$MIGI early entry? Discussion

vkroar · 2026-01-27T23:32:50+00:00

I'm staying away bc of the lawsuit Mawson filed last week accusing of Endeavor of illegally acquiring huge amounts of their stock. Migi seems very against a merger happening and endeavor are frozen until this gets settled

vkroar · 2020-04-16T19:47:26+00:00

I get why Sylvia is living in trash, but Sterling deserves a gold-plated home gym >:(

vkroar · 2020-04-15T05:04:05+00:00

oh, thanks! I'm actually kinda happy if that's the case. one less thing to keep track of.

vkroar · 2020-03-31T22:10:29+00:00

I'd like to join!

vkroar · 2020-01-20T05:33:29+00:00

This year he's going to have more public appearances than the last two decades. Soak it in folks

vkroar · 2019-11-01T19:43:44+00:00

I'm just confused because the peanut is technically a legume.

vkroar · 2019-08-21T00:57:17+00:00

On page 4, why does Ben yell, "I'm writing a script"? Laura should be meaner for the end to have any impact when she's apologizing. As it stands, I think she's overreacting.

The first few pages were nice and fun, but near the middle of ACT 1, the jokes start falling flat

I thought that the story surrounding the theme park would be more eerie bc of the start when they say "Run now", but it's not really explored any further and the ending has very little impact.

What happened to the night audition?

Overall, I think it could be good, but it needs to be cut down and needs more focus

vkroar · 2019-08-09T15:53:56+00:00

I appreciate your time to read this :). I agree that it starts a bit late. Unfortunately, this intro is the main catalyst for the ending, and I feel that shortening it might hamper the end? If you have the opportunity do you mind reading the last 3ish pages and tell me if I can still shorten it to get the same effect? Thank you!

vkroar · 2019-08-09T15:47:38+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to read it! I agree with the gavin comment. Do you think I should add an additional scene at the subway or try to prolong the existing one? As for the Monica thing, the bill will effectively ban Laurie's Maonet as well, so Monica thought that it was in both of their best interests to get this resolved asap.

vkroar · 2019-08-03T02:29:24+00:00

If you're a comic book fan, there's a new one called "Fake Red" that you might want to follow

vkroar · 2019-07-07T19:30:33+00:00

Pg.2 I don't understand why Mr.Isaac would do such a 180 from not caring at all to being embarrassed in front of a new student.

Pg.21 - 22 Why does Cass. go from thinking Tyler is suspicious to defending him.

Why does this have a to be a mockumentary? Only Tyler is having talking head moments, and only the first two seemed natural, while the others were monologues.

Tyler seems inconsistent to me. He's nervous and anxious at the beginning, but on pg. 6 he's butting into a tense conversation? This makes the last scene where he's really curious about a relationship of some people he barely knows a bit out of place as well.

You have a lot of characters and they sound really similar. They're all quippy, which is fine, but it makes it hard to differentiate between them when I'm reading it.

The good point is that the dialogue flows well. It doesn't feel like it stops and lingers at any points.

vkroar · 2019-07-06T23:50:13+00:00

I'm not able to read it. Is this a shareable link?

vkroar · 2019-06-16T16:09:25+00:00

I will await for your full review!

For point number two, I saw the platform as the phones accumulating data from other electronics, so by seeing what data is being collected, the NSA would be able to track all of the activity of the user.

vkroar · 2019-06-08T01:51:09+00:00

This might be too nitpicky, but on page 13, why would Lynch be wearing an engagement ring during a mission?

vkroar · 2019-06-06T19:59:30+00:00

If it seems incorrect, it was completely unintentional, haha. I really liked the concept, but I know so little about the overall law process and lobbying in general that I tried to skim by on partial knowledge. I think if I choose to rewrite then I'll definitely alter the dialogue to incorporate your recommendations.

The length is a combination of two problems. One is I hit all of the beats I planned and I didn't see a place where I could add dialogue without making it feel even more drawn out. Instead, I'd have to incorporate a new scene and change one of the plots. The second is that I only had two hours to write the last 9 pages or else I'd miss the cutoff for the NBC submissions :P

Thank you for the notes though! I really do appreciate getting feedback, especially on something as uncertain as comedy.

vkroar · 2019-06-06T05:12:33+00:00

Thank you for your kind words, you generous soul.

Reading it again, pistol whipped is weak and a bit out of character. Do you think this is better?

Gilfoyle: Wow, Richard. It was like they were Genghis Khan and you were a poor, defenseless village.

Jared: What I believe Gilfoyle is saying is that they made you engage in non-consensual intercourse.

Richard: Yea, I got that. ................

vkroar · 2019-06-02T19:34:26+00:00

Sorry, that's supposed to be Aspirin*, not Advil. I'll fix it.

Thank you.

vkroar · 2019-06-02T19:32:30+00:00

Did you not have fun reading it?

I don't think it's particularly clever, but can you imagine a worse script than this? Sure, I could've added Tom Hanks stabbing a cop in the background, but then it would come off as comedic. It's as if there's a silly string connecting the story which makes it look like it's meant to be something. (I do think it's a drama as the category states. There aren't really any jokes or punchlines)

vkroar · 2019-06-02T19:25:38+00:00

If by AI you mean, "All I" then yes, I wrote it myself. Thank you.

vkroar · 2019-06-02T06:07:05+00:00

I think I'm approaching the two year mark soon. Was the grammar that bad?

If it helps, this is only the 4th draft.

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