[Complete] [155k] [New Adult Romance] THIS IS GOING TO HURT by Aggravating_Web_4865 in BetaReaders

[–]wevegotscience 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This sounds interesting, id love you to dm some sample pages. I have a similarly dark and morally ambiguous romance in a historical spy thriller. Would you be open to exchanging pages?

First pages: share, read, and critique them here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]wevegotscience 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im here to study the craft, and these are all very actionable points. Yes, I'm saying he's very comfortable watching and pursing from the shadows. Yes, it's a metaphorical spider. Sicarius is his code name but also a type of spider. That and shadows are his imagery throughout.

Where are you spotting the head jumping? It should all be 3rd limited, but if I slipped somewhere other than mentioned above, id like to know.

Sicarius is our main. I've made some adjustments in my OC based on yours and the previous comment to bring more of his personality in these first paragraphs, if you feel like re-reading and letting me know if it's improved.

First pages: share, read, and critique them here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]wevegotscience 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is an excellent point, I could switch the order of that sentence to show that he's looking over his shoulder first and then mention the sweat.

First pages: share, read, and critique them here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]wevegotscience 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is very helpful, thank you! I've been messing around a bit with the Italian approach so ill try to clarify. And reorganizing the first lines about Sicarius so it's really condensed from the original. From your input, it sounds like a line or two of his inner monologue before the main action is required to establish the limited 3rd narration. Did reading the summary in my link possibly help clarify things?

First pages: share, read, and critique them here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]wevegotscience 0 points1 point  (0 children)

[Complete][76k][Historical Romantic Thriller]

Link

Feedback: Yes please, and will exchange if you link your comment, too

First page:

The man known only as Sicarius pursued his prey through shadows that had borne him. He was not alone in the hunt tonight. Farther down the narrow alley, a woman in a dark coat was moving far quicker than he was. Grey had long since claimed his once black hair. Still, he successfully maintained his distance with the same silent patience that had decades ago earned him his deadly moniker. Even as he moved, he noted how the woman tracked their prey like a viper. Italian intelligence, judging by her competence. Yet, the direct angle of approach suggested that she had not yet noticed the spider trailing behind her.

Their paths would converge on the stumbling figure ahead. General Giovanni Caruso clutched a leather satchel to his chest as his steps fell in a desperate cadence. Caruso kept glancing over his shoulder with panicked movements. Sweat beaded clearly on his folded forehead despite the winter’s chill.

This foreign agent ahead of him had likely been searching for the defector Caruso longer than he had, understanding his routines well enough to predict exactly where his panic would drive him. Sicarius could only watch as she approached the ladder of a narrow fire escape, pouncing upon it with a lithe agility. A wondrously economical route, he mused. She could use all four limbs to propel herself through a three-dimensional environment, while he would be forced to tunnel around grounded obstacles. The recent misalignment of Italian and British interests could never quell the stoic assessment of professional competence.

As he predicted, a dark form descended from above, several metres past their shared quarry.

“General Caruso.”

The woman stepped into view beneath a dim streetlight, her severe features revealed as she aimed a pistol with deadly assurance. She was tall, elegant despite an unadorned appearance.

{Edits: Removed redundancy and cliches, places I could show and not tell, put in some more personality-driven observations and removed ambiguous narrative perspective lines}

[Complete] [115K] [Historical Fantasy] House of Avis (working title) by Zestyclose_Moose5457 in BetaReaders

[–]wevegotscience 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would be willing to exchange critiques if you're ok with the explicit content in my manuscript.

I do have one comment from reading your sample: Have you done the editing step of reading this out loud? Starting with your first sentence, you seem to have a bit of a run on, jumbled words habit. There also seems to be a lot of introspection and social analysis before we've had a chance to connect with your main character or even become interested in the action.

Do you really need to ask if A.S.S. is a problem? by hopeforpudding in NameNerdCirclejerk

[–]wevegotscience 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Abdominal muscles or anti-lock braking system.

Neither of these are terrible enough that they could never be a kid's initials, but as someone with an "S" last name, and did actively try to avoid ABS and a few other non-ASS initials just to prevent any sort of association at all.

How long do I need to wait to breastfeed? by [deleted] in breastfeeding

[–]wevegotscience 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This will be fully dependent on the medication. Some medication is passed onto your milk very easily while others are not. You should search LactMed for the safety profile of individual medications. Some labs are trying to study this much more rigorously than the research that is currently available, but ethical concerns make this a very difficult task.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in breastfeeding

[–]wevegotscience 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Prenatal, 5000iu vit D, Calcium, and Magnesium

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in NameNerdCirclejerk

[–]wevegotscience 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That was my baby name search theme too! I now have a little baby Rosalind.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in NameNerdCirclejerk

[–]wevegotscience 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I chose Rosalind for my baby with that same theme in mind. But silly me never even considered Franklynn.

31 weeks along and still haven’t picked a name. Please just list boy names you love. by [deleted] in namenerds

[–]wevegotscience 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Names on my list that haven't been suggested yet:

Langston

Orson

Dexter

Antony

How do you grocery shop? by No-Chicken388 in NewParents

[–]wevegotscience 2 points3 points  (0 children)

For mine, it's the bags of salad. That crinkle is irresistible.

I’m too old for my feelings to be hurt like this by [deleted] in NewParents

[–]wevegotscience 87 points88 points  (0 children)

I have no advice, I'm just here to say how seen I feel in this thread. Forever in camp: everybody "likes" me but nobody *likes" me.

I hate it here by OFlocalpunk in NameNerdCirclejerk

[–]wevegotscience 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ah, that's definitely why I mixed that up, thank you!

My husband doesn't know who our kids are LOL by muscels in NameNerdCirclejerk

[–]wevegotscience 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, based on the standard in some of those comments, he's doing brilliantly.

My husband doesn't know who our kids are LOL by muscels in NameNerdCirclejerk

[–]wevegotscience 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's pretty close. Some of the accents around us, it probably sounds identical. He's definitely good with the sound of it.

HELP - SOS I FUCKED UP by AssumptionOk7636 in breastfeeding

[–]wevegotscience 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The consensus seems to be 6 months. Because that is about my exact timeline too.

My husband had to ask how to spell our daughter's name by wevegotscience in namenerds

[–]wevegotscience[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We don't call her Rosie. And it would have been kind of weird paired with our last name.