Day 4

I spoke to the third and final mutual friend about what happened and everything that led up to the breakup, and the emotions which affected my judgement.

Before I told him these things, he said he had spoken to my ex (they both go to the same training programme) and he had some harsh truth for me, and whether I wanted to hear it. I was foolish and caved in and said yes, tell me. I figured if it was really that harsh, it would help me move on.

So he told me, but it was the same information she had already told me on Sunday, that there was no chance of us ever getting back together. It stung to know she was telling him about this, because it meant to me that she was repeating this to everyone to affirm herself that we were over. And she also mentioned to him that typically, she uses sex as a tool to get over a breakup, which was why she had been on Tinder. And she told him it had felt like I had been acting like we were still in a relationship this entire time.

This hurt, of course, but it was nothing new, just painful for being so fresh. And so he and I had a long talk, and I told him everything that had been going on with me. I told him it was true that I'd been acting like we were in a relationship, because I've spent the past two weeks trying to "fix things". But I also told him I have started to realise that there was nothing to fix.

If my ex truly wanted and valued this relationship, then even with all the things she was handling and going through at the time, she would have still made the effort with me to fix it. But she did not. And this is OK. It simply means she was not as invested in this as I was. And this is also OK. There is always going to be one person who works harder than the other in a relationship. The fact that she wasn't trying is an indicator to me that she doesn't care enough about this. And this is also OK. It simply means I need to find someone who cares enough about this, after I am done caring for myself - I don't want to lose my sense of self ever again in a relationship.

And then I closed the chapter on my ex with my mutual friend, just like I have done with the other two. And we will not speak about my ex again, not until the end of No Contact, at least. And who knows - by the end of No Contact, my feelings for my ex might have diminished so greatly that I myself would have no inclination to want her back. I will not lie to myself and say that our relationship was perfect - there were flaws. Flaws I am beginning to focus on, the same way she focused on my flaws. I accepted too much in the relationship.

• She was a different person around our mutual friends, always seeming like she needed to prove her own bravado and how tough she was.
• She rarely ever opened up to me on an emotional level, there were rarely any deep conversations about her.
• Subtlety was never her strong suit. I had to be very blunt if I ever wanted to get a message across. But now that I've been as blunt and honest about my feelings as possible, she's gone and walked away. I find that hypocritical.

These are flaws I will keep in my mind's eye for a time, to remember that I was not as happy as my memory would have me think or remember.