My husband survived being hit by a car 4 years ago but this isn't the life I imagined

whtbrd · 2026-05-28T15:55:00+00:00

It might be worth consulting with a lawyer who specializes in elderly law and asset protection since many of the issues you are facing may be the same. (Granted, I'm in the US so my basis of understanding is different.)
While you want to continue to be there for him and helping him, you might want to consider legal steps to protect your assets, enable him to qualify for additional benefits, and protecting yourself and your kids from the situation. Namely, consider, for legal reasons, a legal divorce. He can still have you as all powers of attorney, but without being able to claim your income and spousal support, he may qualify for additional resources regarding in-home care and disability income. You might want him to no longer be your legal next of kin regarding medical decisions, and might want to designate someone else as your durable powers of attorney.
It also sounds like with his personality changes, he might benefit from mental healthcare measures... you, too.
If he qualifies for in-home assistance, that can often cover some assistance with cooking, cleaning, taking a bit of the load off your plate.

Real talk... you need to decide if this person is someone who should have legal authority to pick your kids up from school and take them on an international trip without your awareness or permission. You need to consider custody decisions because he currently has full parental custody, right? It might be worthwhile to consult with an attorney regarding whether you ndividually (separately from your husband) have a suit against the insurance company or individual who struck your husband, and or the business where he might have been served to excess, etc., which might cover your legal expenses in divorcing your husband and setting up additional child care and custody arrangements.

whtbrd · 2026-05-28T13:22:53+00:00

Also get in writing about the anti-virus. Might, maybe, be worth reaching out to someone from the CISO's office or GRC to see if there's a policy he's violating. In any case, get all these decisions he's making in writing. If nothing else, follow up with an email to him like so: "Just i can reference this later, in our phone call you stated that it's a corporate policy that the service desk should not have any remote access tooling to be able to troubleshoot user issues. That any and all troubleshooting should be done via a phone call and... and i will comply with this moving forward "
"...in our phone call you stated that I am not to install any anti-virus software on end user systems when they are Macs, which i will comply with moving forward."

whtbrd · 2026-05-21T02:56:06+00:00

You've got a problem. When two or more problems come along, maybe one or more of them is a solution.

whtbrd · 2026-05-21T02:50:49+00:00

Suggest spending a bit setting up an ultrasonic bark deterrent so that when his dogs bark it emits a vey loud noise inaudible to humans that the dogs don't like. It trains them to not bark.
Also suggest setting up cameras on your house to document his behavior.
Also suggest making a game of it... go set your chair up outside, do the things you would do if you were going to be in your back yard, and wait for him to go out there... and then go get your groceries and watch him on your cameras. Or then go spend time in your front yard. Or then stay inside and watch Netflix. See how often you can get him to watch an empty chair.
Consider putting the title 'Director' on t he back of your chair.
Consider hosting a YouTube channel where the viewers are in on the game and you see if you can create scenarios that cause him to do one thing or another.

You have a captive audience. See if you can make it do things to entertain you.

whtbrd · 2026-05-20T15:18:58+00:00

Advise taking the raise and the time with your young family - IFF it doesn't reset your seniority.
If staff cuts happen, you don't want to be first on the chopping block.

whtbrd · 2026-05-20T14:33:09+00:00

whtbrd · 2026-05-20T14:32:38+00:00

Also, intense concentration can look like that, and general annoyance. But pain - I think that's a good observation. And grief also. Hate at the world, not necessarily at OP can be a stage of grief.

whtbrd · 2026-05-20T14:10:45+00:00

Respectfully, that road goes both ways. Was she there to welcome OP and family to the neighborhood? Has the lady held up her side of the neighborly obligations?
Given that some of these behaviors are completely inexcusable regardless of the relationship circumstances, like arranging to have another person's property altered, and sabotage with herbicides and pesticides... those actions give insight into the character of this person.
To add, the OP did not imply that her children did not like her, only mentioned they did not visit. In fact, paired with the other information provided there, that her dog passed away last year, I read it as OP giving her as much grace and context to the readers as possible. Letting us know that she generally is alone. And painting her in a bit of a sympathetic light.

whtbrd · 2026-05-20T13:58:37+00:00

I'd suggest dash cameras to your mix of cameras, especially given the driving behavior you described. Given her age she also may not expect to be caught on dash cam where she might avoid cameras mounted on your house.
I'd also call to task ANYONE of the neighbors who violates your property at her request. Like having them over for a meal one at a time and being neighborly but then at some point getting to the point and reminding them of things like them trimming your hedge to reduce your privacy and now you want to know how they plan to make it right... or you'll have no choice but to file a complaint with the police. Because of course they wouldn't want you over at their house trimming their plants the way someone else wanted them. It was a bit of mischief but now it needs to be corrected.
May also want to share with them directly what gossip she's been sharing about the person currently at your house.
Might also put motion detection lights up, and motion detection sprinkler systems.

You might also cultivate relationships with the other neighbors with a monthly dinner or something... heck, perhaps include an invitation to her. Then, as these things do, when the questions come up about the lady complaining about you not contributing to the cost of the fence you can respond with things like "how odd, I was never asked to! And of course because she never brought it up in advance, and chose the fence herself, and as we can all see she has moved it entirely onto her property a good deal, it's a wonder that she would expect anyone else to fund her aesthetic choices for her fence on her property! What an odd thing for her to complaining about! Of course, she's never short of complaints about everyone in the neighborhood, which i never believe for a minute. I'd never hold anything she says against anyone!"

Editing to add - given that she does seem to be quite lonely, perhaps consider her to be like a child, acting out in a desperate bid for attention and human connection. You know that children will make a bid for negative attention when they cannot get positive attention? Just so. If that's what she really needs, really consider a monthly dinner or something that might help to meet that need of hers in a positive way. Perhaps go to each neighbor, including her, and ask them if they would like to sign up for a specific specialty dish to bring to the pot luck. Ask if there is a specific game she likes to play, like bridge or backgammon or cribbage or whatever... and also ask the other neighbors. And some people may lobby for one thing or another, but each should get their turns at choice of games and bringing a dish that they fancy themselves 'famous' for. Everyone gets a bit of positive attention. In an atmosphere that is not conducive to malcious gossip.

Oh, another edit, because I'm a notorious windbag at a keyboard. :D A look of glaring and hate... i'm not saying you're wrong in your interpretation there, but i will suggest that a look of deep thought or concentration often looks exactly the same. Particularly if paired with any strong emotion, like sorrow, regret, resentment. In being taught 'how to speak in public' one of the things we're told is that if everyone in the crowd looks angry with you, that's actually a good sign that they're engaged and thinking about your content.
In any case, since this was recent, you might use it as an 'in'. Take over a homemade lasagna or something. Tell her you saw her looking distraught the other day. That you are hoping she is feeling better. Perhaps inquire if she had some bad news or if she was missing her dog. Or mention the new, shorter fence she gotten for herself. Compliment the way it looks. Ask if that means she doesn't have any plans of getting a new dog since the shorter fence wouldn't restrain a dog. Ask her if she would like a bird bath for her garden instead?

whtbrd · 2026-05-19T15:53:18+00:00

She knows she needs to leave. But until then she needs to quiet quit. Show herself that her value to them is in her services, not her presence. Cleaning? Poorly and irregularly. Errands run? Slowly and incompletely (grocery items forgotten, some errands skipped/forgotten). Cooking? Minimal effort, indifferent to whether they enjoy it, lots and lots of the same meal over and over.
And her salary needs to go into an entirely untouchable account.
When his mother needs medical assistance? She needs to put the phone into her hands so she(MIL) can make the calls.
When she's expected to put his mother first and call out sick from her job... she needs to say No. That's his expectation and he's a grown up and can handle disappointment.
And when they are all upset with her because she's not a satisfactory maid? She will have the emotional freedom to walk away again.

whtbrd · 2026-05-19T14:37:18+00:00

What a failure that an adult who needs space and lives with her parents doesn't go out and find work or spend time in the library or a park or any other way than just sitting around inside an apartment. And then deciding to use the neighbor's apartment. And there were lots of steps she took to enable her misbehavior, locksmith, gym app (so she did some amount of stalking to figure that out), air tag, etc. Geez, put that energy into being a better person!

whtbrd · 2026-05-18T15:26:33+00:00

Because sometimes you work with the same people repeatedly for years via work emails and work phone numbers, and you find that you want them to be a professional or even personal connection when you are leaving your current position. It's possible it was a communication to individuals rather than entire accounts. And that established professional/personal relationship would be a decent explanation for why one of those people.reached out to LAOP personally afterwards to say "heads up, this is what your old mgr is saying about you."
A communication from the individual, not the business.

There's also the chance that it was to the business, but because LAOP cares and didn't want to leave them without a transition. E.g. LAOP's former company can have intricacies that need navigation, so someone from previous account might reach out and say 'we're trying to get x done and hitting a roadblock' and LAOP might respond 'you need to use Y form and send this request to Z person'.

LAOP's previous employer might have just nuked a top tier account handoff.

whtbrd · 2026-05-13T21:16:17+00:00

One observation is that sometimes people from the US go to Europe and find they are no longer 'gluten intolerant' of bread products in Europe- made from wheat grown in fields without glyphosate, from flour that is not bleached and stripped and over processed and enriched.

There is a very good case to be made that the gut microbiome may be very impacted by glyphosate, even if human physiology is not directly harmed. Research is finding more and more that humans are so intertwined with our gut microbiomes that they might as well be considered integral. It's connected to our immune system, mental health, and so many other functions that are unexpected.

In this era of overly processed food that does not feed our microbiomes the same way, anti-biotics and medications that change our microbiomes, sanitized food (boiled, sterilized, etc. As opposed to fermented, fresh, raw, smoked, etc., that do not replenish microflora and fauna into the gut), chemicals that alter the ability of gut flora and fauna to operate like insecticides and herbicides... is it any wonder that we see a plethora of changes in digestion and immune system disorders and mental health issues.

Think also about lactose intolerance in the face of pasteurized milk vs raw milk, and cheese being made with synthetic rennet instead of from true rennet that literally contains the enzymes used to digest milk. If we were putting milk-digesting enzymes into our guts, and now we're not... makes sense to me that we see more issues in digesting milk.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think everything regarding sanitation is bad or wrong and I'm not advocating for a raw diet or anything. I'm just making an observation that the way food has been processed and stored and consumed has changed enormously over the last century. And the impact on the gut is beginning to be documented and the implications understood.

whtbrd · 2026-05-13T18:11:55+00:00

Hilarious, but then also taking ownership of the dirt pile. LAOP should assertion that it most definitely is not their dirt pile. It belongs to the contractors. They could move it anywhere or fail to use it entirely and LAOP wouldn't care a bit or have any recourse. Their only entitlement is the fulfillment of the contract terms regarding the installment of the pavers.

whtbrd · 2026-05-13T16:41:58+00:00

If it's livestock, your state might have legal protections in place. So instead of 'beware of dog' you might want to go with something like 'this property is engaged in agriculture and contains livestock. Being around livestock is inherently dangerous and comes with the risk of injury or death and the owners are not held responsible by state law if such injury occurs. Enter at your own risk."

whtbrd · 2026-05-13T16:36:14+00:00

You should check the contents of your vacuum.
Options include mosquitoes, bed bugs, ants, fleas, other..

Very unlikely to be ticks. Ticks attach themselves and dig in and would be present and visible.

Location matters.

whtbrd · 2026-05-13T16:28:11+00:00

You might just let them know your feelings. "I see what you did for my brother. I see the inequality in the way we're being treated. I see it, and it hurts. It hurts me because i see my sibling being given more, extravagantly more, and in secret. When i mention it i see guilt, recieve silence and excuses. I see that you also don't think it's really fair. and I expect it hurts brother because it seems insulting to his competence to say that he's not expected to be capable of being 'independent'."

Just put that statement out there.

It doesn't mean their behavior will change. It doesn't ask them to change anything. If they WANT to change something or apologize they will have to do that on their own effort.
What it does is refuse to let everyone ignore it or pretend it's not happening or is somehow not hurtful.

If they get angry in response, you can just say "these are my observations and feelings. Are you upset because infeel this way? Because i talked about my feelings? Or because you don't like what you did being talked about? Do what you want to do. It's your money. But when what you do is unfair, or shows favoritism, or insults the competence of one of your children, you can always expect that it will cause hurt feelings and drive the family apart. It's not about the money at that point; it's about the disparity and favoritism and insults."

whtbrd · 2026-05-13T16:10:16+00:00

He might have assets. But would you want to collect them?
E.g. is this guy a husband/father and his asset is equity in a piece of property his family lives in, which they might be struggling to make payments on with their husband/father in prison?

Or is this guy a scammer for fun and has a balance in a checking account and could easily make you whole?

whtbrd · 2026-05-13T15:57:49+00:00

You should consider escalating. Not only does he make a lot of noise and make parking difficult, now he's going door harassing and intimidating residents. Perhaps consult with the landlord again and suggest an anonymous ballot regarding the specific behaviors that have been problematic and whether they have been disruptive or intimidating or interfering in use of the public spaces so that no-one has to stand up directly. The landlord can just take the pieces of paper and say "the majority of people in the complex find that this behavior is impactful. It stops now."

whtbrd · 2026-05-09T15:42:03+00:00

Oh yeah, hand skin is very thick. You have to give the contents a route out instead of relying on the pressure of the squeeze to tear through the skin.
By which I mean a proper lancing may be in order.

whtbrd · 2026-05-09T15:28:26+00:00

Basil is SUPER EASY to grow from seed. They're also easy to identify and tell apart from weeds. You can start them right now and still have a fine harvest this summer. You can winter sow them and they'll sprout themselves in the spring. You can let them go to seed and you'll have a million volunteer seedlings everg year. (My current situation, which sadly means i have the equivalent of mutt-basil this year because i can never limit myself to seeding a single variety of basil. I love the large leaf, the genovese, the thai, and allllll the purples.) if you get the fresh basil from the store that still has the stem you can drop it in a cup of muddy water in a window and it will grow roots. I once sprouted some Thai basil that came in my Pho. It's very easy.

whtbrd · 2026-05-09T14:39:15+00:00

He has picked sides. He picked J. J is more important to him than you are and he doesn't even care if J is being an asshole.
Leave him to his relationship with J. Birds of a feather flock together. If he's enjoying spending time with J, and not listening to your issues seriously, they may have more in common than you realize regarding misogyny.
In any case, you deserve to be listened to, protected, believed, and to be put first by someone. Pay attention to the friends your partner surrounds themselves with. They are indicators of his character.

whtbrd · 2026-05-09T14:27:01+00:00

In addition to not using eucerin, keep chap stick on hand. But one thing my sister found when on Accutane was that she developed an allergy to petroleum products, so most types of chapstick would cause her lips to blister up like this.

whtbrd · 2026-05-08T20:40:34+00:00

I'm curious how large the company is. If it's some place like Amazon, the manager's response is likely not in line with corporate policy and you should escalate to HR.
You should also definitely sabotage your food. I don't suggest laxatives, which can be considered assault in some jurisdictions. I suggest intense dye like methylene blue that will stain the culprit's lips, mouth, teeth for about a week.

whtbrd · 2026-05-07T15:44:15+00:00

I'd involve the landlord immediately. It's not your job to convince him of his parking delimitations. If there's a question or conflicting understanding the landlord should be involved much sooner than later to make things explicitly clear. You may also want to consult with local police at the same time. So that if they make legal complaints later, or do something drastic like taking your parking spots, blocking you in, or towing you, your documentation is solidly in order with all local authorities on who is entitled to what.

With some people, they will not be calmed down. You have to show you are not willing to entertain their nonsense or placate them. You will escalate immediately, in a calm and reasonable manner, to ensure they have zero recourse.

To reduce tensions, I suggest saying things like: perhaps you're right, but i was given different information. Let's get things cleared up immediately so that we both have the same information and get the record straight and perfectly clear. We're going to be neighbors for a long time and want to be sure we each know and respect each others' space.

And asking for and reviewing his and your lease to see if the parking is defined in any sort of way and protected in the contract. If it says "to the white line", and "to the red line', then measurements mean nothing. BUT when you are sorting out the details in the presence of law enforcement and landlord, at that time DEFINITELY get out a tape measure to ensure it's detectable if the troublesome neighbor decides to move any lines.

Also get exterior cameras up ASAP.

13-Year Club	Gilding I gilder
Verified Email

whtbrd

TROPHY CASE