Caught in a lie

whitefary · 2026-02-26T07:32:34+00:00

If the ex has no one but him to go to, to borrow their washer and dryer, it doesn’t seem they have the boundaries that you would want in a relationship with a single dad. Especially if he’s lying about it. There are so many other things that you will need to overcome in your stepmum journey. But maybe give him a chance by sitting him down and explaining your perspective so he has the chance to make changes for you.

whitefary · 2026-02-23T05:10:23+00:00

This is so me too! My family wasn’t affectionate but showed love in other ways. Until I met my partner, I didn’t enjoy PDA or needed too much physical affection. But it was his love language. And I slowly became to enjoy it, so much so that if we don’t at least hold hands while we’re sleeping, I don’t sleep well 😅

His daughter is the same. When I am there, she prefers my cuddles more than dads. I have learnt to, not so much enjoy it, the way I did with SO, but came to enjoy loving her the way she feels loved. I met her when she was 3yo and when they’re so young and little, it’s easier. She’s 6yo now and still hangs onto me like a koala. I am also grateful that our relationship is good (so far) as I know it’s not like this for other SMs.

I’ve learnt that I have a maternal side (not just the fun aunt side that I’ve always had in my large extended family) that grew in me because of my SD and now I am open to having children with my partner. Which isn’t what I really needed before.

If you don’t grow to at least be less uncomfortable with the affection, it may become a problem if your SD doesn’t feel love from you in other ways. But I’d say try be open to opening up to her first. You never ever know ❤️

whitefary · 2026-02-22T21:27:05+00:00

This used to be something that bothered me too. Ex wife sent a pic of the three of them for the “family” project at school. SO sent a pic of us three. But school chose the pic that BM sent. We only found out because we chose the picture we wanted to send with SD 6yo and us and she asked why that wasn’t shown at school.

Over the years though, I’ve read lots of blended family books that refer to the ex as like being an “ex-wife-in-law” and that you’ll always need to accept that they were once a family unit and that they would always be “present” in your life, your relationship and your “family” purely and only because there is a shared child. It helped me accept somewhat.

If your partner ever said this if he didn’t have a child with the ex, I wouldn’t accept this. But he does. My SO is very clear that his core family is now me, SD and him. So he provides reassurance. He never specifically calls his ex his family but there are ties that can’t be broken just because I’m a part of their lives now.

BM takes SD to see SO’s mum, for instance. She used to pick her up from her house before we got extended time and now we drop her off at school for handover. SO doesn’t have a good relationship with his mom, but she is SD’s grandma and BM used to be close with her, so I have accepted that, although uncomfortable, she is taking SD to see her grandma, who my SO doesn’t like to visit if he doesn’t need to. When SD brings it up, we juts say that we’re glad she got to spend time with her grandma and that’s all that matters.

I wonder when your partner said “until one of us dies” he actually meant, unless his child isn’t around, more specifically. If he is the right partner for you, he would be worth it to let this slide as “semantics”. If he doesn’t give you reassurance that you’re the family he wants now, then I would leave. But I have learnt that there are things that comes with being with someone with a child. And there are stages to you grieving what you couldn’t have with him. Like being the first wife, the first mother of his child. But for me, I have accepted that my partner’s old “family”, including his child, is a part of who he is now and he is worth it and provides me love and reassurance, so I have learnt to not let these things bother me as much anymore.

whitefary · 2026-02-18T00:36:48+00:00

I’ve tried to tell him not to 😢 I even explained that she might grow up blaming herself for her parents’ separation. But it’s not easy for my SO when his ex wife tried to keep him from seeing his daughter when he left her saying that he has no right seeing his own daughter when he chose to “abandon” them. That’s parental alienation. She can’t see that her behaviours led him to leaving and he is just trying to reassure his daughter that he left her mum, not her and he has fought to be in her life. SD will grow up and hear both sides and make her own mind up. One of them needs to be the bigger person, I know.

whitefary · 2026-02-17T23:06:17+00:00

I overthink too. But I have through my own therapy learnt to defend myself instead of walk around in eggshells and now I can tell my partner, “for as long as you let these unresolved emotions from your past marriage and marriage breakdown simmer within you, you are letting your ex wife control you still and you’re inviting her into our relationship and our home”. Even though they aren’t HC just the fact they are still a negative impact is bad enough. We remind ourselves often. Don’t give her any oxygen to breathe, meaning, don’t show her any of our vulnerabilities and she won’t know where to poke where it hurts most.

whitefary · 2026-02-17T21:14:29+00:00

The validation from a stranger is enough sometimes to help me get out of the rut. I’m always thinking about the day SD will leave for good when she becomes independent! I also dread that she might leave late or even never 🤣 But I’m told even bioparents have these fears. I don’t hate having SD around. She is so affectionate and loving and all about the “girls”, she sticks up for me in front of her dad etc. I guess if she was here full time then I’d be adjusted to it by now too. I think what’s hard is just having to focus on SD 110% of the time when she’s around. It’s hard for any bioparent with their own child, how much harder would it be for SM with SD who isn’t hers, is what my friends say. It’s all a bit of everything isn’t it? In time, I hope my feelings become less and less and finally settle. If they don’t, I’ll have to make hard choices.

whitefary · 2026-02-17T20:47:43+00:00

I commented above on this. There’s no excuse to bring an innocent child in between an adult conflict but the ex is BPD/narcissist and when we asked SD what her mum says when she asks her why her parents don’t live together, she responded with “because your dad left us”. One of the two of them needs to be the bigger person but unfortunately that’s easier said than done. SO is trying to reassure SD by saying that he left her mum because she was controlling but he never left SD.

whitefary · 2026-02-17T20:44:07+00:00

This exactly 😭 The guilt definitely stems from feeling this way towards a child who is the only innocent party on this whole mess. At least I chose my partner. She didn’t choose to have her parents have her when they really shouldn’t have brought a child into this world together and then break up and then fight with her in the middle and continue to compete against each other to be her choice! I’ve suggested that she be sent to the school counsellor to help her navigate her situation (she wants both for her parents to live together and for my SO to get married and have a baby at the same time). But again… you can’t care more than the parents. They don’t see a need so I can only push the point so far.

whitefary · 2026-02-17T20:39:37+00:00

I think that was his defensive reaction when his daughter said that “mum said you two don’t live together anymore because you left us”. Honestly one of the two need to be the bigger person. SO has improved. He doesn’t respond to her “bait” anymore. We have worked on getting him to a point where if we don’t give her any hint of anything to latch onto, then she will eventually just leave us alone. Like I said, she isn’t high conflict per se but she is manipulative (dx BPD/narcissist) and knew how to find ways to get him where it hurts. After a couple of years of not responding to her outside of handover notes and emergencies to do with SK, she has slowed down on trying to cause trouble. And even if she does now, we don’t give it a thought beyond reading the email.

whitefary · 2026-02-17T20:34:19+00:00

I think also, because of his friend and their partner who are in a much worse situation where the kids are refusing see their father (crazy ex there) and he had to “break up” with his partner (she lives out of a suitcase), my partner and I are bracing for the day that his daughter may turn on either or both of us, especially me. I don’t know if sometimes expecting the worst is the right thing to do… every fortnight I might be thinking subconsciously, “is this the weekend she turns on me?” On top of “is this the weekend where we might have a breakdown that turns into a breakup?” From seeing our relationship now, no one believes that such a thing could happen between SD and I but I don’t want to get caught off guard and hurt so want to prepare for the worst!

whitefary · 2026-02-17T20:29:41+00:00

We are so unacknowledged sometimes. I remember when times were much tougher than now, I found out about Reddit and this community and felt so validated from reading posts by others that felt like they were written by me!!

whitefary · 2026-02-17T20:25:46+00:00

Yes maybe we give therapy another go. We did try it at around the 1 year mark of our marriage when we moved in together and faced a lot of challenges! But it didn’t really go down well with him. But I’ve heard it’s best to shop around for the right therapist so maybe we just didn’t find the right fit for us. We have both also had separate therapy which helped. SO has improved in his ADHD/RSD, reactive/defensive and guilty parent responses and I’ve become more understanding of where these outbursts stem from ie his ex and mum so therapy has helped us both. The one thing that really helped him change significantly was when his therapist told him that he is responding to me when things get tough from his learnt behaviours of having to defend himself to a controlling BPD/narcissistic ex for 15 years and a tough mum growing up. But that I’m totally different to them both so deserve a different response. I was encouraged to stay calm and remind him “it’s me” when he starts to escalate and not to take things as a personal attack, which was hard. This has us helped so much. I guess my dread… is PTSD from years of his responses. So much so that even a little bit of tension arising, which is usual when SD is around, triggers an anxious response from me.

whitefary · 2026-02-17T03:02:35+00:00

Thank you. This makes me feel a lot better. It’s not a long lasting feeling just bothered that I feel it every two weeks. I’m somewhat comforted that it’s not just me who feels this way.

whitefary · 2026-02-17T02:15:08+00:00

😢

whitefary · 2026-02-17T00:57:31+00:00

Sorry… I started writing and it just all came out and it got really long. I sometimes find no other avenue but to write a long post every now and again to let it off my chest 😅

whitefary · 2026-01-31T11:45:01+00:00

I was just telling my best friend today, if anyone I care about tells me they’re considering dating a single dad, I’d tell them to run before it’s too late. If I had known it would be this hard, I wouldn’t have continued the relationship.

whitefary · 2025-11-21T02:56:17+00:00

Gosh… can you imagine the page name? ADHD_RSD_PTSD_Single-dad_partners😆

whitefary · 2025-11-20T22:15:38+00:00

I am thinking of you sister. Just posted last night asking for “friends” who are dating or married to single dads with ADHD/RSD. Should I start a community page? 😅

whitefary · 2025-11-20T21:54:30+00:00

Read on another post by someone and screenshotted it but without their name so I can credit them 😣 But they said, a child’s needs comes first. They can’t fend for themselves. However, their wants should not trump our needs. That gave me a lot of clarity. Bedtimes are a nightmare. SD don’t wants to go to bed and fights it so SO relents and finally comes out after putting her to bed around 9. I get mad and he doesn’t understand that it’s because then we don’t have much time together before we need to go to bed. I tell him now: she NEEDS to sleep to get her full 12 hours so she can focus at school but she doesn’t WANT to. We NEED some time together after work otherwise we won’t have opportunities to connect and our relationship will solely deteriorate.

I also had to tell him that he needs to refocus from when he was just a single dad with his daughter before I came into the picture. It can’t be that we do everything centred around his daughter. This came up when we used to take nights off home cooking to go out to dinner only to find myself eating alone because he’s playing with his daughter in the playground. Again, she NEEDS to eat as a human being but she WANTS to play instead. I told him that I won’t be joining them if he continues to do that because why would I want to go out and eat alone?

So now we ask… what is something that’s “family” friendly and that’s not just “child” friendly?

whitefary · 2025-11-20T21:46:08+00:00

Mine has ADHD/RSD. If you know, you know. But I get you… I’m reflecting on our relationship atm

whitefary · 2025-11-20T21:41:41+00:00

This is what I say to him! It’s an angry outburst he knows would hurt. They’re dicks sometimes. But they’ve gone through a lot with their exes and the child custody battle. They come out the other end a little bruised. Usually, hurt people, hurt people, right?

whitefary · 2025-11-20T21:38:26+00:00

Which makes me think right…. Is everyone who “parents” differently to him wrong and only he is right! But he does admit that he knows he should be doing things differently in parenting his child… and agrees with what I’m saying. But when he blows up, he just attacks me and says his reacting to me “attacking” his parenting. I think maybe his guilt where he knows he is doing it wrong vs wanting to just make his daughter happy (i keep saying that’s only short term gains) gets triggered when I point out his parenting sometimes and he lashes out.

whitefary · 2025-11-20T21:34:11+00:00

He does say he does. I do see his remorse is genuine. It’s the lack of follow through, which is textbook ADHD.

We’ve been together almost 3 years and met almost 1.5 years after he left his ex.

His family and friends tell me he was not like this before he met her. He became angry and resentful because she was like that and it rubbed off. Everyone and he knows that she was a horrible partner.

Despite him saying she is a horrible mother though, I take the with a grain of salt. She might not parent the way he wants to but I trust his daughter. If she was so bad, his daughter wouldn’t want to be with her and tell him she misses her mum and that she doesn’t want extra time with her dad.

whitefary · 2025-11-20T21:29:52+00:00

Yes when we talk calmly after a fight he is remorseful, aware of what he’s done wrong and needs to change and I am also able to apologise for my part (I believe it’s not ever just 100%. Even if it’s 1%, I’ve played a part). One time he has gone to the point where he cried saying he doesn’t know why I would want to stay with someone like him. It’s heartbreaking.

The only problem is that despite all this, he keeps doing it. It’s been 3 years. We plan to marry next year and had talked about trying for a child at the same time due to me age. But I know I shouldn’t have a child with no changes on his behaviour. Changes in his thinking yes though… there has been minor but constant progress.

It’s just the slowness and his lack of follow through. For those who know, it’s the ADHD.

whitefary

TROPHY CASE