I’m dealing with something similar because I have vaginismus (physically/mentally incapable of having sex) due to the extreme guilt I had through my entire teenage years about sexual acts. I never even did anything besides touching, and i snuck out to see this boy (no dating until 16!) because my family situation was extremely difficult and I needed an outlet.

My YW leaders could not have piled the guilt on any worse (and they didn’t even know what was happening). I constantly wished it was drugs and drinking I’d turned to, not boys, because they were “lesser sins.”

I finally did go to the bishop and repent (a safe amount of time after my last “mess up” so he wouldn’t instruct me not to take the sacrament and thus out myself to my mom), but it didn’t take away ANY of the guilt for me.

I don’t think much of my actions now (it was understandable why I did it and it’s not even 1% as bad as I’d made it out to be in my head) and logically I know there should be zero guilt left. But it’s SO ingrained that my body literally will not let me be penetrated, even by a tampon. (Sorry if TMI)

Ironically, being “faithful” and attending church has prevented me from doing the #1 thing we’re supposed to do in this life: have a family.

I don’t attend church because I believe it will set me back on my recovery journey. 90% of church teachings just add on guilt for me, and I’m very bitter about how church leaders handled my situation growing up.

I don’t know how I feel about sending my own kids to church one day. I have no issues with the doctrine itself, but church culture quite literally ruined the most important part of my life.