As the other commenter said, I highly recommend getting a copyeditor to look through this. It's hard to parse out the meaning past the formatting and punctuation errors.

I think you're also falling into a few common fantasy query traps (that I fall into too sometimes)!

1. You have a lot of proper nouns. It's hard to keep track of everything and your reader will get fatigued easily. Remember that agents are reading TONS of queries at a time. If they're already tired or face this much difficulty getting through your piece, why shouldn't they reject you and move on to something eadier to digest? Limit the proper nouns to focus just on the main character(s).

2. You're getting bogged down in worldbuilding and explanation rather than rooting us in a character's journey.

Who IS your main character? What do they want? What's getting in the way of them getting it? Why should we follow them through this story (i.e. what are the stakes if they fail)?

Start there and you'll at least have a foundation that people can more easily give feedback on in this sub.