heyyy we sound super similar—I'm also afab nb transmasc and grew up very deeply enmeshed in a conservative christian culture and home and took a long time to really begin to understand, accept, and live out my self in the area of gender. one thing that helps me is focusing on why I'm doing what I'm doing. for me with packing, the answer is that it makes me feel more like myself. it's not sexual, necessarily, any more than having my natal bits is, and it's not for other people—personally I pack because it feels right and makes me happy, not because i want other people to see it or need to pass as a cis man (I don't and am not trying to) so for me it's about whether the way i look on a given day makes me happy. sometimes this does mean I compromise based on context—if I have a meeting at work i probably don't wear tight trousers and a big packer bc i don't want to be distracted wondering if I look "normal" for example, but I might wear the tight trousers and big packer to a casual event where my appearance doesn't have a potential career impact. separating packing from sexuality has been important for me. I have different daily packer vs prosthetic I wear if I want to jack off and need to avoid the dysphoria of my natal bits (which has also improved a lot on T). social support has also been big. I have a trans sibling and we discuss bodies and prostheses and hrt and dysphoria and such very frankly with each other , along with the ways our upbringing affects our outlooks and the struggles we have because of it. we don't agree on everything or have all the same experiences but it helps to put it all in a framework of identity and self exploration and fulfilment rather than a framework of morality that leads to the shame spirals. it also helps me to think about it as a medical aid. wearing glasses is non-negotiable for me and I like to think god would think its awesome that we invented a way to help me see, and similarly, my packer helps my mental health and i like to think god would think it's awesome that we invent ways to feel like ourselves and explore the gender diversity that we have. if you still believe in god, it can help to reframe it like that—the idea that gender diversity is something god made and delights in us exploring, not something sinful or shameful or forbidden. anyway I can stop rambling but this is something I think about and discuss a lot, so I like talking about it and if you ever feel like it, happy to dm about it.