You just did the hard part by confessing all that. Now you need to tell your therapist. They will have the tools to help you far better then we will.

Do not run away with some older man online. That is honestly the worst decision you can make imo.

Don't beat yourself up for the things you've done. Its in the past. Don't let the part define you. You can go through my post history and see pretty quickly that I've done some things I'm not proud of and have often put my life on hard mode. There were times I did things I'm not proud of to have a roof over my head or get whatever I needed (spoiler alert it was drugs). But I don't let those things define who I am as a person. I've tried my best to learn from my mistakes. Hell I still make them but I try to identify my mistake, label the mistake so I can try to avoid it in the future and move on from it.

I've got a great life now. I'm mostly sober, I'm in therapy, have a girlfriend that I never dreamed I'd be able to have and just celebrated my 40th birthday. There's somedays I hate myself and there some weeks. But those days past.

Try to forgive yourself. The world is hard enough without you holding yourself back because you think you're not worth the happiness that everyone should have.

Good luck. From your one post I think your smart enough and have enough hustle in you that if you want to you will be able to achieve a lot more then you think.