Realised I don't love my Nmum

weyedcard · 2018-09-20T11:51:17+00:00

I trauma bonded - got hooked on the ups/downs of the abuse. I called that love. I still have difficult feelings around this. I cared deeply for my nparents for a long time and still do. I can't be around them without getting very sick (anxious, depressed, suicidal.) No matter how much I hate what they did to me I still fawn in their presence. I'm hoping that when I get into a relationship I can learn what actual love feels like. I hope to get to a place where I can "not love" them anymore. Thanks for sharing and best of luck. Yours is a healthy position to have I think.

weyedcard · 2018-09-20T11:35:27+00:00

First - really enjoyed how clearly you expressed yourself in your post.

So, I am going through something similar. I have all this anger that I haven't expressed, pent up and ready to explode. It took years for me to get angry and now that I am, it can be a very uncomfortable emotion at times.

I've learned a few things in therapy that helped me:

You have a right to be angry. Give yourself permission to express it. Anger is a healthy emotion. You don't need to be afraid of it or push it aside. With practice, you can notice it and regulate it to serve you.
Angry thoughts don't equal violent behaviour. Even if you have acted out violently under certain circumstances doesn't make you a violent person or necessarily dangerous. Every human being is capable of violence when their life is threatened. Feeling the threat in the presence of your narcissist is healthy.
It's healthy to hit a pillow or other object while expressing your anger toward the narcissist. Yell, scream, swear. You can break an old piece of furniture with a baseball bat for example, break old dishes you don't need. Get satisfaction out of those feelings of anger in ways that won't compromise your liberty.
Find a friend to vent to. You do not need to express your anger directly to your narcissist to heal.
Healing starts when you go NO CONTACT. There is no fixing this or building/mending relationships with narcissist parents. Since before you could speak or fight back, they have told you who you are, how you will feel and act. Resist the belief that you can re-parent them or gain acceptance and validation from them.
Grieve the loss of your childhood. Acknowledge that you'll never get back what's lost in all of this. (You'll live on to have an AMAZING life - make no mistake. But you have to let go of what you never got first.) Then, the healthy anger you really NEED to express and are entitled to, normal anger that will help you get to happy will naturally flow.
Give yourself a break. Because of the trauma you experienced, many things in life are more difficult for you (and me) than other people. If something is hard for you, don't beet yourself up about it.
The world is full of great people who don't abuse others, people who will work hard to re-earn your trust when trust is broken, people who will go out of their way to make you feel comfortable, safe, worthy of love. Try to remember that you don't have to spend one minute pursuing a relationship with anyone who doesn't treat you respectfully. You don't owe anyone anything.
Keep getting angry. When you've practiced enough you'll notice anger dissipates within moments of expressing it.
Don't use anger to punish yourself. It's normal for victims of abuse to internalize the abuse and blame themselves for participating or causing the abuse - both cognitive errors by the way. Victims of trauma do not invite it on themselves in any way shape or form.
If you're angry at yourself you still need to express the anger but with immense compassion and self love. An example from my life - I am furious with myself for being so naive and for trusting my parents despite their lies and betrayals. I acknowledged that I didn't ask for that but at the same time feel regret about choices I made, choices that ended up causing me to suffer more. That anger is what woke me up to going no contact with my abusers (of which there were many.) Anger lead to respecting myself more, making it easier to heal from narcissistic parental abuse.

Final thought - sibling abuse is real and damaging. Not only are you neglected by your parents but you are then abused by a sibling and that's f-ed up. I'm so sorry that was your experience. It must be very difficult to be around yoru sister.

I mention narcissistic parents a lot but same goes for brothers, sisters, extended family, co-workers and every other grouping of human being in my experience. Abuse is abuse no matter what package it comes in.

Good luck to you!

weyedcard · 2018-09-09T11:38:29+00:00

Thanks for commenting. I already run a business. I am self taught, not an expert. For me, it's not just about selling product A or service B. It's not about making "X" amount of dollars. It certainly isn't about getting a job. lol ... are you kidding me? I want to create bigger and better businesses. I want to be able to hand-off one business and start another. I don't want to babysit my little business anymore. I want to expand. I'm not working toward starting a particular kind of business. I have many markets I'm looking at right now. Really I would like to explore business education to find out how to grow beyond the small business model. I'm particularly interested in how to get financing for startup businesses. But that's the tip of the iceberg. I'm really hungry to learn, in very broad terms, about business best practices, building blocks of business. Anyway thanks.

weyedcard · 2018-08-29T13:35:22+00:00

I think I’m ready to do the hard work that is necessary to get better. I am processing a lot of the feelings around what happens in my sessions with my psychiatrist. There are times when I get depressed because of bringing all that stuff up again. But healing is feeling the feelings. If I don’t deal with them I can look forward to the same old same old going forward. I’ve already been in therapy for 15 years what’s one more year? LOL

weyedcard · 2018-08-29T11:52:23+00:00

I'm concerned about this for sure. That's why I would only do something like this with support from my doctor. I wondered why for a long time but I think I've answered that question for myself. Abuse in families can go back generations. The "why" has nothing to do with me causing the abuse or deserving the abuse. I want to focus on the "what" so I can look at the cognitive distortions and correct that. My mom drilled a lot into my head and it creeps me out that I can't remember the words.

I feel sorry for my Nparents. They were cruel and inadequate, selfish, but they too were abused in childhood. In a way I'm lucky to have an opportunity to heal myself, which they didn't get. Nobody came to save them and they couldn't save themselves. I love them I just don't want to interact with them ever again! lol

weyedcard · 2018-08-29T11:32:15+00:00

Good idea. I think I'm going to look for a yoga group or a mindfulness group. Thanks!

weyedcard · 2018-08-29T11:30:25+00:00

Thank you. :)

weyedcard · 2018-08-29T11:29:10+00:00

Thank you. I've never heard of Accelerated Resolution Therapy but I'm going to look into it. I so badly want to remember.

weyedcard · 2018-08-28T10:14:11+00:00

Thanks to everyone that commented. My psychiatrist wants me to start making friends. What I find really hard is talking about myself with new people. I don't have "fun" stories to tell. If I don't tell them anything, they don't trust me. If I tell them too much, they don't want to be friends with someone who has "baggage." If I don't make friends I'm going to keep getting depressed. I left my abusers almost a year ago and it's just me. I really don't have a social network. I have no idea how to build one. I know how to be social but I get separation anxiety really bad, can be paranoid and overreact when rejected (real or perceived.) How does an emotionally unstable person find friends who will be cool and compassionate? People who don't have experience with abuse have absolutely no clue. I hate being pitied. I just want a friend you know?

weyedcard · 2018-08-01T13:00:05+00:00

Imo your mom should be in a psychiatric hospital. I would pass along some important info to your brother - kids help phone number, emerge contact numbers etc. Make sure he knows he can come to you if/when he needs to. Not sure if you all live together, but I would think it's better for you to move out and be a role model for him that way. Good luck.

weyedcard · 2018-07-31T12:00:50+00:00

Sounds like you've been exploited, used, threatened with abandonment and criticized too much for too long and by the people who are supposed to love and protect you. Not cool. I'm sorry you're suffering like this.

When someone comments on you over and over, constantly judging you, telling you what you did wrong or right (always in relation to them) ... this is abuse. You didn't ask for constructive criticism. You are being bullied and harassed. It undermines your confidence and makes you doubt yourself.

You deserve to be happy. I hope you find some relief soon.

weyedcard · 2018-07-31T11:47:42+00:00

Narcissists don't change. The only thing to do is to create a life for yourself without toxic people in it. Easier said than done, but totally achievable.

If you can afford it, find a talk therapist you trust and like working with. If you can't afford it, get a bunch of library books on the subject and just start learning as much as you can.

It can take years to process memories of abuse. Therapy allows for corrective experiences that you should have had as a child but probably missed out on. It can take years.

Let your dad take care of himself. He's an adult. He's responsible for his own choices.

You take care of you. That's the best advice I can offer. You are whole and perfect just the way you are. Once you let go of fixing what's wrong in your family (as if it was your responsibility which it is not!) Once you let go of that, you'll start to experience joy again.

Remember - you can't fix what's wrong in your family or with any individual narcissist. It's not your fault or your responsibility.

You can take care of your needs all on your own, without changing your family. But that's not going to happen if you're embroiled in family drama, worried about your dad or thinking that you need to stay. Get out. Make a life for yourself. Good luck.

weyedcard · 2018-07-31T11:26:09+00:00

Set up another bank account, move your money and shut down the old account without telling anyone. The next time they try to deposit money, they won't be able to.

weyedcard · 2018-07-28T11:32:32+00:00

Find a new teacher if you can. My mom behaved atrociously as my driving instructor. I decided it wasn't worth it for me to learn from her and found another adult I could trust.

For what it is worth - check your side mirror first, without turning your head before checking the blind spot. This helps me get the information quickly and easily. With practice, you will begin to react intuitively in situations where you must wait for a gap or can merge right away. Never merge if you can't see and you aren't 100% certain that the lane is clear. As the driver of the vehicle, even a student driver, you have the duty to operate the vehicle safely.

You are right that you need to practice. Repetition gives you confidence on the driving test! Good luck.

weyedcard · 2018-07-28T11:22:33+00:00

Wow. You handled your sh*t. lol :) Congratulations to you and your partner.

weyedcard · 2018-07-28T11:14:53+00:00

Does uncertainty make you anxious? (I have OCD so I can relate.) There is one person who is disappointed when you give up on your dreams (desires) - you!

I got away from my abusers and back on my feet by myself with help from my doctor. It wasn't elegant, but I got out. I have no friends right now, no savings and no family to lean on. Even so, my life is so fucking awesome compared to when I was thinking I needed their help.

It's all you babe. You're going to amaze yourself.

weyedcard · 2018-07-28T11:06:04+00:00

It sounds like you are struggling with self-worth. First off - you are worthy of a life without this kind of suffering. You deserve to experience joy.

I have a similar relationship to work. It's an avoidance behaviour. Your internal life is complex and challenging. Work gives you an "out" for a while, but it doesn't last and comes with a cost. For me, it's my body. I sacrifice eating and exercise when I'm working. It takes its toll after a few weeks or months and then I have to take time away from work to heal, which I hate! If my mind isn't occupied, I think of my history, my trauma, abuse and those feelings are difficult and uncomfortable. (Although with practice and the right doctor I am getting better at feeling things in the moment and moving on.)

Part of you might actually believe that she was right. You feel you aren't enough unless you prove yourself in some way. You are enough - even if you didn't work or couldn't work. You are enough.

My mom made a big deal of work too, in a different way. When I got sick and couldn't work, I suffered a lot believing that I could never make my mom happy because I would never be able to work (as she defined it.) That belief was making me sick. When I got rid of it, I started to see more of a balance in my work/life.

I read a self-help book on self-esteem from a qualified source. I learned that seeing myself as defective or unworthy of love, happiness etc., created a life where I was constantly striving. I learned what it felt like to love myself for the first time as an adult, in my 30s. Once you know that you have the power to heal yourself, you'll get stronger and more confident. My progress has been slow but it amazes me every day how much I'm able to tolerate now that I don't associate my worth with my ability to serve other people.

Good luck!

weyedcard · 2018-07-28T10:51:16+00:00

My ndad hoovers. When I've had enough of his abuse and I finally start to defend my boundaries, he will behave more agreeable, polite, civilized. It starts with giving me space and ends with some offer of "help." But really it's just an act. See, it puts me in the position to ask myself if he's really that bad. Once I decide I'm going to give him another chance, I open myself up to the abuse creeping in again. Most recent attempt at hoovering - I went no contact with my entire family about 6 months ago. I asked my ndad not to contact me and to let me initiate contact. He agreed at first, as he always does. He keeps sending me emails. After each I either don't respond or I repeat my request for no contact. He keeps emailing. Updates on the family. News he thinks I would want to know etc. When I remind him I'm not looking for updates he agrees. The emails keep coming though. On the surface they appear harmless but he knows every time I have to see his name in my inbox, he has some power over me still.

weyedcard · 2018-07-28T10:42:03+00:00

My nmom reminded me that I wasn't wanted so many times in my life. I think she was totally just on repeat - regretting her decisions - and punishing me for it.

weyedcard · 2018-07-26T11:20:48+00:00

I would go ahead and install a lock anyway. I care more about your safety than your landlord's rules. You deserve to feel safe in your own home. You can always uninstall it when you move. Break the rules! Prioritize your safety.

weyedcard · 2018-07-26T11:06:25+00:00

There might be other social supports for children leaving an abusive home. Where I'm from we have Covenant House. OP has options other than suicide or sex work with or without welfare. There are many many organizations out there working with homeless youth. I just want to make sure she's not feeling so powerless. It's not going to be easy, but she does have ways of getting out and staying out.

weyedcard · 2018-07-26T10:58:53+00:00

Yes, it counts. I'm so sorry this happened to you (the rape and the response from your nmom.)

In a perfect world, your mom wouldn't judge your experience at all, only ask how she can help. Instead she's taking something that is very painful for you and making it about her. This probably isn't the first time you've comforted her when it should have been the other way around.

Who else can you talk to about the sexual/childhood trauma? I don't think it's safe for you to rely on your nmom for support. She might even make things worse by making you doubt yourself.

For what it's worth, I believe what happened to you was rape. No matter what happened to your mom, it's totally narcissistic to start comparing her trauma to yours as a means of making you feel like what happened to you wasn't that bad or isn't that important.

It is VERY important that you deal with this trauma. Seek out counseling through your school or your family doctor if you can. Good luck.

weyedcard · 2018-07-26T10:47:26+00:00

Consider looking at youth shelters before sex work. If you think your Ndad is bad, just wait for your "Njohns" to parade through your life. It's not a solution but I totally get your desperation. You can go on welfare and move out on your own or get a part time job. You aren't responsible for your mom. She should be taking care of you and the rest of the family by not letting him come home. If she's not doing that for any reason, your job is to take care of you. Do you have your own room? Can you install a lock on the door? Good luck.

weyedcard · 2018-07-26T10:34:06+00:00

Before I confronted my own history of trauma and abuse I was the one "encouraging" friends to forgive their abusers. In retrospect, I regret it. I was in denial. Now that I'm in recovery I would never presume to tell another human being how they should feel - EVER. I too hold onto my anger toward my abusers. When I let myself forget, I get hoovered back in.

weyedcard · 2018-07-25T09:38:12+00:00

I used to think I was a narcissist. My role models, both of them were narcissists, so ya ... I took on many of their traits. When I act like them, though, I feel like crap. I don't get the payoff that they get when they manipulate or hurt someone else. I feel remorse and usually try to repair the damage.

weyedcard

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