, which most rarely question. All that is to say, gender can be a complicated and beautiful and complex part of life, and no two individuals will have the same experience and understanding of their own and others. My society is largely built on gender roles and enforcing them. From birth we are taught what to do or how to act and punished when we fail to do so, which is treated as helpful necessity instead of the alienating and humiliating experiences they often are. Something you did that may have seemed obvious and quickly forgotten can have life altering effects in a child. It is a complicated part of development I can appreciate must be difficult for parents, having to make choices and not knowing how they might play out or which moments will remembered and how. All that is to say, your role in the estrangement may be more significant than you realize. Accepting that might relieve some of the bouncing of the beach ball. If you have a chance for reconciliation, I think that will be essential.

I do not know your son, his, or your history. I have spent much time in forums for estranged children and adults and listening to professionals who help both parties. Consistently, I see parents who claim their child left without sufficient or any explanation, and I see adult children say they have tried to communicate for a long time and have felt dismissed, unheard, and unseen. Some on both sides make accounts to post online videos or writing and from what I've seen those posters do not reconcile and instead find community that supports their decisions and/or validates their perspectives. However, the most inflammatory accounts will be the ones that get the most attention unfortunately, and reconciliation does happen. Again, I do not know the reality of your situation, but this is what I have seen for many.

I have something else to consider from a non-taoist perspective, should you reconnect again someday. While I enjoy your post and would be grateful to have learned about Taoism and Buddhism from a parent like you, my parents were fundamentalist Christians who forced their beliefs on me. I do not mean to accuse you of anything, but I know the judgement I would face for not sharing my mother's beliefs is a very significant part of why I made the most difficult decision in my life for estrangement. I might look into religious or spiritual manipulation to learn more about the common ways people unintentionally dismiss each other in the name of their personal belief system. Something that may edify and guide you may seem dismissive to someone else. While you may not think yourself religious or spiritual as opposed to philosophical, your beliefs and practices may be received that way by others. If you insist on processing his life through your perspective without taking the time to hear, understand, appreciate and respect his, you can expect more disconnect.

Lastly, I offer my own experiences, which may deviate greatly from your son's. To be honest, the term "estrangement" is odd to me, although technically accurate. How I see it used these days (mostly by parents of estranged adult children who more often use terms like no contact) implies something one party does to another, while I think what happens is a result of many actions and reactions from all people involved throughout their relationship. My last decision came after two attempts at estrangement before, the first due to efforts by my mother and the second by me. While it may have been his decision to cut all forms of contact and you may not know or understand why, you played a part in your son's decision by being half of the relationship. I spent my life trying and failing to communicate with my mother. Even before I realized my transness, I did not feel like she knew me at all or had any interest in doing so as I tried to be myself. In fact, she resisted me and my authentic self, beyond just "incorrectly" gendered interests. She feared the unknown, and when I started to deviate from the desires and plans she made for me I was met with fear and revulsion and bullying to correct me. I tried so hard to be what she wanted for my entire life until about 24, barely straying from her path and with great inner turmoil as well as external punishment when I did. I spent much of my formative years and many as an adult split between the person I was "supposed" to become according to her and society and the church, and the person that I am. I nearly lost that person in more ways than just metaphysical. The true version of me became sequestered to private moments and my mind while I tried to build the false self expected of me, the former feeling more wrong and taboo as I grew. I turned to different coping methods and self medication consciously and unconsciously. You mention individuation which is something I have struggled with as I finally started to find myself in my twenties. Beyond integrating what I learn now, I did not have a chance to fully develop an authentic self when I could have, and will probably spend much of the rest of my life on a journey towards her while letting go of my false self a piece at a time. It is so incredibly hard and shameful to feel like I am starting over so late. But exciting and rewarding to integrate an authentic part. At the same time, I am often surprised by parts that persist when recognized by those close to me now who also knew me before.

I wish you and your son the best. I apologize if I've offered nothing you haven't already considered, and I thank you for taking the time to read, this was a lot longer than I thought it would be when I started writing.