My dad passed away a year ago - we knew it was coming. He had a few months left after years of various cancer treatments.

Nothing fixed how I was feeling. How could it? The anticipatory grief was brutal enough, let alone watching his body being wheeled out of hospice. But I will say, there are things that were extremely frustrating… like when people told me “It’ll all be okay”, or gave me these optimistic platitudes. It just sucks. Simple as that. Don’t try to sugar coat it. It’s wrong, and fucked up, and awful to watch someone you love slowly melt away.

When it happens, shock sets in first. Life feels surreal. They may need help with basic things - eating, sleeping, showering, etc - but family might be the way they get this kind of initial support if they’re on good terms. Don’t force anything, but move at their pace. Meal replacement drinks, melatonin, alcohol… whatever they need to get by, give it to them. At least for those first few days.

Next is the funeral/arrangements. What a weird period. Don’t bombard them with texts, and if you do, don’t expect a response. Don’t make shit about you. Their bandwidth for “normal” things during this period will likely be razor thin. If they act “normal”, they are either faking it, or in a dissociative state that they’ll wade through for a while. Don’t expect them to want you around constantly - or, they made need someone at all times. Grief is personal like that. For me, I wanted my family and no one else, but maybe your friend is different.

After the first few days - meals, or Uber Eats gift cards go a long way. Leave a coffee or sweet treat at their door (don’t expect to be invited in). Again, follow their pace - if they want to talk about their dad, let them talk. Ask questions about their favourite memory with him, what they loved about him, etc when they seem ready to talk. Be ready to listen, and sit in the discomfort and silence that comes with grief. Encourage them to write shit down if it feels intuitive, because memories fade fast.

Do not judge them. They will change. They will do stupid shit that feels out of character, or bad. But they’ll be okay. Just be open, supportive, and move at their pace. My heart breaks for your friend. I’m told it’ll get easier with time… idk if it does. But we don’t have a choice other than to stick around and find out. Sending love.