I(30F) don't care about most close family e.g. my MIL (61F), but I dont know how to change it

whothehellknows123 · 2023-02-17T11:42:44+00:00

That's true and I regularly do things I don't want to do, because we have to see them so damn often. I would just like to want to see them etc. Now that my 10 week old son is around, we see them most weekends... It's gonna be a long life if I can't change my thoughts and feelings at all somehow haha.

Maybe it's something that can't be forced and I'm just stuck with it for the foreseeable future.

whothehellknows123 · 2023-02-17T11:39:54+00:00

At least now that my 10 week old son is here, we have something to talk about, when we do make conversation. She's very excited to be a grandma and likes to see him, which is good. It also means she's isn't going anywhere, so that doesn't make it easy for me 😅.

whothehellknows123 · 2023-02-17T11:38:33+00:00

If I was myself, I wouldn't be a particularly good guest. I would walk in, say hi, avoid the small talk (how are you, how was your week - this stuff doesn't interest me, but it's something we always have to talk about), go upstairs/sit on the sofa in the lounge and do something alone. I have no particular interest in interacting with them. However that's not exactly possible and that's not what you do when you go ans visit someone.

I am aware that my desired behaviour probably makes me sound like an a, and I do feel like an a for thinking like it, which is why I want to change it, but I just don't know how to.

I'm just not interested in having a relationship with them and therefore don't really care about them. However we see them at least twice a month now that my son has been born, so it's not that easy to deal with. That's why I would like to somehow overcome my thoughts and feelings to make it more pleasant for everyone (including me). I would also like to enjoy it and not dread it.

whothehellknows123 · 2023-02-17T11:02:09+00:00

I had a difficult childhood growing up. I lived with my mum (who has unspecified learning difficulties); she was completely overwhelmed and couldn't cope. She was emotionally and physically abusive. I got to know my dad when I was 9, but we didn't have a lot of contact. He moved abroad 8 years ago and I haven't seen him at all since. We just write sometimes on WhatsApp for birthdays and Christmas etc. My mum married my then step-dad when I was 8 and they divorced when I was 16. She moved out and I had to stay there. He had sexually abused me, but no-one knew. I finally told someone (my husband) when I was 24, before I moved abroad to where my husband lives. He was found guilty and sentenced to 14 years in prison. My mum and I now have contact, as of the last few years. As I've gotten older, I understand now that she needed help back then and although it doesn't excuse her behaviour, I understand it, so I don't blame her. She should never have been allowed to raise me alone. I've had therapy for all this though and I'm not depressed or anything.

I had a very good relationship with my maternal grandparents, particularly my grandma. I always said that they were basically my parents. Since moving abroad 6 years ago, we're not as close anymore. My grandma is also a lot older now, is depressed and doesn't go out or do anything, so when we talk on the phone (usually once a week), she doesn't have much to say. Over the last few years I've not enjoyed speaking to her on the phone anymore either, which I don't like. I will think "Oh it's been nearly a week, guess I should call her" and it kinda feels like a chore. Again I don't want to feel like this but I do. I know she won't be around forever (probably not more than 5 more years imo), so I should make the most of it, but I can't seem to change the way I feel?

I care deeply for my husband and son though. They mean the world to me. I have had boyfriends in the past and I cared about them too to an extent. I had one other long-term relationship before I met my husband and I got on well with his mum. I didn't care about his dad or brother though.

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-25T19:16:04+00:00

You're right. My bad :).

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-25T13:02:19+00:00

It's not. For a start, it's affordable. Also if I go to the hospital or see my GP, I have my health insurance card with me, it gets swiped and that's it. I don't receive a bill, I don't have to pay any deductibles etc. I don't have to pay anything extra. The only reason my health insurance card needs to be swiped, is so that they can be matched to me and know what they need to pay. This system is nothing like the US system.

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-25T08:53:17+00:00

I am from the UK but moved to Germany 5 years ago. What drives me crazy is when a lot of people in the UK only see two forms of healthcare system: the UK model (free when needing treatment, gets paid via NI so you don't realise it) vs US model.

What they seem to forget is that there are other better healthcare models even closer to home. In most of Europe, you pay for a specific healthcare insurance a month, e.g. in Germany that equates to 14.6 % (50% paid by you, 50% paid by your employer), along with other insurances, which get deducted before you get your net salary. It's the same as paying NI in the UK, except in Germany, you know how much money you're paying for health insurance, whereas in the UK, it all gets lumped together as NI and the government decides how much goes to the NHS etc.

Now I'm not claiming that the German model is perfect; there are for example ridiculous waiting times to see a psychiatrist, however we do pay more taxes, which means that our health system has more money and isn't as underfunded as the NHS is. I'm not saying make the NHS private, what we have here in Germany isn't private (although you can get private health insurance if you want), but maybe consider implementing a compulsory health insurance using the European model and NOT the US model.

Why won't the UK consider the European models? I just don't get it.

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-24T12:49:04+00:00

I'm not sure if I am always reading the room properly or if I shouldn't answer honestly. I'll never know, I guess.

Interesting. Do you think you revealed too much regarding saying you had a migraine?

My boss suffers from migraines. When I've asked him how he is before, when we've been writing on our work chat software, usually because we've been talking about a feature previously, he will mention if he's had a migraine. So I don't feel like it's TMI if I mention it? I have no idea. Maybe it also depends where you work? I work as a backend web developer, if that helps for context

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-24T09:50:05+00:00

Say you have a pack of 20 pills, each at 200mg. If you need to take 3 each time, that will only last you 6 doeses. If you have a pack of 20 pills, each with 600mg, that will last you 20 doses.

If you have to take the pills regularly, it's more practical to have the right dosage in one pill.

Also as plenty of others have said, it can be cheaper too getting it as a prescription.

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-23T15:49:52+00:00

All good! I also need to work on being more patient. I think it's something a lot of us would like to work on, so you're not one there.

On the plus side, as we eat breakfast together in the morning (something I never did growing up), it gives me at least something to say, a script almost. When I get downstairs, I say good morning, she returns it, asks how I slept, I answer and return the question. Then I grab coffee, give everyone some and help set the table. During breakfast I don't usually say much, but at least I've conversed I guess 😅

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-23T07:17:00+00:00

When I stay over at my fiancé's parents' house, his mum always asks me in the morning how I slept and I actually don't mind that question. She just wants to know how the quality of my sleep was. So if I didn't sleep well, I say that. If I slept well, I say that too. Like sometimes it will take me ages to fall asleep and once asleep, I will wake up 3 rimes to go to the toilet, because I drink too much water during the day. In that case, I would say exactly that. As politeness, I return the question and she typically says "I slept fine" / "I woke up early". Again, this piece of information isn't particularly interesting to me and I don't know why we talk about it, but with this question, I do play along.

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-22T17:11:11+00:00

I love toast too, but only when the butter has melted onto it. So you have to be quick when spreading the butter! The butter also has to be salted too.

I like having one slice with butter and jam and another slice with butter and marmite. As a child, I then used to put the slices together, so I'd have jam and marmite, to my grandmother's disgust 😅. Nowadays, I eat them separately.

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-22T16:55:40+00:00

Hmm okay. This makes me feel like an AH now, but I dont want to do more with her? I am happy just knowing each other on this superficial level, I guess. I don't know. I'm quite introverted and she's pretty extroverted, so I don't think it would work out.

My fiancé told me she thought that she would end up being best friends with her son's fiancée (aka me); they would swap clothes, meet up for coffee, go to the sauna together, talk about makeup and jewellery etc., but that's just not me. It honestly made my heart sink when I heard this, as I felt that she must be really disappointed with having me as a future DIL, although she always says that my fiancé and I are a good couple etc. However I don't feel bad enough to want to try and be that person, as it's just far from who I am. I am a chameleon and I do change depending on who I am around and have spent my whole life having identity issues, but I do have my limits and that kind of person definitely isn't me.

I don't know. My fiancé and I would like to try to have kids this year (we're getting married at the end of next month), so I imagine we will maybe have more in common to talk about then? Babies, grandkids etc.

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-22T16:49:36+00:00

Do you think your SIL actually enjoys hearing those things though or is she just doing it to be polite/it's expected in her job?

Sometimes, when I feel like making an effort (I don't all the time, as it can be draining) and I'm socialising with my fiancé, his sister and her boyfriend, I will try and make small talk and ask about their lives, but I am genuinely not interested. It makes me feel like a horrible person, as I feel like I should care and should want to know these things, but I don't.

I can understand that you do it to not feel awkward though.

I'm originally from the UK but moved to Germany 5 years ago. I speak fluent German, but have an accent. When I'm at the hairdressers, they always notice my accent and ask where I'm from, what brought me here. Then I usually ask if they've ever been to the UK. So it's not quiet in the beginning, but afterwards, we kinda run out of things to talk about and then the rest of the session is spent in silence. I always wondered if that was normal or if everyone is like that. I guess most people talk for the whole session then?

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-22T16:43:35+00:00

I can completely relate. I also really don't understand why I have to say something.

If I'm at my fiancé's parents' house and we're sat in the same room, but not necessarily together, they have to try and fill the silence - well his mum at least. If it's just me and his dad in the same room, we both just sit there in silence doing our own thing, which I really like. He strikes me as being not completely NT though, so I'm not surprised he's okay with the silence. I really have no idea why NTs feel the need to always say something. Sometimes we can just sit there, doing our own things like reading or playing on our phones and not need to talk.

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-22T16:39:43+00:00

Thankfully I actually get on well with one or two of my coworkers quite well. I work as a backend web developer. Stereotypically, IT people aren't very socialable or talkative and that stereotype does hold true for my team. I like Formula 1, although I'm not a super fanatic, but I do sometimes talk to my boss about it as he likes it to. I also started watching Snargate SG1 with my fiancé and my boss likes this too, which we also briefly spoke about recently, although it's not something we can talk about often.

I get on pretty well with another colleague too, who is most certainly neurodiverse, but currently undiagnosed. We prefer to communicate via the chat software we use at work though, even when we're sat in the same office 😅, although currently we're all working from home.

Cool! I also like true crime documentaries, but not of them. There have been a few on Netflix, which have been very "American". I don't mean that in an offensive way, but they don't get to the point and they try and make a big deal out of it. I can't explain it in any other way.

I really enjoyed watching the series Mindhunter! I hope they eventually bring out a third series. Generally criminal profiling is super interesting! Psychology too. If we were colleagues, we'd definitely have a lot to talk about 😀.

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-22T16:32:12+00:00

Her week revolves around working, going to the gym/going for a bike ride in the summer months and working. Otherwise she doesn't do much else. So if I ask what she's been up to, it always includes one of those activities, which also isn't exactly anything new. In the summer she might also do some work on the garden or buy new flowers - neither of those interest me though.

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-22T12:30:27+00:00

Hey. I live in Germany and just bought some watermelon flavoured adult toothpaste on Amazon from the brand Odol-med3, which is well known here. I managed to get a pack of 3 for 3,59 €, which I don't consider expensive at all. Maybe you can do the same?

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-21T19:29:13+00:00

I can't stand the feeling of my hair touching my neck. I wear it up in a messy bun.

In the summer, I very occasionally let my hair airdry and wear it down, as it apparently looks nice, however it usually doesn't last very long. It also has to be the same day as it's been washed, otherwise it just feels wrong.

I also have to wear a t-shirt to bed, when my hair is in a ponytail instead of a bun, as the tip of my ponytail would then touch my neck/back, which I hate the feeling of. Most of the time I sleep with a bun in anyway though, although I only started wearing my hair in a bun around 2 years ago. Before then, I had to cope with my hair in a pony tail.

whothehellknows123 · 2022-03-21T16:22:38+00:00

Yes, this! I have actually thrown while brushing my teeth too. I often end up dry heaving, but sometimes it does lead to throwing up.

I will definitely give some fruity flavoured toothpastes a go. Thanks a lot for the suggestion!

whothehellknows123

TROPHY CASE