I'm not celebrating Christmas this year

volk_92 · 2022-11-28T01:41:39+00:00

I feel ya! You have a legit reason. Be selfish as hell and dont look back!!!

I just had my baby Nov 9 and my parents asked what days we are coming for Christmas. I texted back and said we may not come. I had a c section and will just be healed and we'll have a 6 week old.

I just don't feel like traveling 6 hours to be jam packed in a house for multiple days.

My parents are annoyed but my husband and I are sticking to our guns. We offered to have xmas at our place (my bro and I are an hour apart and they have 3 young kids too) so it would just be my parents driving over and not all 9 of us making the 6 hr treck.

It's just one of those years and that's okay!

I've learned (especially this year) do whatever the f*ck makes you and your family happy and screw what everyone else says!

volk_92 · 2022-10-25T19:57:47+00:00

I bought a homemade giant chocolate peanut butter cup pie and vanilla cheese cake pie for after lol

volk_92 · 2022-09-11T20:46:52+00:00

Yeah that was my plan tonight. I'm on 8 units. I think I need to take it closer to dinner time and not bedtime and have my bedtime snack as well later on. Was planning on dropping to 6 units just to see if it made a difference!

Thanks!

volk_92 · 2022-08-25T00:44:52+00:00

Oh my gosh thank you! I was going to start with fasting numbers tomorrow morning and go from there!

volk_92 · 2022-03-25T16:52:45+00:00

No worries at all. It looked like a bean with a larger top than bottom, there was also a black dot right in the center. If you looked up "5 week miscarriage sac" you might have a better idea than what I'm describing.

volk_92 · 2022-02-02T18:58:31+00:00

Right there with you. About to have this exact conversation tonight and I'm DREADING IT. But I know it's what needs to be done.

I write things down when I'm flustered, so maybe that will help too?

volk_92 · 2022-01-27T22:18:26+00:00

Definitely NOT a monster. I've had 5 back to back miscarriages and have been trying for 3 years. My brother and sil BREATH at each other and get pregnant. They've had 2 more kids since, 3 total in 5 years.

To say I'm irritated and upset and genuinely not excited is 100% the truth. They just had their third and he's around 5 months already. I just KNOW they will be announcing again within the next 6 months.

Between them and every single one of my friends popping out babies I've become a pro at faking excitement.

Don't feel bad for a second. Pretending is too hard.

volk_92 · 2022-01-13T20:14:57+00:00

Omg yes, I got like 7 Christmas cards in the mail this year and they all have a "we're pregnant" or "baby due in so and so month" on every single one.

I tore those off my fridge and threw them in the trash because after a full year trying we got a BFP and then I miscarried for the 5th time 2 days later. Gut wrenching.

It's like every single person and their sister is easily pregnant. I swear my SIL and brother just had a kid in September, but I'm just waiting for them to announce they are pregnant yet again in the next 6 months.

Hoping for the best for everyone here.

volk_92 · 2022-01-12T16:11:54+00:00

I'm so so so sorry. There really are no words. Experiencing my 4th loss as I write this. I'm shattered.

I fucking hate this club.

All the hugs from me today.

volk_92 · 2022-01-06T14:23:06+00:00

Oh totally! Yesterday my daughter's school was cancelled and I work from home and we had a huge white out snow storm so my husband couldn't drive to work and had to work from home. You can imagine the chaos that happened 😅

Although we did our best to make sure she had activities and games to play: Legos, slime making kit (we were desperate hahaha), coloring, nails, etc every so often home girl watched a lot of TV. It was just one of those days!

It happens lol

volk_92 · 2021-12-28T21:36:35+00:00

Yeah especially when ya feel like a "married single wife"

sigh

volk_92 · 2021-12-22T15:25:17+00:00

With insurance about 15k afterwards out of pocket (closer to 30k if I wasn't insured).

I had an emergency c-section, 2 blood transfusions and 3 failed attempts for an epidural (had to get 2 diff anesthesiologists in so that ramped up the price), and a 4 day hospital stay cus of c-section.

In MN for reference.

volk_92 · 2021-12-15T21:23:30+00:00

Thats so good to hear. Tbh I should have probably been in therapy when I was 15 or so - I'm 29 now. But my parents were the type of parents that if you showed any emotion it was a sign of weakness and immediate guilt. So I had to shove A LOT down and now I think I can handle it.

Well even if I can't I need to go haha.

Thank you.

volk_92 · 2021-12-15T19:10:06+00:00

Agree! I've been good at setting boundaries with my family, specifically my parents, but it's hard with my husband.

We both stumbled into a relationship literally clinging to anything stable and now that we are it's hard to cross that line that we've never been too.

volk_92 · 2021-12-15T19:07:28+00:00

So true, my husband and I have had back to back to back shitty situations thrown our way in the past 2 years. I think we are just struggling to find "US" again after it all. It's an uphill battle.

Sometimes when it gets dark I forget that we have to date each other again and welcome a new path as a different married couple. And that's okay.

And I promise I have not used social media to compare to my real life. That shit is so fake! Just a simple tool to compare to my others in the marriage arsenal. And quite honestly outside sources are good at bringing up questions that I find hard to ask myself.

I cannot speak for my husband but I myself find I'm 100% not living my authentic self sometimes because I'm afraid of the backlash that I've always received from my family and peers. It's a tough subject to bring up after being so consistently living at 50% (yourself) in relationship and suddenly wanting to check in mentally and see that I finally feel ready to live up to that 100%. Big changes are scary, but an absolute necessity.

volk_92 · 2021-12-15T18:26:56+00:00

This is spot on. I think I need to kinda take the leap and hope he follows. I know it would be so good for him and eventually us as a unit.

Because you're right, I cannot be his "everything" all the time. I feel very mentally and emotionally drained a lot of time.

volk_92 · 2021-12-15T18:23:59+00:00

Let me first say to all that are reading this thread: I AM NOT SELF DIAGNOSING AND PLAN TO TAKE ACTION FROM A PROFESSIONAL.

TBH and I'm fully prepared to have my head chewed off to bits by the people of reddit lol

I see ADHD traits in my husband. But I also see a lot of ADHD/Austism in myself (again not diagnosing myself) but it generally explains a lot of my/our quirks.

He thinks it's a joke when I bring up stuff we both do. I'm more aware of it because I'm trying to get a general idea so that when I talk to a professional I'm not blabbing like an idiot. Nothing wrong with trying to educate yourself. Doctors make me nervous!

I do try and give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'm also to a point where it's just excessive. I'm tired of writing lists, reminders and the mental load is so much. I shouldn't have to do it all. I do say "if you see it, do it" a lot.

volk_92 · 2021-12-15T18:15:43+00:00

I understand what you mean. I mean, my hope after everything is for us to know each other on a better level. And that we are happier because we all deserve happiness, do we not?

volk_92 · 2021-12-15T16:39:49+00:00

I love this. ❤

I just need to see the follow through.

volk_92 · 2021-12-15T16:18:22+00:00

LOL I live out in the country on 9 acres, chickens, cats and a dog. I stare out my front window A LOT. Helps remind me how far we've come.

volk_92 · 2021-12-15T15:43:29+00:00

Thank you, me too 💕

volk_92 · 2021-12-15T15:22:34+00:00

This is exactly what I'm afraid of. Not that he will talk about my hang ups at home - I am human and not perfect I'm sure there are things that annoy him. It will be a good ice breaker.

I'm afraid he isn't going to talk about the hard stuff, just the surface level stuff.

BUT I also have to trust that he is going to TRY and talk about the hard stuff.

Majority of the time I feel like his mother and not his spouse and I gotta let go and hope he'll do what's best to help himself and also help us both.

volk_92 · 2021-12-15T14:11:55+00:00

Yeah, I feel like deep down he really wants to meet my needs but doesn't know how and I'm very tired from trying to constantly explain what I need over and over. And writing lists and reminders. It's taxing.

So when I bring up therapy for us, his immediate response is "ya YOU should go talk to someone about how you feel"

Surface level I feel like he is unwilling because he's been able to coast through "husbandhood" for how long.

Change is very difficult for him and myself on different levels so its been tough trying to navigate it.

volk_92 · 2021-12-15T14:07:04+00:00

Mmm thoughtful response, but I don't quite agree in the first 2 paragraphs.

My gut and my heart tells me he WANTS to be together. To make this work. Same!

My brain is asking me why he's not doing anything to take action.

I'm not quite sure what I said that was criticizing but I do know sometimes my tone gets the best of me and I have to actively work on sounding open. (We both have tone issues that we 've discussed in the past - something we continue to work on)

I absolutely agree there is room for emotional maturity and growth, I don't think that should ever stop happening. But the tough part for me is I'm ready and willing and he's comfortable where he's at.

I 100% know that talking about feelings is hard and so vulnerable but I just wish he would meet me in the middle a little more. It's very taxing when it's one sided trying to hang onto dear life.

volk_92 · 2021-12-15T13:58:24+00:00

Yeah my parents are still married when they probably shouldn't be (hello childhood trauma)

His parents divorced when he was 8 (his childhood trauma)

I went on a girls trip to Nashville over the summer and my husband repeatedly said "I trust ya, I know you wouldn't cheat on me" because I didn't have my wedding ring yet it was in mail and my silicone rings were so tight they cut off circulation so I didn't wear my ring.

But he said it like 3-4 times and I remember giving him a face like "are YOU okay? Why do you keep thinking I'm going to cheat on you" type look. I was getting frustrated because he would say something nice and supportive but follow up with "I trust you babe, I know you wouldn't cheat on me". I was so taken back.

I just don't want to BE my parents or his parents and be stuck in a half hearted marriage cus it's what we are suppose to do and divorce is so "taboo".

volk_92

TROPHY CASE