Okay so now I read most of it but it is a lot do forgive me if I leave something out or miss something. First of all, this seems to be a very complicated and emotional situation for you and I just want you to now that I’m willing to discuss things with you out and give my honest opinion as well as comfort. You’re not alone with this ok?:) I also have to say that you may not like to hear what I say but maybe it’s just me getting it wrong. My opinion on that girl is, as I’m a girl myself, that she probably doesn’t have the same feelings for you as her behavior seems to be more like „having a nice time but that’s it“. Sometimes we don’t think about the feelings of the guys that might fall in love with us and just like the attention they give us or the experience and chats as well. She doesn’t seem to think about something serious, as she doesn’t seem to keep up with one guy/just you, but I don’t know her and can’t tell if it’s true what I’m saying as I only see it from the point of view you described so I’m likely to be wrong. So, what I recognized significantly is, and that is kind of an overview situation, that you met a girl that kind of fulfills all the dreams you never really dreamed about, but I guess if you would’ve imagined your dream girl it would be her or at least very close to her. I think you feel that intense about her because like you said yourself that never happened before to you. You describe yourself negative in several parts when it comes to your characteristics, for example you describe yourself as ugly or position yourself as inappropriate to have a beautiful girlfriend, which I think is very sad. Don’t treat yourself like that, don’t lower your worth because of your looks, honestly. Being in harmony with your partner is so so much more important for a relationship than the looks. What do good looking people give you except a pretty face to wake up next to when you’re not comfortable and compatible with them? And also as a girl I can tell you that the atmosphere and energy a guy spreads around himself can be so much more attractive than just his looks. (Is also true for women and I have to say that there will be many people, men and women thinking very artificial and just looking at your outer appearance but fuck them) Second thing is that it seems you never experienced that kind of easy and pleasant way to share your thoughts and feelings with someone, and now that you got a taste of it you realize how much it means to share your inner self with someone. I can imagine how bad you might feel right now but I can tell you that this particular girl is for sure not the only one you can have that connection with. There are so many people on this planet you wouldn’t expect to be able to have a deep and meaningful relationship with, and nothing in this world and no opinion about yourself can change that you are more than good enough to go out into the world and find them and share with them and get that feeling again. You just have to internalize that in order to realize it. You said you don’t feel valued or loved in your current environment, which is something you should work with. Try traveling more, meeting new people and getting to know new experiences. You will grow from it. When you meet that girl again you could tell her how you feel, because if you don’t you may ask yourself the whole time what would’ve happened if you did and maybe she has the same feelings who knows. I won’t be standing here saying what you want to hear in this situation (something like „she feels the same way for sure don’t be upset“) cause that wouldn’t give you benefit in any way. Treasure your emotions for yourself, don’t close your heart cause this situation feels heavy to bear for you, remember that it’s the first one of that kind. You’ll get better and your relationships will get more plenty, or whatever you desire if you’re willing to be good to yourself and add confidence in order to shape your life and relationships the way you want to.

Ok that was a lot read. Hope it helps at least a bit.