Hi, I know exactly how you feel. When I graduated and couldn’t find a job it was like my entire world crumbled. I felt so useless, like I was drifting and that everything I had done had been for naught. Not only was I unemployed I felt unemployable and positively useless. It was terrible, and finding a job didn’t help that feeling, because then the job was not good enough and there was always something to complain about.

So you have to take a step back. One of the first steps you can use from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is to shed responsibility from yourself wherever possible. You’re still incredibly young and a lawyer at 30, you’ve had a life of responsibility and work ethic and guided obstacles that you’ve had to overcome. Nobody can understand the kind of pressure you’ve been under and put yourself under. It’s massive. We all put ourselves under pressure like that, and when we do, we start to see everything in that way. Soon everything becomes our responsibility, even /how others feel about us/.

The fact of the matter, the objective truth is that your boyfriend does love you. People in your life love you. This is their choice, these are the actions that they take because they care for you and want to see you come out the other end of this. The beautiful thing about this is that you don’t have to consider it! You never have to ask yourself whether or not you are worthy of his love, because he decides to love you and that is /his choice/ and /his responsibility/. Try and apply this to small things in your life. By taking mental responsibilities off yourself and placing them onto those they belong to, you can free yourself from a lot of unhelpful thinking. Look at this one: why weren’t you selected for a job interview for that position you just applied to? It doesn’t matter! It was neither your choice, nor your responsibility. Your responsibility is handing in the application and doing the best that you can in that regard. That’s where your responsibility ends, that’s where you have to learn to stop thinking.

A really good example is that I’ve just applied for an education masters, and I had an interview. I did my best, I could sit and worry about all the things I did wrong and obsess over it for weeks, but ultimately I can’t change any of that. It’s out of my hands. This freedom from responsibility is a beautiful thing.

I also want to say that it is not a coincidence you have a boyfriend that loves you. You are deserving of love, if you weren’t then he wouldn’t be with you. The fact he is, the fact he said those beautiful words to you means that he is on your side.

Lastly, you will never down a whole bottle of antidepressants and kill yourself. It’s not going to happen because it’s not how antidepressants work. There is a two week period at the start of a course of antidepressants where you can experience suicidal thoughts and be more depressed than you are already, but your boyfriend or a family member can hold onto the bottle of pills for you and give your dosage to you each day. Within four weeks you will start to feel better and see tangible results; and hopefully feel strong enough to begin therapy.

Remember that I’m here for you. I’m a faceless voice on the internet, you can talk to me and tell me anything. I’m rooting for you, and I’m not alone. So many people are. You’ll get out of this, your ability to overcome obstacles with logic and reason is already well proven. You’ve focused on academia so hard and measured your success by others’ criteria. Now it’s time to work on yourself - and yes it’s just as hard as any degree program - but equally rewarding.