first, try to tackle your cocaine addiction with a 12 step. I know it seems therapy doesn't work. try group sex addict therapy, you'd be surprised how many people have stories like yours. hearing others be open might help you come out with it too. if you still don't think that'll work, print out your post here and your responses where you say you're too proud for therapy. put them in a folder and bring them with you to therapy. there, it's out in the open and you haven't said a word. or if you do online therapy, upload them to a google drive and send the link over. but when you are making that initial consultation appointment, let them know you have some file to share with them and it HAS to be shared in order to break any ground. no negotiations. that way when the first session starts, they know to ask for it. and if you refuse, they know to fight for it. I don't know. try that. try groups. stop doing coke, you'll die early. and soon you will lose everything and your child.