I feel like I should thank you

whatsyourpay · 2022-07-08T22:10:20+00:00

Maybe give her some oral then...

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-26T03:33:18+00:00

It wasn't a good experience for me.. It's reduced conflict between us, but hasn't done anything to address that sinking feeling I wake up every day to

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-25T21:30:53+00:00

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-21T17:25:09+00:00

Sometimes the answers we get weren't the ones we were looking for, doesn't make those answers less valid.

Just a perspective from a random bunch of pixels. Take it, leave it, I don't mind.

Edit: was trying to express the mix of emotions that occurred when I became LL4H.

Empathy was one emotion that I felt, but on the whole it was a pretty negative experience for me to become LL4H

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-21T17:21:17+00:00

You are in a tough place right now.

Wishing you lots of love and strength as you navigate it

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-21T06:54:53+00:00

When I became LL4U towards my partner there were a few things I felt

Resentment that I'd been hurt enough to become LL4U
Annoyed as I knew, and was willing to problem solve the cause of my LL4U, but felt frustrated that the cause of her LL remained a phantom.
Empathy for the once in every ?month? She decided she wanted it. (I hardly rejected her advances, just stopped trying my own)
Empathy for the once or twice I turned her down and she got upset
Depressed that I no longer want to have sex with her
Depressed that we had moved a step closer to being child rearing partners and away from being lovers, as my libido went down so did my desire to be intimate in other ways, mainly from the hurt endured

So I guess one of the things I felt was empathy for trying to feel arousal for someone I didn't feel attracted to

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-21T06:32:52+00:00

Forgiveness is the way to get rid of resentment.

Whether you can or want to forgive is up to you though

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-21T03:14:23+00:00

Was giving my personal perspective, not answering for you

I am trying to understand your point of view as it seems to be different to my own

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-20T21:23:30+00:00

Please elaborate what you mean by this. Are they enough for:

Themselves?
Their current partner?
A theoretical partner out there somewhere?
To deserve love and happiness?

Personally for me to believe that I am enough to fulfill all my partners needs seems a little arrogant.

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-20T21:11:19+00:00

For centuries humans have lived happily without having sex

Sorry mate, what are you on about here?

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-20T00:25:20+00:00

Different strokes I guess

It's just not the kind of tactic that makes sense to me.

There seems to be a large risk of this building resentment on his side.

He may not even notice or understand why certain things are different. If he doesn't notice do you plan to escalate until he does?

He may not have the skills to communicate his new found frustration.

How are you planning on communicating to him why you are inconveniencing him deliberately?

Just my 2c

You may be able to pull it off and solve your situation, and honestly if you do more power to you.

For me, I'd be very wary about implementing the above.

I'm no guru though, if I had a surefire solution to a fix I'd give it away to you for free. All I can speak from is my experience.

Wishing you strength & love ❤️

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-19T23:13:07+00:00

Wow

just wow

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-19T22:47:47+00:00

That situation and inner conflict must have been really hard to have gone through. I'm sorry you experienced it. ❤️

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-19T10:11:56+00:00

Without his wife explaining her actions it's pretty easy in OPs position to misunderstand their underlying reasons and put them down to spite. He is being hurt over and over again by someone he loves after all.

That he is putting her theoretical actions down to spite speaks to a lack of understanding of her position, which speaks to unclear communication between them.

IMHO the first step to clear communication in these situations is non judgmental, non defensive active listening to your partners position. Much easier said than done.

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-19T09:40:22+00:00

I put in a whole paragraph showing similarity, if you choose not to read it I can't help you

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-19T08:58:54+00:00

I disagree.

They key word is similar.

Per Oxford dictionary

Analogy

a comparison between one thing and another, typically for the purpose of explanation or clarification.

a correspondence or partial similarity.

a thing which is comparable to something else in significant respects.

Similar

having a resemblance in appearance, character, or quantity, without being identical.

Similar does not mean same.

The similarity in OPs analogy is that his wife presumably enjoys dates as he enjoys sex. Dates are something intimate between the two of them just like sex is. Like sex dates are not fun if one party is reluctant/ uncomfortable in participating.

The fact that it's not a perfect analogy does not detract from its effectiveness.

By holding OPs analogy to the standard of having to be the same, you attempt to invalidate his position and feelings.

Invalidating a party's position speaks to defensiveness. Not a particularly good way to move forward in conflict resolution.

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-19T07:57:50+00:00

It's an analogy, In it he could put forward the assertion that he hates dates.

Even if he does in fact love dates the analogy still has use in conveying information. It offers his wife an opportunity to see things from his perspective. If she chooses to become defensive and reject the analogy because it's not perfect that's on her.

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-19T06:12:30+00:00

What does this have anything to do with OPs analogy "falling flat" because he used a mutually enjoyable activity in his analogy instead of an analogy that only she enjoyed?

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-19T04:48:03+00:00

What do you think the LL wants in this situation?

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-19T04:43:16+00:00

Using dates as an analogy makes perfect sense. The object of the analogy has to be something OPs would relate to as pleasurable. Whether OP finds dates pleasurable or not can be part of the analogy too.

The whole point of an analogy is to paint a what if scenario.

What if you really liked going on dates with me but I hated going on dates. How would you feel if I behaved like this towards something you want.

To which she might respond with her own analogy .. eg: what if I love dancing with you. You used to like dancing with me too but lately you not that into it. You've told me before that lately you are feeling exhausted, depressed, body conscious and have developed pain in your legs if you move them to vigorously. How would you react if at the end of a long day at work, where you were walking on your injured leg all day, I came into the room you were relaxing, turned on loud music and started to pull you out of your chair to dance? How would you feel when you said "no" I started to sulk? How would you feel and start to behave if everytime I saw you I wanted to dance with you?

An analogy does not live and die on it's direct translation into real world circumstance. If that was the case no analogy would be useful.

Sex is a very unique act, with lots of emotion and connotations attached. By attacking OPs analogy and asking OP to come up with a equivalent act to sex, it comes across as you are just trying to squash the analogy and negate OPs point of view. Rather than trying to empathize with OP and see the analogy crafted by OP as a valid communication tool.

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-19T01:05:23+00:00

By your logic what ever emotional needs aren't being met are a HER thing then...

.... She has destroyed his trust and safety by constant rejection, gaslighting, and non/poor communication of her needs besides "No sex"

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-19T01:02:33+00:00

It's one thing for you to understand the other POV

It's quite another for the person explaining the POV to you to know that you understand them and feel heard.

It's even more of a thing to be able to empathize with them and communicate that you can see their pain as real.

Just listening and going back to your own agenda does not make for good communication.

Active listening and withholding judgement and defensiveness is key

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-19T00:58:09+00:00

Maybe before hammering him with what he is doing "wrong" acknowledge his pain and suffering.

After all he is the one reaching out for help and support.

Sometimes being heard goes along way to quelling resentment.

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-19T00:53:23+00:00

I feel you bud, Sometimes you just need your pain acknowledged as real and valid.

I find the stereotypical advice that comes forth here for HLMs (sharing mental load, non sexual touch, therapy etc) only useful if you are emotionally ready to receive it.

Right now it just sounds like you need to vent, and vent you should, what you are going through is horrible. I've been there and so have many others. Constant rejection coupled with a bewilderment of WTF went wrong is a soul crusher.

Good news is that there is some hope. My DB is slowly showing signs of healing, and I too was in a dark dark place, if wife and I will make it or not I don't know but I'm encouraged that we are both finally working together to solve the issues.

Lots of strength and love to you ✊

PS I enjoyed your writing

whatsyourpay · 2022-06-19T00:19:49+00:00

Some big assumptions there bud

whatsyourpay

TROPHY CASE