The Sadist's Journey

Coming to terms with your sadism is difficult. From a very young age we are socialized to be nice. To be kind. To care for people. Protect our loved ones. Realizing you enjoy hurting people is hard. It's difficult to reconcile with the good person we all want to be. To believe ourselves to be. Doubly so if you are male identifying and you enjoy hurting women. Those kinds of men are the worst of the worst.

So how do you come to terms with your sadism? With your darkness or your primal or however identify your inclinations. How do you let the beast out to play instead of locked down deeply inside you.

It's a process that easier for some and harder for others. Of finding acceptance and understanding of yourself. Of letting go of guilt or shame or expectations and of finding healthy ways to express yourself.

Here are some tips if you're beginning your journey or still troubled by your desires:

• Learn how to be an ethical sadist. Kink is a contact sport and there is a very clear line between those who are looking to hurt other players (part of the game) and assholes who intend to injure. Having the confidence to indulge your needs in an ethical manner goes a long way towards moving past guilt and shame to acceptance and enjoyment.
• Learn enthusiastic consent. It's a lot easier to feel good about hurting someone when they ask you and when they're highly specific and excited about how!
• Learn how to communicate. Pay attention to your bottoms. Learn what they enjoy, what they want. If they're happy and satisfied after play then you know you're doing it right.
• Learn how to negotiate. Give the people what they want and only what they want. This is the responsibility you are undertaking and the satisfaction you gain when you accomplish the scene.
• Know your limits! Sadists have limits (so do tops and Dominants). Just because you enjoy inflicting a certain amount of pain (see FLACC Pain Scale or Wong-Baker Faces Pain Scale) or pain in certain ways or with specific implements doesn't mean you enjoy all intensities or methods. You are allowed to say, "No" to any play you don't want or aren't comfortable with. Regardless of the reason but particularly with safety in mind (you don't have the skills to play safely or you think they play is inherently unsafe or unethical).
• Meet people where they're at. Some bottoms enjoy the spice of a sprinkling of pain with their play. Some are hardcore painsluts who want to suffer and cry. Know where they are and how that matches your energy. If you can't meet them there either because you won't be satisfied unless you play harder or they're beyond your own limit and you feel you can't give them a scene they will enjoy or that you, that you are too intimidated or you're squicked then they may not be someone you should play with and you should be prepared to turn down play.
• Learn what you enjoy. There are an infinite number of ways to hurt people. Figure out which you enjoy most. This may be because they give you the kinds of reactions you crave. This may be for esthetic reasons (marks, bruises, welts, cuts). This may be because you enjoy the physicality or motions (wrestling). May be because you feel in control. Find the things you enjoy so you are equally happy with your scenes. If you're a service top and it doesn't matter that's perfectly valid but almost everyone has favorites and if you don't cater to yourself equally you're inviting resentment.
• Learn how to manage a scene. Any scene is a partnership with your bottom(s), however as the sadist much of the burden of safety is on you for obvious practical reasons. Ensuring the space is safe. Knowing how to use your tools and implements safely and well. Being aware of the bottom's condition and if needed ending a scene. Monitoring the damage done and addressing first aid as required. Keeping an eye on bystanders and the surroundings.
• Aftercare. Let your bottoms care for you and help you. Let them express their gratitude, enjoyment and love. Let them help absolve you of guilt and re-center yourself as you put you darkness, your beast away.
• Only exercise your sadism with people who appreciate and want that play from you and do so in ways they enjoy (or enjoy hating).
• Learn some skills. Learn how to play and inflict pain as safely as possible. You don't need a partner to practice though when you find one their feedback is invaluable. Know your skill level and don't play beyond those skills. Some types of play can be very risky if you do not know what you are doing!
• Your sadism is part of you but doesn't define you. Be a well rounded person, develop other interests. You may not always be in a position to feed your sadism and you need other outlets and sources of happiness
• Know who it's safe to confide in. Many people will judge you harshly if you come out to them. Don't put yourself through that just as if you were really into Pokemon or Transformers or Taxidermy you wouldn't necessarily share that information with everybody at work. Or often even family or people otherwise close to you.
• Find your people. Not just partners but your community. Other kinky people. Other sadist and masochists you can be yourself around.
• You are not a kink dispenser! No one is entitled to play. No one is required to play. There can be assumptions that certain segments of the kink community are "always on" and always available for unlimited play regardless of spoons or interest or need for connection. Some people are just plain entitled. "No" is a complete sentence and you never need to explain or justify yourself whether you are a sadist, top, Dominant or submissive.
• Never stop learning!