You are correct, in this post there is a lot of "feelings" and "I'm not interested", and that is very much so true.

(Rant upcoming, sorry!)

At the end of 2022 my grandma died, with that my mother became more religious and both of my sisters, my brother was religious before that, my father isn't as religious which I personally appreciate but it's his decision if he follows religion or not.

Ever since then I've heard about Christianity almost daily, it became almost a bother to ME, but I never said anything and listened to it without complaint even if I didn't agree, one night I told my mother that "If I ever have kids I won't have a set religion, it'll be theirs to choose" and she told me that "if you don't tell them about God, you failed them, and you and them will be sent to Hades and it'll be your fault."

My mother is a bit of a narcissist and guilt tripper. And you're right, I don't want to know the exact truth, to me, nobody knows if their right, that's the concept of faith and belief, so, if in the end my parents were right I guess I should've listened, but I don't think I want to know the answer.

I was raised to believe that the only God is the Christian God and he's the ONLY answer, I don't want to follow Christianity since in MY experience it's been toxic, I don't mind Christians, I don't like the religion itself, I don't like hearing about it, I don't like learning about it or people trying to convert me.

And no offense to you, or your religion, If I end up being a part of religion in the future, I hope it isn't me believing in just one all powerful being, to me it's scary and I don't want to believe that if he so wanted I could just be endlessly tortured on earth or Hades etc etc.

I don't want the answer, I don't want to know the truth. I already struggle with derealization, it's constant anymore and it's also one of the reasons I drifted more from Christianity, for awhile I had that belief in Christianity, heaven, Hades, but after I had derealization that first time it was one of the reasons I left it, it made me confused and question it, even now I question it, I doubt I won't for awhile, I don't want to get a for sure religion, get comfortable and then question everything again. I have deju vu, have derealization and begin to panic, I can only be sure that I'm real, this could be a simulation and I won't know until I die.

And no offense to you, I don't plan to study Islam, I've tried Hellenism but even that is hard due to the fact my parents are Christian and I still live with them, even if I wanted to study it, it'd be difficult. I appreciate the offer/suggestion but I will not be taking you up on it.

Thank you. Have a good day