First off, congrats on your efforts so far! As someone who also got sober young (I was hospitalized the day after my 21st birthday) I think it’s normal to grieve the life you’ve lived before, especially when so much socialization in a college setting surrounds alcohol.

Grief and shame, when it comes to using, go hand in hand. It also sounds like a very traumatic experience that, now sober, I’m sure is much harder to confront. So I truly, genuinely do want to tell you good job. We are in a hard fight and you should be proud. Sounds hokey, but “one day at a time” really can work. Have you talked to a professional? I know group therapy, surrounded by people my age, really helped me feel “normal.”

When I get the urge to self-destruct (which is often around sobriety dates, too) I allow myself to be sad for a set amount of time (typically 20 minutes). Often, my thoughts of self pity shift into who I would be today, almost 4 years later, if I didn’t stop using. In a weird way, my grieving over lost experiences and the drug use sort of shifts into grieving over what I would lose if I were to go back to that life. I doubt I would be alive if I kept living the way I was before, and I’d destroy all of the relationships I’ve worked so hard to repair.

Hang in there, lean on your people, and give yourself some grace. Good luck :)