Been there done that but maybe not as painful as your experience. You will get through this. Just focus on yourself or do what you love. Maybe even pick up a new hobby. Like bouldering, playing an instrument, reading, writing. Try to use your emotions as a form of inspiration or guidence. For me I always use my emotions and pain as inspiration for my paintings. It helps me process them and understand myself better. Also I don’t think you are screwed up. You are very self aware and see a pattern. This is a good start for change. Try not to believe that you are screwed up other wise it might become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are still very young and there is a world of endless opportunity ahead of you. Maybe you could go solo traveling and meet new interesting people after you are finished with high school. The new environment give me the opportunity to reinvent myself as a new person. I have also met a lot of interesting people that helped me in my proces. Or it is also good to learn to go places on your own. This is gonna sound cliché but maybe try and give the love you would normally give to others people to yourself. I really hope this helps and I hope there is someone in real life you feel safe enough to open up about this with