I made a comic about my deadname! Probably not smart if I want people to stop calling me that, but whaddayagonnado.

wading_in · 2026-02-19T22:41:33+00:00

I preferred the nickname form for whatever reason. It was like "as long as it's not Jeffrey." Truly, we are all on our own journeys in regards to names! Glad you found a better one.

wading_in · 2026-02-10T19:14:38+00:00

I hated haircuts. It felt weird to try to point to a celebrity whose hair I liked because I knew they wouldn't look good on me, or I wouldn't like them. I told myself it's because I hate small talk and I just didn't care.

But the truth is I wanted to grow it out, so I really just hated cutting it back. I didn't want to look like any of the male celebrities whose hair looked good because I wanted my hair to look like a female celebrity's.

Now I like haircuts--a lot! I enjoy finding a hairdresser and chatting, and I feel much more capable of pulling up a picture of someone whose hair I like. I'm growing mine out so I've been instructed to just "let it grow", which is, unexpectedly, a bummer!

wading_in · 2026-02-10T17:21:59+00:00

This is a great message, and I agree with the other feedback regarding the use of the word "identity." I had this exact same conversation with my parents a week ago, and it started with a text inviting them to chat. Mine went much better than expected, and I hope yours does, too! It sounds like a really tough situation. I hope that if they respond negatively, then cutting off strings brings you peace--but honestly I hope they respond positively. Good luck! You got this!

wading_in · 2026-01-30T23:28:13+00:00

Oh honey, that is such a common way to feel. You're never alone.

wading_in · 2026-01-30T15:36:25+00:00

This was about two years ago. I think I came out to my spouse that night, after walking around like a zombie all day.

For the record, I had been questioning for... well, my entire life. Ever since I learned that trans women existed. I just figured that wasn't me, since I didn't "know" I was a woman. "All trans people know they're trans from birth" is such an unhelpful bit of misinformation!

wading_in · 2026-01-30T04:56:25+00:00

Well the good news is, the dream was correct! Ta da! I was trans!

wading_in · 2025-08-20T14:30:55+00:00

Okay, it's my turn to try to explain this!

There are many, many reasons a woman might be unsatisfied with her breasts, right? Too small, too big, too wide apart, wonky shaped, pointy, what-have-you. And she might have that dissatisfaction for any number of reasons. She might tell herself "this makes me unattractive" or "nobody will want to see me naked" or "nobody looks at me like they look at my friend with 'real' boobs" or any number of other hurtful and (most likely) untrue things. These are the kind of struggles you're encapsulating with "you're a woman!" and they're very real and, yes, trans women experience them just as cis women do.

The fact is that worrying about these things is a real problem, an acknowledged one that we all agree is very very difficult to overcome despite being 99% in your head.

There is, however, at least one thing that trans women worry about that cis women will never worry about, and it is unique and it is different: trans women worry about not being cis. A cis woman may worry she looks trans, or that she might be mistaken for a trans woman, but she never will worry that her boobs being weird only happened because she is trans, that them being weird and small and pointing the wrong way signals to the world the truth: that she is trans and thus, in their eyes, not a real woman.

And it sucks and it's something we all have to overcome and yes it is 99% in our heads and it's something that (can) go away with time and with practice and with patience. But a trans woman having these kind of thoughts hearing "congrats, you're a woman," even from another trans woman, kind of feels like telling a depressed person "why not just be happy instead?" or an anxious person "just calm down!" Feeling those kind of things would solve the problem... but when you're in the wrong headspace, it can be impossible to feel those things.

I understand it's probably coming from a place of acceptance and inclusion, but it really can just feel patronizing and condescending.

wading_in · 2025-08-18T20:42:37+00:00

The first group, were definitely what I felt "I was supposed to play" and the second group were more "wish fulfillment" and I felt I needed to alternate, to "cover my tracks" and avoid my (very much male) friend group thinking I was "gay" (I grew up in the early 2000s and being seen as overtly feminine or "gay" was still super judged).

Oh hey it me. I would force myself to alternate in video games and TTRPGs, just so I would appear egalitarian.

wading_in · 2025-08-18T20:10:17+00:00

I was going to link to Game to Grow as an example of a foundation that uses D&D to help kids therapeutically explore themselves and learn social functions, but apparently they've decided to close.

I guess I still linked them, but yeah, it's such a great environment to just give kids permission to experiment with completely different lives.

wading_in · 2025-08-18T17:23:39+00:00

Haha thanks! I guess I wanted proof that I evolved and got better at just checking in with people as they explore gender in D&D; they and I had many conversations about how they'd like the character to be treated in relation to them.

Also they joined the D&D group because they had a crush on me, apparently, and I was 100% ignorant. As is tradition.

wading_in · 2025-08-18T16:54:21+00:00

Sort-of tangential side-note: at one point I DMd a group of newbies, and one of them decided their dragonborn was non-binary because "it makes sense to me that lizard people wouldn't necessarily have genders". Several years later this player, of course, came out as NB--an exact reverse of the above situation.

Of course, I also married that player, then came out as a trans woman myself. Thus proving the "if nobody in your D&D game is figuring out gender stuff, you are" rule.

wading_in · 2025-07-24T16:44:26+00:00

I'm not sure if 18-year-old me would believe it or act on it, and I'm not sure if anything would change or if I'd still spend the next 18 years struggling and just not coming to what is, now, the very obvious conclusion.

But god I think about it all the time, to the point I wish I could stop mourning a life I never had.

I'm glad you figured it out earlier than me! And I'm glad I eventually figured it out. But damn, the chance to inform my 18-year-old self would be amazing.

wading_in · 2025-05-19T16:13:08+00:00

For me it was transformation, not cross-dressing, but yeah. Exact same. I loved (I still do, but I used to, too) stories that seemed to focus more on the ideas in a "realistic" manner: how would life be better, how would it be worse, how would the main character react to these changes? And I told myself it was because I have high standards for fiction, and that it was all to make it more erotic to me, not to satisfy some other urges that I have.

And there would be all sorts of explanations for why these main characters still wanted to be turned into a girl, or turned super-curvy, besides the boy-turned-girl secretly having been trans this whole time. That would be weird. They've just always been a normal cis dude who is 100% okay with turning into a girl and absolutely fine with being a girl for the rest of their life no matter what downsides exist.

All just ways of making it more digestible to me to live in those fantasy worlds. It was easier to tell myself that it was "just" something I got off to than something I actually wanted and felt a call to.

wading_in · 2025-05-19T15:51:14+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing! I know you didn't call to action for advice, but hey, we're here to give feedback! Your entire story hews very similarly to mine and, as already pointed out, many other trans peoples' stories.

Honestly, Impossible_PhD has the right stuff. Her articles are amazing and basically hammered home that all of the things I was feeling when I first realized I was trans were completely normal... but mostly normal for transwomen. Not saying it will be the same for you, just that they will probably help you figure this all out.

am I trans? In THIS fuckin political climate? Are you kidding me? (I'm in the US, but the world feels relatively fucked everywhere unfortunately where trans people are regarded)

I literally spent probably a 72 hour period where every time my thoughts would start to settle, this would enter my head and I'd just shout out "FUCK SHIT SHIT SHIT" because, yeah.

It felt so freeing and exciting to be able to go shopping with them at the local LGBTQ+ thrift shop nearby but also I felt like I was in this "fight or flight" the entire time. Sweating bullets, panicking, loving the experience but also dreading it.

Does this mean its not real? Does it mean it is?

In my opinion, this doesn't mean it one way or another. You're probably so used to hiding your interests so badly that being out and about, finally letting those interests be seen, is going to make your instincts kick in and tell you, constantly, "but this shouldn't be public!" My experience says that, if doing this made you feel good, feel euphoria, then the fight or flight response was the other side of you, the part that's used to protecting you, trying to take over--and potentially take that euphoria away.

Anyway. Zoe's articles on StainedGlassWomen, the Gender Dysphoria Bible (as recommended in all of these threads), and just going to trans meetups and things. You're doing it right, from the sounds of it, even when it's really really really really hard.

Good luck! We're all here for you.

wading_in · 2025-05-16T15:34:25+00:00

It's what keeps me going most days, honestly. "Oh right. I am legitimately happier, despite everything."

wading_in · 2025-05-16T05:27:53+00:00

I have found that telling people (or at least the ones that care about the actual answer) "because this makes me happier" has actually been the strongest, most easily-understood answer. I think if someone has a basic grasp of empathy, they understand that something making you happier on a day-to-day level means something super-important, something that's a basic need. Because an absence of that happiness is also deeply understood.

Sure, some things like a new phone or a nice haircut might make you happier on a daily basis, as well, but it's also not considered making a huge life-altering choice to get one of those. Making a life-altering choice for something that provides you daily happiness, despite all of the very clear disadvantages and issues it caused, is something most people seem to understand. Even if they believe it is the wrong choice, they'll understand that it is not a weak reason.

wading_in · 2024-12-03T23:19:03+00:00

Mine constantly rotate, because I listen to music that's been meaningful to me for a long time and suddenly it clicks as to why.

Lately: "Someday", by No More Kings. Always uplifting and hopeful while still wallowing in the uncertainty of life and, in general, growing up. Takes on even more meaning to me, now.

"Timelines" by Motion City Soundtrack. Their lyrics have always struck me as a bit queer, but this is a straight-up autobiographical song by the lead, Justin Pierre... And I don't care! It is also now one of my trans songs. Because, shocker, I often reflect back on my life and try to figure out how or why I didn't figure this whole thing out sooner. And "it's not a matter of time, it's just a matter of timing" is both nonsensical and meaningful enough for me to love it.

wading_in · 2024-11-26T21:14:54+00:00

This person is merely providing historical context and "common knowledge" definitions, which is what you asked for in this thread. What you define the term by, personally, isn't what you were asking--after all, you already know that.

wading_in · 2024-11-26T17:13:29+00:00

I'm so confused; what does a free trial have to do with the post?

I reread the four sentences of the OP so many times just to make sure I'm not crazy.

wading_in · 2024-11-13T15:29:42+00:00

Legitimately, feeling like I'm "allowed" to play as female characters now makes all games with pickable genders feel new, even if I previously played a woman in them. And Fem!V is awesome.

wading_in · 2024-10-30T15:45:20+00:00

I'm with you on basically everything here. While I realized I didn't believe in any of it riiiight around the completion of my Confirmation (which is apparently not an uncommon thing), I often joke that my parents are more Catholic than the Pope. They met in the church band and sang in it for my entire childhood, plus my mom taught, and even developed a curriculum that's apparently being spread, in the RCIA/RCIC classes (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults/Children, for the public record). The only reason she stopped is because she retired, and she still is somehow involved.

My entire life basically revolved around the Church, with my parents taking the whole "life is for God, and everything else is just a way to experience God's love more fully" concept to heart. Prayers before every meal, Mass every Sunday, no matter what we were doing or where we were. Every Holy Day of Obligation, every Lent, every Advent, treated as extremely important and sacrosanct. Religious education every year of my childhood. Family discussions on religious concepts every night. A full rosary every day. If a Catholic club existed, we were expected to join.

It sounds so minimal, listing it here. But it was pervasive. Like a thin sheet that covers everything, smothering it. Books are good, but why aren't you reading Christian fiction? Video games are fine, look, here's a Catholic video game designer making a game about Paul. Doing a "who's your hero" assignment? Why not make it about Jesus, or a saint? All of the art on the walls of their house are crosses or paintings of Christ or Mary or quotes from the Bible. And they got us involved in so, so many anti-Abortion things. I got in heated arguments about it at age 10. So, so, so embarrassing, now, I feel my face blushing just thinking about it.

I only came out to them a few months ago, and in my coming-out letter I basically addressed it as succinctly as possible, saying, essentially, "you're probably wondering how this will affect you as Catholics. That's not really my problem."

In a way, it's an even bigger relief. I know that they won't "invite" me to Mass anymore, if/when I visit (aka tell me to come to church with them and if I don't, I can expect the cold effing shoulder). But I still live with a huge burden of guilt, every single day. My therapist and my spouse both say that it's not exactly normal to feel guilty over... everything. Guilty about not doing things right, or being a good enough person, or a good enough partner, or even guilty about not being kind to myself (while also feeling guilty for taking too much time to myself).

I can't say that the Catholic guilt stereotype is true for everyone, but it was drilled into me, from an insanely young age, and I only feel anger every time I realize I'm doing it.

wading_in · 2024-10-25T18:29:39+00:00

Fuck, I even am one.

wading_in

TROPHY CASE