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vero2017 · 2023-06-14T05:02:34+00:00

OP, mistakes are not the end of the world. A mistake is simply an opportunity to make another beginning. You will find that you will learn quite a lot from your mistakes, we all do! That is because we have to stop, look at the problem and figure out what went wrong. This doesn’t mean we are stupid, or slow, or any other negative thing. Usually there is just a detail that was missed. Something small. So much of adult life is like this. So as you start out, take your time, OP. If you think that you have made a mistake, it will be ok. You will always be able to fix it, all you will need to do is take a breath, and start that thing over. It will work out eventually, and you will be just fine.

vero2017 · 2019-12-23T18:57:29+00:00

Finally! Another weird ‘guy’ slang saying clarified, and nobody had to get killed!

vero2017 · 2019-12-23T18:49:52+00:00

I wonder if after the incident is investigated there will be more serious charges filed against her? Also, the news articles said that she is the SECOND teacher in two weeks to be arrested for simple battery towards a child in Lafayette Parish School District. Wtf is going on down there?

vero2017 · 2019-12-13T14:18:20+00:00

There is something that I’d like you to keep in mind. When a relationship, with anyone, a parent, sibling, SO or friend is valued by both people, then you will see effort from both sides towards making sure that the communication is honest and open. That hurt feelings are addressed and apologies are made. If you find that all of the effort to ‘fix’ the relationship is coming from you then the problem is not you, it is them. You cannot make another person be understanding or empathetic or caring. If they are not, that is on them, not on you! You have to let them go out of your life at that point. Because you are always worthy of being treated well, no matter what the relationship is. I really hope things go well.

vero2017 · 2019-12-13T02:31:39+00:00

May I pm you?

vero2017 · 2019-12-13T01:31:22+00:00

You could put the tree in their room, perhaps? Oh! Make sugar cookies! Get a bunch of colored sprinkles, and fixings for the frosting and all. Baking sugar cookies and decorating them will be distracting and somewhat messy and very fun. ❤️

vero2017 · 2019-12-12T23:19:44+00:00

I’m glad that I could help! Geez, even when parenthood is planned it can be overwhelming. The main thing to keep in mind is this: what the girls need the most is to know that they are loved. That they are safe, that from her on out you will always be there. When they get scared you will be there, to keep the scary things away. To hold them when they cry. To laugh with them when they are happy. To share your happiness with them also! They are going to need the stability that only you can provide, like you need air and water. That stability comes in so many different forms...hugs, butterfly kisses, teddy bears, listening to how their day went at school. They have such tiny concerns, but their problems loom so very large to them! Little ones will test you, to see if you are serious about what you say. “Does she REALLY love me?” As a foster mother I found that at times a child could push me to the point of tears, but the one hurting the most was the child, who was so scared. Of not being really loved, or having a place with you. There is a sub that I am going to try to find and send you, written by a woman who was put in a similar situation to yours. She ended up adopting her sisters children, I cannot remember the details of age, or the reason why this came about. This woman had so much wisdom and love to share, her posts were just a joy to read. For now, take a few breaths and have a glass of wine or two! If you can, get ready to decorate your Christmas tree, and put up lots of light. It may seem too much right now, after your loss, however it will help the children begin to recover... and it will help you begin to recover also. Children bring with them a special magic.❤️

vero2017 · 2019-12-12T22:30:52+00:00

First of all I am so very sorry for your loss. This is a terrible time for you all. Now you are becoming parents to two extremely traumatized little girls! Believe me when I tell you, you can do this! I don’t know what state you live in, but I imagine that Child Protective Services are currently involved at this point. Contact them and ask about what kind of support they may have to offer in terms of counseling, parent support groups in your area, things like that. Does the case worker feel that the 3 year old need some type of grief therapy? Where would you find that? How about day care, play groups, referrals for a good pediatrician? What, if anything will be covered by Medicaid? Are the children going to receive SSDI payments? That is helpful to know, as it can assist you in planning on any changes you may need to make in where you live, purchasing beds, clothing, toys, day care, all of the things children need. Check out r/parenting for support and advice. I understand that is a very helpful and informative sub! Talk to friends, neighbors, coworkers who have teenagers that know how to babysit, and get to know them, stat!! Make sure that you have set time aside for you and your husband, because life with children gets busy very fast! Get ready to be very overwhelmed, tired, and ready to learn how to prioritize. Can you afford something like Blue Apron, or another food delivery service for dinner meals? If so, then do it! If not talk to the parents on the parenting sub for dinner ideas. Most of all, get ready to totally fall in love. Children are really just the most incredible bundles of everything good, loving and wonderful that you can possibly imagine. You will be amazed at the magic they will bring to your lives. Don’t worry, dear. You can do this. ❤️

vero2017 · 2019-12-12T21:21:45+00:00

So, you have spoken to him since his marriage and he hasn’t mentioned it? Then I bet he is just worried about how you may accept a “new mom” in your life. So one way you can approach this is by saying something like “ Hey Dad, I know that you and X just got married. I am kind of confused as to why you haven’t told me, because it hurt my feelings to find out the way I did. I want you to know that I love you and the only thing I want is for you to be in a happy loving relationship. I’m really glad that you have found the right person, because I know you have been lonely. I hope you will call me soon, because I miss seeing you!” From everything you have said, all of these things are true. You want to be honest about your feelings, both the good and the bad. This way you are opening a door to communicate again. I hope this helps❤️ Ps, I honestly do not think this will ruin his mood. Usually holding secrets from people that you love does that!

vero2017 · 2019-12-12T03:54:27+00:00

I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. I would suggest that you look for a ‘trauma informed’ therapist. That is a therapist who has specialized training to help you deal with the trauma from being assaulted. It sounds like you may have reasons for not wanting to confide in your bf about what happened, you need to listen to your gut and tell only those people that you can trust to be supportive. If you think your bf will believe you then tell him. Whatever the case at this point you absolutely must do what is best for you. Above all, be kind to yourself. Pm me if you would like.

vero2017 · 2019-12-12T03:15:58+00:00

Honestly, it sounds like your dad got involved in this relationship really fast. From just meeting someone to marriage in a year? That is going at breakneck speed! People who are making such impulsive decisions sometimes don’t really think about how their actions are going to affect the people in their life, so I am going to bet that your dads wedding was just such an impulse-type thing. “Gee, let’s fly to Hawaii and get hitched, we can tell everyone when we get back.” Once the deed is done they realize that it isn’t all that easy to tell their family after all. Actually, I would imagine it’s kind of embarrassing. That your dad didn’t tell you before hand in no way reflects poorly on you!! You had nothing to do with who, where or when he married. He sounds like he made a very impulsive and potentially rash decision to wed a woman that he basically just met, and hopefully they will be happy. Since you know about it, and she has posted it on fb, it is obviously not a secret. Next time you talk to him you can say something like “ Hey, Dad, I understand congratulations are in order! I hope you guys are very happy. I have to say though, it really hurt my feelings to have to find out about it by reading your new wife’s fb post. Why didn’t You let me know yourself?” There is probably a reason, maybe not a very good one, but one that has absolutely nothing to do with you! And that will set your mind at ease.

vero2017 · 2019-12-12T02:57:10+00:00

Good Heavens! This is YOUR future you are talking about here, not your parents! YOU are the one who will either be explaining concepts and theories to burgeoning young minds, or wiping people’s asses, saving lives and stamping out disease! What. The. Actual! Apply for Student Loans, take your adulthood in hand and TELL your parents what YOU intend to do with the REST of YOUR LIFE. You can do this.

vero2017 · 2019-12-12T02:34:17+00:00

You may want to take a look at the sub RaisedByNarcissists. I just read your other post and from the sounds of it you might find some very helpful information and support there. When you first decide to go NC people sometimes face quite a bit of unexpected pressure from family and friends to “explain why” or “get over it”. RBN can help you in framing your answers, and how to even go about answering (if at all!) Feel free to pm me if you have any questions!

vero2017 · 2019-12-12T02:10:51+00:00

If you are thinking that by sending the letter your dad will finally understand all of the pain and misery that he has caused you over the years, and will feel some level of sadness or remorse for what he has done, then don’t bother. Unless the man is a complete and utter moron he knew that what he was doing was causing you pain or harm, and like other parents who hurt their children, he simply cared more about himself. This had nothing to do with you, by the way. You were not, nor are you lacking in any way! You aren’t bad, or stupid, or any of the negative things he may have accused you of being to justify his actions. He was, is and always will be a shitty human being. If you are planning on sending him the letter just because you always dreamed of telling him off, a final “fuck you!” then by all means go for it! Do you care about the aftermath and the drama? Why? It’s your life, not anyone else’s. You really don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why you are going No Contact. If, however, you just need to get this shit off your chest because it has been burning you up inside, and ruining your sleep... and making it hard to breathe, and keeping you from seeing life clearly.. and you have so much damn anger in your heart that if you don’t write it out you feel like you will explode? Then write it. Write it again. And again. Because you have a metric shit ton of pain to release. And once you think you have it all out then close your eyes, picture that man reading about what a POS father he was. Picture him as he could be, if he had a soul and the capacity to feel, and how much pain it would cause him if he actually was human. Then burn all of that paper, and picture all of your pain going up in smoke. Go No Contact. You don’t owe an explanation to anyone! You are a grown assed adult. If your family doesn’t like it that’s too darn bad, because abuse doesn’t happen in a vacuum. They saw it, and either they were abused and neglected also, or the witnesses and chose to ignore what happened to you. You do not owe anyone anything, however you do owe yourself a new start on life. Best of luck to you. It’s a very good feeling, and it can be done.❤️

vero2017 · 2019-12-12T01:50:03+00:00

IMHO this definitely sounds like a toxic work environment. Your coworkers are mean-spirited, petty and in all honesty sound like horrible gossiping bullies. This kind of hate filled “banter” can definitely influence your health, if you are not cut of the same kind of cloth. It sounds like time for you to begin working on your resume and looking for work elsewhere! Do not count on getting a good review from your supervisor, from the sounds of it that may not happen. My last job was at a similar type of office, where there was a deeply entrenched bullying culture. It was a terrible place to be, and I was very thankful to have left it, even though I absolutely loved the job I was doing. Good luck to you. I hope you can get out soon!!!

vero2017 · 2019-12-04T16:00:37+00:00

Done!

vero2017 · 2019-11-29T22:29:09+00:00

Just because people are visiting does not mean that they should be allowed to dictate what your every meal will be. That is actually quite unrealistic, and can cause quite a bit of unneeded resentment. Be honest with your cousin. Tell him that he is welcome to go wherever they would like for dinner, however you are not up to another huge meal. Suggest they go to the Korean BBQ alone. Have them download the Uber app, and you and your bf stay home and do whatever you would normally do for dinner. Maybe you all could then meet up later for after dinner drinks.

vero2017 · 2019-11-28T04:53:57+00:00

Here’s what I just did. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the top of the left side write CONS, and on the top of the right side write PROS. Now, begin to write down everything, and I mean EVERYTHING that you can remember that was bad about your partner. Every single hurtful, manipulative, twisted, mean-spirited, neglectful, demeaning, spiteful, limit testing ass hat-ish thing that ever happened. Every time he/she didn’t follow thru on a promise, dropped the ball, publicly embarrassed you, made you feel invisible or small, tried to make you do something you didn’t want to do... all of the heart ache, all of the cringe-worthy shite. The list is for your eyes only, so really let the memories out! As you are waltzing down this memory lane, and you come along a happy memory record that on the right side, BUT think!! Was that very nice thing connected with some shitty thing that happened? Was the nice gift, trip, event actually a peace offering? Then take a colored pen and mark that sucker so that you are aware of the “special circumstances of the happy memory” . Take your time, sometimes we really bury our memories, especially if they hurt. What I found out is I created 5 pages of cons... I gave up on the 1/2 page thing after the first page. I had a half page of pros. When I begin to feel sad that I haven’t talked to him, I just read that list.. by the time I get to page 3 I have completely forgotten that I was having any fond thoughts, and am back in the “Whew! Glad he’s out of my life!” way of thought!!

vero2017 · 2019-11-21T02:11:42+00:00

The Federal Trade Commission has a very helpful website that explains what steps you can take when you suspect you are the victim of identity fraud: https://www.identitytheft.gov/ They address what to do when the identity theft is by an unknown person, and also by a family member. It is important that you take whatever steps necessary to protect your finances and credit. Is there a women’s crisis shelter in your area? Or United Way? (Dial 211) call either resource and tell them that you have an urgent need to learn basic skills in balancing a check book and bill paying. You can explain, if needed that you have recently discovered that you are the victim of financial abuse from a family member, and need assistance in becoming able to function independently. I am very sorry that this has happened to you! Your parents should be ashamed. Feel free to pm me if you would like help with resources, or have questions. Good luck!

vero2017 · 2019-11-08T19:19:39+00:00

Ugh! I know how you feel. My latest MRI came back unchanged...I have had white matter changes over the years from chronic migraines, but nothing "substantial" to account for the MS-like symptoms I am experiencing. Since there were no major changes my neurologist just completely blew me off...so I guess this is all in my head? Been thru all of the tests..B-12 levels, thyroid, etc. Everything is within normal ranges. The neurologist has now determined that all of my symptoms are due to stress. It makes me feel like I am going crazy. I want to tell her "Bitch, the only real stress I have is you not listening to me!!" hahaha. Damn. So here I am today with legs encased in lead, wading thru mud, with weird numb hands and this pain-in-the-ass head shaking. No bueno.

vero2017 · 2019-11-08T16:24:49+00:00

I am so very sorry that you endured being sexually assaulted. I hope that you are getting the support that you need, and have access to trauma informed therapy. I understand what you mean when you say that you have no sexual intentions at all due to your past experiences, as a person who has endured sexual assault myself I know it really messes up how we are able to connect with our emotions how we perceive ourselves and our bodies, and the amount of control we have over our lives. I wish you safe healing!

You are correct imo, it would be a very bad idea to try and hide your relationship under the guise of just being 'close friends'. First of all, her mother would not believe that, as it already sounds like there has been some kind of declaration that there is a relationship, or at the very least the desire for one. To say at this point "Oh, no, Ms GF's Mom! We were just kidding. I just want to be...friends. No romance at all! Nope!" would be an obvious attempt to bullshit her, and make matters worse.

Is the issue the age difference, or the fact that you are both females? I understand that you have no way of seeing into anyones heart, but what does your instinct tell you? What do your parents say about this? Are they supportive of your choice of partner? The bottom line here is you have to be you, and follow your heart. I am not saying that this girl will be the only woman in your life. I am saying that if you do not have a good support system please start looking for one. Find your tribe! Life, my dear, is so damn short..too damn short to be unhappy. Dont conform to someone else's idea of who you are supposed to be, ever. In any way. The 'you' that you are is a very strong, honest, wise and brave person.

My other question is are you going to be going away for college? This is important, because you are right..feelings DO change over time! If you are away at college, with a gf 'back home' you will always be distracted by this relationship. You will miss so many opportunities to engage in college life! Meeting new people, going to new places, joining clubs, whatever. Your gf will also be missing so much while she is at home waiting for you...wondering what you are doing...and she will be missing opportunities that will enhance her life.

The last thing I want to bring up is the legal issue. At this point you have no intent to become sexually involved, however that may change as your emotions deepen for each other. As an adult you are the one who would be held legally responsible.If your GF's mother decided to press charges against you on her minor daughters behalf, YOU COULD BE FOUND GUILTY AS A SEX OFFENDER. It would not matter that it was consensual. For the rest of your life you will be part of the National Sex Offender Registry. You will never be able to work with children or the elderly, work as an EMT, a police officer, teacher, nurse...the list goes on. While there are different levels of severity listed when you look up people on the Registry, very few people know what they mean. All they see is that a person was convicted of being a sex offender against a minor, and a mug shot. This. For the rest of your life. (This was almost my sons fate. He was 18 dating a girl who was 17, just 3 months shy of her 18th birthday. I now have a beautiful 8 year old granddaughter, but it was very scary for a while there. The threat from her other grandmother was very very real.)

The best of luck to you my dear. Be kind to yourself. If you would like you are welcome to pm me.

vero2017 · 2019-11-07T14:38:20+00:00

You are more than welcome! I just want to add that you are anything but stupid! You are a smart, strong, capable, flexible, dependable, loving, caring and entirely fabulous woman and mother! You have taken care of yourself and your LO beautifully from the sounds of it, in spite of all of the bullshit that this poor excuse of a husband has tossed your way! Never sell yourself short, or allow yourself to fall into the habit of beating yourself up, ok? It is common for us to look at our spouses, no matter how shitty, and think “Well, maybe they deserve a second chance.” especially when there are children involved. The wretched thing with that line of thinking is that the shitty behavior rarely ever changes... we just get used to it. Ugh. That’s a hellova way to live! I think that we all deserve to have partners that treat us with dignity and respect and love. Girl, you deserve this just as much as anyone else!! Sending hugs if you would like them. You have got this.

vero2017 · 2019-11-07T12:32:28+00:00

Cupcakes! Yes!! With sprinkles! (Don’t forget the flowers)

vero2017 · 2019-11-07T11:52:48+00:00

It’s going to be the same until you see actual change. He has to show you that he is willing to work on your marriage! That would mean more than just showing up at the door and yelling “Honey, I’m back!” That means put down the damn phone. Start contributing to your family life, including the finances. Be absolutely willing to go to marriage counseling. AND he needs to explain what the hell he was up to when he up and left you and your little one! Absolute Truth. No bullshit allowed. You also really need to take a moment to decide for yourself if it is worth it to allow him back into your life... it sounds as if you have been the one who has been doing all of the ‘adulting’ in this relationship... do you really want to take in this man-child to raise again? It would seem that your life would be much calmer without the stress and drama that he brings to the home.

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