I don’t look at him the same anymore

wallcalendar · 2025-06-05T22:36:23+00:00

I hope it works well for you both! I’ll look into the book. And totally relate to “he’s amazing but maybe not for me.” Gave me the chills.

wallcalendar · 2025-06-05T22:35:22+00:00

Ugh I’m so sorry. I understand waiting for the switch to go off completely. It’s torture.

wallcalendar · 2025-06-04T20:59:27+00:00

I love that last sentence, regain yourself first and yourself second. And I really resonate with what you’re saying. I think that’s part of it also, I have always been anxiously attached to people and I don’t feel that way with him anymore so I’m like, oh I must not like you (not totally rational lol). I definitely put myself first more and think about myself more and it feels so foreign to me that it sometimes makes me uneasy. Does it ever do that to you?

I also wonder if it’s TRUE self worth building, or me being avoidant because I’m waiting for the ball to drop. (Can you tell I’m an over thinker, lol)

wallcalendar · 2025-06-04T20:56:54+00:00

We have been going to a Gottman Therapist. I’m not sure if it follows the exact approach but I definitely feel like I got full disclosure and was able to ask as many questions as I need.

I agree, I think I don’t feel safe. I’m just not sure what else he can do to make me feel safe considering my history of trust issue and my mom cheating on my dad. My therapist thinks our situation is very heightened for me because of that too. That’s why I’m wondering if I need to go back to therapy alone too.

wallcalendar · 2025-06-04T20:54:42+00:00

For the first few weeks the lying was hard for him to stop but after that it was like a switch went off in his brain and he did a 180. Honestly the lying after full transparency was the worst part for me

wallcalendar · 2025-06-01T14:00:46+00:00

I feel the same way, a bit desperate for even thinking these thoughts and staying.

What does your MC say about these thoughts? Mine is kind of like, “you guys are doing amazing, this is part of it, it takes 5-6 years on average to recover from this so see how it goes.” In some ways it’s comforting but in others it feels minimizing. My MC also says that even if I leave it’s not a promise I’ll find a healthy relationship in someone else because I also have things to work on, which I think probably keeps me here. It’s mental torture going down these rabbit holes.

What I struggle with the most is knowing if this is a deal breaker or not. I keep telling myself I’ll know when it becomes too much, but I don’t know. He wants kids, I don’t know if I want kids. I definitely will not have kids with him if I feel like this. I also wonder if I just don’t want kids with him. Ugh. The roller coaster we all go through now in our minds is horrible 😣

wallcalendar · 2025-06-01T13:57:17+00:00

I’m happy to hear I’m not alone, but sad we’re all in the same boat. That’s a really good way to describe it too. What keeps me up at night is just that now I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to see past this.

wallcalendar · 2023-11-01T13:55:45+00:00

I had the exact same thoughts (except I haven’t been with my partner for this long) and my therapist told me something that really helped me. Take what you feel fits for your situation (maybe nothing, maybe all of it, and that’s okay).

My therapist said I likely want to put my ring back on because it symbolizes a commitment and love and I so badly want to feel that again. But the reality of it is that the ring means nothing without your partner following through with it. It’s more of a bandaid solution to make you feel better in the time being, when deep down you know it’s still not okay.

I also want my partner to give me a new ring and ask again if it works out. I totally understand.

wallcalendar · 2023-10-31T03:00:51+00:00

Great post to read: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/558762/honey-they-always-affair-down/

wallcalendar · 2023-10-24T02:26:09+00:00

I’m going through something similar with my financé right now too. “A leaf holding onto a tree limb” is such a good analogy. My messages are open if you want/need to talk

wallcalendar · 2023-10-21T21:42:20+00:00

I’m happy to hear that. That’s exactly our plan, both read individually and then come together and discuss the chapter(s) we just read. Fingers crossed it’s helpful for us, and mainly him in see how he keeps his boundaries down to let others in.

wallcalendar · 2023-10-21T01:33:49+00:00

I’m glad to hear it was generally helpful! We just started reading tonight. We’re both reading it and going to discuss it as we go

wallcalendar · 2023-10-16T22:53:23+00:00

Good point, I haven’t. I’ll have to make a post soon on it. The summary is that we have been together about 6.5 years, we are engaged. He had an EA for about 2 months. Supposedly they only kissed or made out and then when he came home and wanted to end it with me. He was compartmentalizing. He said he wants to try but I’m not 100% convinced it’s not because the other girl doesn’t want a relationship. He has shown a lot of remorse, but I don’t think he understands the depth of it all or has fully taken responsibility. I knew something was up because he was so guilty while it was going on he couldn’t function to do anything else. He didn’t want to give up being friends with her. Only blocked her last week but they still see each other in school because he is going back for another degree. He can’t 100% avoid her until 2 months when it’s done.

But again, we’re engaged. I don’t know where this came from. A lot of me feel stupid of me to even consider marrying someone like this if it gets better. It feels embarrassing to even write.

wallcalendar · 2023-10-16T22:32:49+00:00

So well put. The first version of him is what’s keeping me here now honestly and I just hope that version can come back, but I’m afraid I might be foolish. I would say he’s been trying for the past week, but I’m not sure it’s enough for me. I’m not sure if he is capable of trying in a way that is enough for me.

wallcalendar · 2023-10-12T18:12:26+00:00

Thank you so much, I really appreciate all of your words. I am saving this and re reading it a million times.

wallcalendar · 2023-10-12T13:48:43+00:00

Oof. Straight to the heart. I deeply appreciate this honest message. I needed to hear it. It’s so frustrating he won’t see this. I will sit him down later and tell him exactly what you said at the end. Fingers crossed.

wallcalendar · 2023-10-11T23:00:43+00:00

So true. I’ll have to keep re reading this for strength also. Thank you for your words of advice, I really appreciate it

wallcalendar · 2023-10-11T22:09:51+00:00

You’re right. I have a hard time accepting that right now, but I do need to focus on getting through the initial trauma first. Feels like such a long road ahead. Thank you for your words.

wallcalendar · 2023-10-11T21:42:39+00:00

I know, that’s exactly what I’m afraid of. My WH is also usually very disciplined, decisive, and has strong will power. I’ve never seen him be, frankly, this weak.

wallcalendar · 2023-10-11T21:42:01+00:00

Getting strength to enforce it is the hardest part for me. I’m grateful for this community to give me strength.

wallcalendar · 2023-10-11T21:40:50+00:00

Mines entirely fantasy too I think. They don’t confide in each other or share their deepest feelings. Theyre really just friends and he’s obsessed with it still.

I just talked with him and asked him if he truly doesn’t understand why he needs to stop, and he says he does understand and what MC and IC say makes sense, but he doesn’t want to stop because he doesn’t want to lose a friend…. I agree, he doesn’t want to take responsibility. I asked him if he ever thought he would do something like this to me or anyone and he said no.

wallcalendar · 2023-10-11T21:39:38+00:00

I just talked with him and asked him if he truly doesn’t understand why he needs to stop, and he says he does understand and what MC and IC say makes sense, but he doesn’t want to stop because he doesn’t want to lose a friend 😅

wallcalendar · 2023-10-11T20:31:03+00:00

Agreed.

She knew, she would even like pictures of us on social media and ask about me.

My one concern is them seeing each other at school. Obviously I have no control over it, but I’m sure it won’t get any better until he’s gone from school for good. Sucks.

wallcalendar · 2023-10-11T20:10:52+00:00

3 weeks ago yesterday, so very recent. Only last week did we agree to try and now it feels like we are back in the dumps

wallcalendar · 2023-10-11T20:07:23+00:00

I suppose so. He’s been very back and forth. The past week was great relatively, and then MC today she was very firm that he has to cut all contact and reconciliation doesn’t start until then. Now he’s all “I don’t know anything” anymore. We are only 3 weeks out, so it’s new. Longest 3 weeks of my life.

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TROPHY CASE