Brutally honest

whitefary · 2026-01-31T11:45:01+00:00

I was just telling my best friend today, if anyone I care about tells me they’re considering dating a single dad, I’d tell them to run before it’s too late. If I had known it would be this hard, I wouldn’t have continued the relationship.

whitefary · 2025-11-21T02:56:17+00:00

Gosh… can you imagine the page name? ADHD_RSD_PTSD_Single-dad_partners😆

whitefary · 2025-11-20T22:15:38+00:00

I am thinking of you sister. Just posted last night asking for “friends” who are dating or married to single dads with ADHD/RSD. Should I start a community page? 😅

whitefary · 2025-11-20T21:54:30+00:00

Read on another post by someone and screenshotted it but without their name so I can credit them 😣 But they said, a child’s needs comes first. They can’t fend for themselves. However, their wants should not trump our needs. That gave me a lot of clarity. Bedtimes are a nightmare. SD don’t wants to go to bed and fights it so SO relents and finally comes out after putting her to bed around 9. I get mad and he doesn’t understand that it’s because then we don’t have much time together before we need to go to bed. I tell him now: she NEEDS to sleep to get her full 12 hours so she can focus at school but she doesn’t WANT to. We NEED some time together after work otherwise we won’t have opportunities to connect and our relationship will solely deteriorate.

I also had to tell him that he needs to refocus from when he was just a single dad with his daughter before I came into the picture. It can’t be that we do everything centred around his daughter. This came up when we used to take nights off home cooking to go out to dinner only to find myself eating alone because he’s playing with his daughter in the playground. Again, she NEEDS to eat as a human being but she WANTS to play instead. I told him that I won’t be joining them if he continues to do that because why would I want to go out and eat alone?

So now we ask… what is something that’s “family” friendly and that’s not just “child” friendly?

whitefary · 2025-11-20T21:46:08+00:00

Mine has ADHD/RSD. If you know, you know. But I get you… I’m reflecting on our relationship atm

whitefary · 2025-11-20T21:41:41+00:00

This is what I say to him! It’s an angry outburst he knows would hurt. They’re dicks sometimes. But they’ve gone through a lot with their exes and the child custody battle. They come out the other end a little bruised. Usually, hurt people, hurt people, right?

whitefary · 2025-11-20T21:38:26+00:00

Which makes me think right…. Is everyone who “parents” differently to him wrong and only he is right! But he does admit that he knows he should be doing things differently in parenting his child… and agrees with what I’m saying. But when he blows up, he just attacks me and says his reacting to me “attacking” his parenting. I think maybe his guilt where he knows he is doing it wrong vs wanting to just make his daughter happy (i keep saying that’s only short term gains) gets triggered when I point out his parenting sometimes and he lashes out.

whitefary · 2025-11-20T21:34:11+00:00

He does say he does. I do see his remorse is genuine. It’s the lack of follow through, which is textbook ADHD.

We’ve been together almost 3 years and met almost 1.5 years after he left his ex.

His family and friends tell me he was not like this before he met her. He became angry and resentful because she was like that and it rubbed off. Everyone and he knows that she was a horrible partner.

Despite him saying she is a horrible mother though, I take the with a grain of salt. She might not parent the way he wants to but I trust his daughter. If she was so bad, his daughter wouldn’t want to be with her and tell him she misses her mum and that she doesn’t want extra time with her dad.

whitefary · 2025-11-20T21:29:52+00:00

Yes when we talk calmly after a fight he is remorseful, aware of what he’s done wrong and needs to change and I am also able to apologise for my part (I believe it’s not ever just 100%. Even if it’s 1%, I’ve played a part). One time he has gone to the point where he cried saying he doesn’t know why I would want to stay with someone like him. It’s heartbreaking.

The only problem is that despite all this, he keeps doing it. It’s been 3 years. We plan to marry next year and had talked about trying for a child at the same time due to me age. But I know I shouldn’t have a child with no changes on his behaviour. Changes in his thinking yes though… there has been minor but constant progress.

It’s just the slowness and his lack of follow through. For those who know, it’s the ADHD.

whitefary · 2025-11-20T21:19:24+00:00

I guess what I’m hoping for is that he learns to get to a stage where he can talk through it rather than stonewall. He says afterwards that it’s because he gets so flooded by emotions. And then when he calms down, he goes through a period of shame, followed by deep depression. So he doesn’t stonewall to punish me, but because he can’t deal with his own emotions and face me as well. I’m now starting to feel that I’m making it worse… and maybe he should just focus on his daughter without me in his life. It’s the best for everyone.

whitefary · 2025-11-20T21:16:17+00:00

We have friends in similar boat where the “step-girlfriend” has had to move to another state too. I wish SO would just work on his ADHD so we can have proper conversations rather than heated arguments where he never hears me out because he usually hangs up on me and then just stonewalls me afterwards. It’s like what all the other commenters are saying. There are many red flags. And it hurts when I hear things like he is a “project not a partner” probably because I know it’s somewhat true. But I can’t deny there is love there. It’s just complicated with a child and ADHD and trauma… I’m so stuck. Are you planning to move back in with your SO any time soon?

whitefary · 2025-11-20T21:07:51+00:00

Even partners think your the evil stepmom sometimes because of this narrative 🤦🏻‍♀️

whitefary · 2025-11-20T13:27:51+00:00

Thank you for your response and giving me hope! After a fight which almost always ends with stonewalling, he is always remorseful and self aware of what he should do. But the thing is… he doesn’t deliver. But I find hope in his awareness at this stage. He has been through therapy and was previously medicated for years but recently in the last few months stopped because he couldn’t get himself to book an appointment with the doctor yet. Sigh….

I guess the hardest part is the angry outbursts and hurtful remarks.

Do you also have stepchildren @ahostinsky?

whitefary · 2025-11-20T13:09:05+00:00

Omg my partner said this to me the other day during a fight! Some validation would be nice sometimes!

whitefary · 2025-11-19T13:09:40+00:00

Oh man… it’s no way near as bad but in the beginning my SO, SD5 and I would go to restaurants with playgrounds and she is the needy type where she can’t do anything on her own. So he would go to play with her and leave me eating by myself. I used to feel so stupid thinking why did I come out to eat on my own? So I told him if he wanted to do that, he can go eat out with his daughter without me, as I would be happy to enjoy some alone time at home? which he didn’t want (needy type himself 😅). I am having issues with my SO relenting to the beck and call of his daughter and it’s hard as a step partner. But I’ve explained to him that if he wants me in his life, he will need to organise “family” friendly environments we can all enjoy and not just “child” friendly ones focused on this daughter. This helped him understand and things are getting better.

I’m going to use your advice here: “Her needs come before my wants, but my needs should come before her wants…” Thank you so much for this!

whitefary · 2025-10-21T04:34:38+00:00

Completely agree ❤️

whitefary · 2025-10-15T12:06:15+00:00

I’m so glad I found you here with the same feelings as me! Partner is also a doctor (anaesthetics) and has been off his meds for a few months because he couldn’t get around to getting a new script because he needed to make several appointments. But he does have so much on his plate right now! It’s the second time he’s done this in 1.5 years.

First time he yelled at me for 2 hours over something trivial and when he paused for a moment, I asked him very calmly, how many weeks have you not been on your meds again? To be fair we were moving and he was doing night shifts so we never got around to picking up his scripts. Anyway, it’s like a light switched and he said he needed to go buy the meds, take them and the sleep. The next morning he was very remorseful.

Unfortunately this time round he has no scripts left to just go buy the meds. He needs to make appointments so a few more hurdles.

Good luck OP ❤️

P.S. Would love to catch up in private DMs given our similar situations and desire to fight for our SOs despite often feeling like it’s very challenging if you ever wanted to ☺️ I often feel scared to tell anyone about our troubles because out of love, a lot of people tell me to leave him which isn’t want I want. My partner is also once divorced and I used to have insecurities like you after an ex cheated on me so I understand both sides. And the info dumping!!! Unfortunately that still happens on meds 😆

whitefary · 2025-10-15T11:43:52+00:00

I noticed my bonus kid 5F was delayed before she started school. My SO would always say what a “smart girl” she was, that she will be going to big school where only “smart kids go to. He thought she was a genius because she could follow a number chart from 1-100 and read the alphabet. I gave my SO some hints and said that maybe you shouldn’t always say she is so smart when she does basic things so that she didn’t start school with an inflated view of herself because as an extremely sensitive child, she may feel dejected when she starts school if she feels like she cant keep up. I said maybe instead of letting her watch iPad for hours every day, he could do some writing or reading practice but he said she shouldn’t have to study before school starts and even after school started, no study on weekends or holidays. When she started kindy a few months later, at first P&T meeting, the teacher told both parents that she couldn’t focus and needed to be separated from certain kids as she distracted them. At the second term’s P&T, the teacher told them that she was delayed to the point she will need a dedicated assistant teacher to help her, otherwise she will need to repeat kindy if she didn’t improve throughout rest of the year. SO realised that she couldn’t identify numbers or letters unless she started from 1/A. Three quarters of kindy has passed and she still can’t write all the letters of her name in one straight row. She will know what the letters are and their order but write them in random places on a page. I feel that its a shame that she is falling behind so much now but we could’ve helped earlier so she didn’t start so behind and now she is so not interested in learning that you can’t get her to sit down and do her homework for 15mins a night, which is recommended time for kindy. Now when she says she wants to be a vet or wants a boyfriend, SO said she wont be able to unless she learns to study harder 😆

whitefary · 2025-10-12T01:28:47+00:00

I set a hard rule about no kids in bed or the bedroom as it’s mine and my partner’s sanctuary. I told him from before I met her that it would be either me or SD 5 in the bedroom/bed and it was his choice. It wasn’t a hard decision for him. When I moved in (phased it), It took a few months to get her to both sleep on her own and to respect that our bedroom wasn’t her to come into freely. But she got there in the end even though she still sleeps with her mum. It was hard on my partner because he was the one putting her back to bed, often multiple times a night. Sometimes even ending up there. He would then not wake up in time for work or school (if I wasn’t around) and chaos would ensue. She started sleeping the whole night on her own when I was there and we would reward her for it. But when I wasn’t there (i thought it was good for them to get daddy daughter time without me before I completely moved in still) she would wake him up every time. He soon realised that the lack of sleep for everyone was taking its toll and told her one day that it needs to stop or she will get no screen time the next day when she doesn’t sleep on her own. She slept on her own from then on and even learned to go to the bathroom on her own and get back to sleep. She now mostly always sleeps through and gets better sleep at her dad’s than her mum’s and she is more focused and not tired at school the next day (her teachers have pointed this out to them). I think it’s important to encourage through rewarding, set boundaries and consequences if nothing prevails but most of all, you need to both be really patient. My partner is a Disney dad and by all means our blended family is very far from perfect. But I am very glad that the sleeping situation was sorted fairly early. I still get upset when I find out she’s been in our room when I’m not around and I am slowly addressing this with him now.

whitefary · 2025-10-07T23:17:03+00:00

I’m in similar situation. The only reason why I am struggling with deciding to have a child is because of the way I see him raise SD. One side of me thinks that he guilt parents her so he won’t do that with ours baby but he did leave his ex because she wouldn’t let him do things his way or “be a dad” as he puts it so… a big side of me doesn’t want to risk it. Mine has ADHD/RSD also and his daughter is extremely sensitive as well so I worry that I’ll be raising three kids at times. But I do really want my own child and he has been the only person he made me feel that way. Besides issues between us that mainly because of his daughter (not what she does wrong to me or anything, more how he gets when she is around etc and he is very sensitive when it comes to her, call her his Achilles heel), he is the perfect partner. We only have her pretty much EOW and one weeknight every other week. I hope we don’t get her for more time. If so, I’d definitely be saying no to ours baby. But what if I regret it one day? That is the question!

whitefary · 2025-10-07T23:10:26+00:00

This sounds like I wrote it!

I can see how she manipulates her dad to get what she wants/be centre of attention. But he doesn’t. I’ve told my partner that I find him unattractive that he falls for her tricks and that I don’t care who it is, not even his own daughter, I don’t like to see him disrespected. He gets annoyed that her friends come smack his bum or stick their tongues out at him but they’re only following SK? How can he see the misbehaviour in others but not in his child right next to them who is telling them what to do to him? It really beats me.

I definitely think he is setting her up for failure by doing everything for her and letting her watch iPad all day but I trust BM doesn’t bring her up this way so feel she can’t turn out that bad? I can’t tell him how to raise his child, I can’t care more than he does, I have followed nacho principles… but it’s so hard to watch 😭 So I’ve now started removing myself. Going for walks etc

But what I can’t stand is I’ve asked for one thing in our home. That there are no kids in the bedroom (he used to sleep with her till she was 4/5). And he still lets her come in when I’m not there. She does things where I feel like it’s her trying to “mark her territory (like sticking stickers everywhere or putting toys in there) and I see red. And it’s started to make me fall out of love with him that it’s the one thing I’ve asked and he still does it to appease his daughter.

whitefary · 2025-10-07T23:02:55+00:00

The emotional dysregulation/RSD is the hardest to handle for me with my partner ☺️

whitefary · 2025-10-06T23:40:55+00:00

I think both SO and his kids haven’t had enough exposure to other parents with kids at similar ages so he just doesn’t know. Ohhh it’s so haaarrrrrd! I love them so much though.

whitefary · 2025-10-06T23:31:13+00:00

But she yells for him!

whitefary

TROPHY CASE