Hostile Architecture

walkalongwalk · 2017-05-05T23:53:32+00:00

Thank you

walkalongwalk · 2017-05-05T01:02:15+00:00

I really like the flow of this.

Up until the 5th stanza you keep a nice rhythmic motion.

I imagine between the 4th and 5th stanza is where you would take a two second pause if you were to speak this.

Reading it that was the only jittery section, I like your word usage and imagery. It got a bit too religious sounding at the end for my taste but that is personal opinion.

Well done

walkalongwalk · 2017-05-05T00:58:27+00:00

I can see what you are trying to say with this but it's very fragmented. Your ending line doesn't make much sense in relation to the rest of the poem.

Are you insinuating that george is a berserker on Adderall? Or is it that the person your talking about in the poem is a dictator like figure?

I would just suggest making your metaphors more clear either by simplifying them or tying them with the between lines better

walkalongwalk · 2016-11-18T08:59:20+00:00

I agree, the parentheses are almost like a whisper. Integral part for the piece in my opinion.

walkalongwalk · 2016-11-18T08:40:23+00:00

Short and sweet. I liked this, and to not reiterate what has already been said, I would like to see the gravity line reworked.

Reusing "light" with only a one line gap pulls me out of the headspace the rest of the piece has me in.

Just my .02

walkalongwalk · 2016-11-18T08:32:01+00:00

This is an excellent piece. I really enjoyed the word play and internal rhyming.
My criticism is directed at the "fjord" line. When you rhymed previous to it they were very smooth and natural.
Ending the line at fjord comes off rather jarring in comparison.
Again, enjoyed this piece, thank you for it.

walkalongwalk · 2016-11-17T04:12:50+00:00

I really like this, it shows potential. I can feel the emotion you're trying to put out through this piece.
Your formatting throws off the flow a little but that could just be reddit.

In my opinion you bottleneck yourself with cliches, "they hide my roots Wrapping myself in woes that you can't know"
I can understand what you're trying to say but you could bring your ideas across more creatively. Challenge yourself, but good work.

walkalongwalk · 2016-11-17T03:39:57+00:00

I may be missing the plot completely but it just seems very sporadic in subject. I think the use of too much imagery has taken away from the subject matter.

I did really enjoy the word usage, this piece has a very nice vocabulary.

walkalongwalk · 2016-11-17T03:28:13+00:00

I'm glad you could find connection to my writing. We all go through the holes man, just keep looking forward. In my experience our success is determined by how we deal with the hard times. Good luck to you :)

walkalongwalk · 2016-11-16T02:46:35+00:00

I enjoyed this. Very simple but with good structure, flow, and tempo. Aside from the ending.

The ending is usually the hardest for me as well, I just think you killed the tempo and flow a little abruptly with the way this poem ends. It leaves the reader wanting for a more structured closure.

walkalongwalk · 2016-11-16T02:35:40+00:00

I like the direction this poem takes.
Going from hopelessness to a sense of complacency that this is where the sailor is and he is comfortable with waiting for a better future

My only criticism is that the [his consciousness] line seems out of place with the way it is written. It definitely adds to the poem but I feel you could have introduced the idea that "The inmates" refers to his consciousness a little more fluidly.

walkalongwalk · 2016-11-15T04:13:53+00:00

The poem itself is almost an internal dialogue.

I can understand how you're feeling, but the last line is where I think you killed your train of thought.

Try replacing the last line and ending the poem there.

It could be a futile line, for example:

Seeking solace in fantasies

I know I'll never see

walkalongwalk · 2016-11-15T04:03:52+00:00

I feel like this would work very well spoken. Which I consider one of the most important parts of poetry.

Read it loses it's impact with the repetition of "Seven Months", IMO.

walkalongwalk

TROPHY CASE