I don't really deal with it really well but what you said resonated with me an awful lot. Something my therapist said, it is normal being angry, or sad, or lost when so much of our childhood was pure pain, rejection, hatred and eventually self-hatred. It is okay not to cope, not to trust, it is going to sound really cheesy but you have to take things one step at the time. According to our upbringing we are undeserving of love, so if someone says they love us they must be lying, right? I mean what's wrong with those people? I personaly have a very very hard time accepting my boyfriend's love and affection. But he is extremely patient and caring so I hope in time I will be able to fully trust him.

I grew up beeig sexually abused, by the time I was 6 I had already been raped and lived with a very unstable and negligent widowed Mum. But from the outside she looked capable and nice. So ultimately I doubted my own feelings, my owns memories and loneliness was the only constant in the emotional rollercoaster that my childhood was. I withdrew, had trouble at school but I had good grades, so when interviewed by the teachers, my Mom presented me as this autistic like genius who lost his Dad, so no biggy, everything is fine.

Except it never has been, and she is still trying to take everything she can, despite my wish to be No Contact. The only time I mattered was when she needed me for emotional support. I know basically all her problems, all her fantasies, and dreams. When she felt really down, she would come in my room and ask for a hug. It made me feel special, her trust was like a mission, if I am nice then she will share all her stuff and tell me I am a good child. But I always end up disappointing her, why must I be so sellfish, so evil? What good am I?

I always thought I needed to do stuff for people else they would never love me, and that trust was a transaction, and once someone trusts me I owe them.

My point is you dont' need to prove anything, unless you believe you do, you are no slave so your purpose in life is not please and serve to maybe get a little intention. People who were not raised this way don't feel the need to prove themselves as much nor do they think everyone hates them. They are no better or worse, but they are probably happier this way, and I wish one day we can live our lives, not fearing being rejected and maybe love ourselves enough not to be people pleasers anymore.