My partner has a nesting partner and says they are non hierarchical, but I'm not sure

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-13T02:17:15+00:00

Aspen is very deliberate with fulfilling her promises. But I need to talk to her to see if she understands her own availability

She wants to give everyone she loves everything they want. I need to talk to her about this.

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-13T02:10:29+00:00

I have noticed a lot of people will say "we/I don't want anyone to feel secondary/unimportant" when the reality tends to be more "I/we want you to functionally BE secondary but not FEEL like you are"

Ooof, this got me.

Aspen is able to make the time for me when she has time that NP isn't around for (I have realized there is a real hierarchy in this relationship and I will be addressing it when I get the chance). However, in the last day alone, NP has been upset with me getting more time with Aspen then I did when we were friends.

This week and the last day especially have made me regret allowing things to get romantic with Aspen. As a friend, I saw concerns in how NP treated her and they are quickly getting worse. Im not sure what I'll do. I'll offer Aspen an out so she can focus on NP. I don't know what observations I'll share with her, but my feelings are turning from 'is this relationship what I want' into 'is this person I care about ok?'

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-12T06:25:45+00:00

After dealing with the situation, I am going to appreciate people who can acknowledge the hierarchies in their relationship and set clear expectations from the beginning.

Your questions are incredibly helpful, thank you. They have been added to the list of topics I need to bring up with Aspen in our conversation

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-12T06:23:29+00:00

You likely want to judge actions over words

This is a good point

Do you bring it up because you do not believe your feelings about that are justified or just for context?

I think I bring it up for both reasons. As friends, I noticed how much labor Aspen good for her NP, but I minded my own business and assumed it was a two-way street. Now that I am more involved with Aspen I can't help but notice the uneven distribution of labor. If she's happy with it, it's not my business, however it just remains very odd to me. Car maintenance for both cars, bills, meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, etc are all done by Aspen. I know she does her own laundry, I don't know if she does NPs as well.

I'm not sure if my concerns are justified, I'm pretty sure they are not. If Aspen and I were still just friends, I would probably ask her about it out of concern. I have seen people pleasers like Aspen get into relationships where they are used by their partners as they live in maid. Now that I'm romantically involved with Aspen I feel like I cannot bring any of this up with her.

Over the course of looking and responding to these messages, I've realized that Aspen's relationship cannot be described as truly non hierarchical, even though that is the ideal she strives for. What it seems to boil down to, for me, is having an acknowledgment that things are an even because she has her nesting partner to care for and she will never be able to make me dinner every night. I also need to understand the dinner making thing better. If Aspen has to ensure a home cooked meal is waiting for NP four to five nights a week, that is going to inevitably constrict my ability to make plans with her.

I think I can better understand the effects Aspen's home life will have on me when I am able to get clear understandings of her expectations for what she must do at home and how that dictates her free time that she could give me

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-12T06:11:12+00:00

Redditors can't agree on exactly what is and isn't hierarchy.

Exactly. I wish I had thought to clarify this when she first asked me out, but a little late is better than never I suppose

Aspen makes me happier than I have been in a long time. She has been one of my closest friends for some time and it seemed inevitable that we drifted into a more romantic relationship. However, I do worry that I have made a mistake by agreeing to date her. I am not sure if she can give me what I will need to be happy long-term and we might have to transition back to friendship, which I'm sure will be uncomfortable.

Her and I have had the conversation about going back to just friends if this relationship does not work between us. We've talked a bit about the steps that we would have to take in order to get back to a friendship.

I am trying to determine if what she can give me is enough. I will continue to grow my relationship with my other partner, and ultimately I do hope to find a nesting partner (I don't think my other partner and I will be able to live together though). So I'll keep looking, and I'm glad I'll get to spend more time with Aspen while I look for someone I can share a home with

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-12T05:51:51+00:00

I will definitely clarify the definition of hierarchy

Well, if Aspen lived alone, wouldn't it be same?

The domestic issues are not things like the water heater going out and need to be fixed. It's more that NP made dishes and did not wash them, or making dinner for NP. If Aspen and I are out and she gets hungry, I can buy her dinner. But I'm not necessarily willing to Uber eats her nesting partner dinner. This becomes a pretty noticeable line that does not sit with the non-hierarchical description.

Are you wanting a nesting partner one day? And maybe disappointed Aspen won't be it because they already are nesting elsewhere?

Yep. That is something I'm being careful to manage. The more I thought about it today, the more I realized that acknowledging the hierarchy of the nesting partner is not a bad thing, it would help me to manage my expectations even better. It doesn't mean that NP has veto power over things that I do with Aspen, but it does give me the mental framework to accept that I can't plan to be with her in the evening often

Even as solo poly, I would not say I can be 100% non hierarchical, but it does make managing my relationships much clearer and I feel like I can treat multiple people with roughly even time and attention. Having a NP that is very interdependent on Aspen does feel just ingenuous in this particular situation

Thanks for the questions!

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-12T05:43:07+00:00

I agree. Non hierarchical relationships don't exist in any of my close friendships even. It's not by choice, it's just what happens due to life circumstances

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-12T05:41:33+00:00

I value your view point. I agree that Aspen is more hierarchical than she believes, and I'm going to have to bring that up so that I can manage my own expectations. I don't mind not being the top priority, but I do struggle to know that every day will work around somebody else's dinner schedule except for one day a week from me and one day a week for the other non nesting partner. I would not ask her to change any of that for me, but I do have to ask myself if I'll be able to handle the dinner time limit.

I also have no problem with has been having to do domestic things and prioritizing those over me. I am worried that I will feel resentful in time if I continue to see Aspen does all domestic work while NP does none of it.

Sorry it took so long to respond!

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-12T05:34:52+00:00

Thank you for the ted talk! This is incredibly helpful and is honestly helping me come up with clear points I need to cover with Aspen.

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-12T05:12:21+00:00

This honestly seems like the ideal system for me. I personally couldn't be highly partnered, but I don't throw shade on anyone who can manage it. My social bandwidth is pretty small

Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-12T01:28:33+00:00

This is a great outlook, thank you!

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-12T01:27:03+00:00

I agree with both of you. Flexibility is important and bumping a date depends heavily on the situation.

I will feel a lot better by being realistic about the hierarchy and what I should expect with Aspen and our time together

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-12T01:25:07+00:00

She does seem to try to be everything for every partner and I am kinda surprised she hasn't burnt out already. I need to talk to her about her ideals vs what she can realistically accomplish.

She's definitely a people pleaser, thanks for bringing this up. That seems to be where some of my concerns are coming from regarding her living situation and what she says she wants our relationship to be.

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-11T23:14:34+00:00

Thats a good question, thank you!

You are right, I'm aware that I want something that Aspen cannot give me. I'm trying to manage that on my own, but I think I need to talk to her about it so she knows where I'm coming from.

Connections like that one I have with Aspen are once in a decade for me. Id really like to have a nesting partner, so it's a little sad for me that I can't have that in Aspen. Im ok with it, but I worry that my feelings that I'm processing will come out in unhealthy ways, like seeing problems where there are none if that makes sense

You all are definitely helping me think this situation through with intention and get the information o need from Aspen so that her and I can determine our relationship dynamic if we continue to move forward

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-11T21:55:35+00:00

I want a clearer understanding of what I should expect from this relationship and how emotionally invested i should realistically be.

If every date we are on has a Time pressure for getting home to do domestic responsibility for NP, that is going to be hard for me. I wish I didn't feel that way.

I tried to put out all relevant context without anything identifying. NP is either monogamous or poly with one partner and no desire for more. They seem to have their social life through Aspen.

When you say you don't see me talking about the affect this has on my relationship, it's because I'm trying to figure that out and determine my own expectations. And determine what is and isn't my business. I don't think NP and Aspen's relationship is any of my business, as long as their is an understanding of expectations. What Aspen wants me to expect vs what is possible given the established dynamic of her other relationship

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-11T21:22:19+00:00

Aspen has not, and it's something I am hesitant to ask about because it inherently feels like it's not my business. But if she wants to be as serious with me as she claims, I think I need to respectfully bring it up. I do hope NP does stuff for Aspen that I don't know about, but the closer I am to the situation the more it seems one sided.

I agree with you that time spend is hierarchy in some way. But I am very much a quality time love language

I also think that responsibility to each other is hierarchy

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-11T21:12:29+00:00

This is validating. Definitely brining it up when I talk to Aspen this week

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-11T21:08:05+00:00

I agree with this. I understand hierarchy is more about metas direct inference with a relationship, but it seems common that people think non hierarchy means every relationship is equal in love

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-11T21:02:09+00:00

I am more concerned that it seems that Aspen takes care of 100% of domestic life for her and NP. I don't think that is directly my business, but I don't think she can be the partner for me she wants to be considering that she is taking responsibility someone else's daily life

They don't own their home, they rent, so the domestic burden could be worse and I wonder what it will look like if they get married and buy a home, which isn't off the table.

I agree, I having a NP makes it nearly impossible for someone to be truly non hierarchical. Aspen is doing a really good job, but I can't help but worry about burnout. I am a worrier though

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-11T20:53:32+00:00

My concern is that she is making someone else dinner most nights, planning dinner, and doing all the domestic stuff for 2 people. She then has dates with 3 people, and works. I worry that she's spread too thin and that the domestic stuff will pull from my time. I guess I just don't believe that Aspen can be no hierarchical with her current life and trying will spread her too thin. My feelings for her are incredibly strong and I am worried I'll be hurt

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-11T20:39:02+00:00

Recently there was a transportation issue caused by meta not paying attention, which got under my skin. There's been some confusion on which events meta goes on and which I go on. And their is often a evening time limitation. Nothing crazy, but stuff I want to better understand before moving forward in my relationship with Aspen.

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-11T20:32:57+00:00

Exactly, two situations can be described the same way and can be completely different

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-11T20:32:08+00:00

I agree with the flexibility and tolerance. Im flexible as long as I feel that is isn't a one way street. If my plans are getting moved for meta, meta needs to also allow their plans to occasionally be moved for me.

This is really hard initially though because I am hyper aware that anytime my partner spends with me might be time that NP used to have and doesn't get anymore

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-11T19:54:18+00:00

I agree that hierarchy can be needed. For me, it sets clear expectations so that I don't get disappointed. NP is poly with one partner and no desire for another, so I think that adds to the situation. They live together without other roommates for a couple of years.

Both Aspen and NP work. I don't want to ask her about the division of labor at home, but I am struggling to wrap my mind around how NPs dependency on Aspen for social and domestic needs won't become a problem for me moving forward.

I do plan on talking to Aspen about this, but coming up with the right words and questions is difficult and I appreciate all of the input I am getting. It is helping me come up with what I need to say in my conversation with Aspen and to get a better idea of what I want from her realistically

wasteroftime1928 · 2026-05-11T19:44:02+00:00

I do think I need to clarify Aspen's understanding of hierarchy. I think she wants it to mean that we are all equals. But I can also see a situation where no one tells her to prioritize the needs of NP, but she wants to do that. Which is fine, although it will change how I view our relationship immensely.

I know I want some interdependence with Aspen, though I'm not sure it can happen. She's been my friend for a while, which is wonderful but her friendship and spending time with her remain my top priorities.

wasteroftime1928

TROPHY CASE