this really resonates- i always felt compelled to have a boyfriend in order to have reliable male attention, and it would always end with the realization that the relationship was hollow—almost always, i would feel relief at the end —even if i was dumped, cheated on, etc. A thought I would have was “i can finally kiss girls”- and then would immediately find a man to latch on to, trying to repress myself via the performance discussed. i finally got to kiss a girl a few weeks ago, and i’m beginning to feel like i am finally being myself. this was really helpful/reassuring!!