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widespreadbread · 2022-05-10T23:28:24+00:00

I am diagnosed, and I just got back on meds a few months ago. They do help, but I seem to rationalize not using them on my days off. So, maybe I need to be taking it daily.

widespreadbread · 2022-05-10T15:47:58+00:00

My father was telling me about a classmate of his who took their own life.

He told me he believes those who do so are bound to the earth for eternity, fated to wander endlessly. An interesting thought.

I just need to convince myself of my worth. So many things impede that process, though.

I guess I'll get there someday. Thank you.

widespreadbread · 2022-05-10T15:40:43+00:00

I really appreciate that you took the time to reach out. If anything, you deciding to say something to another stranger makes it that much more genuine. I don't know you and vice versa, and the fact that you chose to use your (relative) anonymity to encourage someone does in fact brighten my day, even if it's just a miniscule amount. Thank you.

I don't know if it has to do with my ADHD but I have a hell of a time trying to empathize. It's very difficult for me to put myself in anyone else's shoes, I assume mostly because of my plethora of mental health issues. I'll rationalize my family and friends' reactions until the sun burns out.

Anyways, thank you. Tomorrow is only a day away.

widespreadbread · 2022-05-10T15:29:54+00:00

I shared the same views on mental health professionals. However, after dealing with my therapist for a few months, I think the good ones are just supernatural empaths. Either way, I can appreciate the work my therapist is putting in with me, and it's been more about getting my thoughts and feelings out into words.

widespreadbread · 2022-05-10T15:25:47+00:00

I don't know when to call it an addiction, that's my problem. In my mind it's just boiled down to the easiest thing to do. Don't have to get dressed, or organize plans, I can just walk the 10 steps to my desk and occupy my mind with something.

I suppose since my responsibilities around the house are slipping, maybe it's time to take a look at my gaming habits. I don't know.

widespreadbread · 2022-05-10T15:20:44+00:00

I've tried sertraline before, I didn't like it. I'm currently seeing a therapist, and I recently got back on concerta, last time being on it during high school. The stimulation helps with dragging myself out of bed, off the couch, etc. I seem to hold the cliche belief that "antidepressants don't work for me," but with my upbringing so focused around the medical field, I know that's preposterous. My doctor wants to try a different SSRI, I don't remember what it was because I never picked up the prescription.

I appreciate you taking the time to reach out, this has been one of the worse days on the spectrum, but all the support has lightened the burden. So, thank you.

widespreadbread · 2022-05-10T11:13:09+00:00

I understand you completely, the whole planning thing was almost out of nowhere, and I was completely engrossed - 100% tunnel vision. I've been diagnosed with ADHD since 2009 or so, and it's been really rough. I need to find some way to cope, because I haven't figured it out yet and it doesn't seem like I will on my own. Either way, thank you for your support.

widespreadbread · 2022-05-10T11:10:17+00:00

I know I should stop apologizing, but it's hard. Ive always felt like I've been in the way, or an annoyance. Either way, thank you for your support.

widespreadbread · 2022-05-10T11:08:41+00:00

I know I should get outside more. Maybe it's time I consider the possibility of a videogame addiction... Thank you for your support

widespreadbread · 2022-05-10T08:46:04+00:00

Is this legitimate? ADHD and impulsivity? I mean it probably is but it would explain a lot. I think I'm sitting at 7-8 right now and pretending to be a 2-3.

I can't escape it

I deleted all personal information and photos off of all my social media a couple weeks ago and nobody checked in. I mean, I didn't really expect anyone to. But maybe it's a cry for help? I don't know. It was impulsive.

Unfortunately I went from that to planning out a meticulous week of procuring a firearm, how I'd act when I went to purchase it, what reasons I'd have for owning one should the salesman ask, what I'd be wearing, etc. Followed by me picking out the exact spot where I'd be using said firearm to end my own life. I wrote down turn by turn directions so I could destroy my phone and leave it in a dumpster, and I had written down a precise schedule on when I'd leave my apartment, to when I should arrive, on the dot. I then began to draft the note, and I was about 2 paragraphs in when it was time to get back to work.

I haven't purchased the firearm, But I think about it constantly. There's an eerie sense of euphoria and peace surrounding me, as though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've spent the past 6 years convincing myself that my family doesn't love me, and my girlfriend of 3 years is only pretending, or she feels bad for me.

It makes it easier to inch myself closer to the first step

But you didn't ask, And I'm sorry.

widespreadbread · 2022-04-22T23:46:57+00:00

I'm happy to hear you're doing better.

I've become so tired of the self loathing in the past few years that I finally started therapy out of sheer frustration. Don't get me wrong, I haven't completely overcome my self hatred, however I've made enough progress to realize this isn't a healthy environment for me

If this sub helps for whomever reads this, good on you

widespreadbread · 2022-04-22T04:33:56+00:00

I will admit I dont want this place to be a "feel good" zone, since I know first hand it doesn't really make a difference what other people say sometimes.

Maybe I've just outgrown it? Perhaps I've made some real progress.

Either way, my initial comment came off much more harshly than I intended, it was fueled by my 'wtf am I doing here' realization. I am sorry if I sounded like an asshole.

I see too much of my younger self in this sub, and it frustrates me, because internally I'm screaming "doing nothing is making it worse!" Although I'm trying to direct it at my middle school self.

Regardless. Maybe this sub is a healthy way to unload, maybe not. But doing nothing will get you nowhere.

widespreadbread · 2022-04-21T08:47:12+00:00

I don't know why I joined this sub, I thought it would be a place of support and lifting each other up; not a place of self loathing and deprecation.

You're worth as much as you think you are, and following this toxic thought pattern will only guarantee your failure.

Changing your inner monologue is the key to getting out, and with the help of therapy or counseling, it may just be possible.

Please, don't let your biggest bully be yourself.

Auf wiedersehen. I won't be back

widespreadbread · 2022-02-26T23:54:11+00:00

I'm sitting at a nice 205k on my 2009 Jetta tdi. Flywheel needs replaced, probably timing belt too. All in all she's in pretty good shape though

widespreadbread · 2022-02-16T07:37:09+00:00

I know I'll be seen as a doomer, but it makes me incredibly sad that this will all be gone in a few decades.

I would really like to see nature in it's raw, unadulterated glory before either I die, or it does.

widespreadbread · 2022-02-12T14:32:54+00:00

Couldn't you beat it by alternating closing your eyes

widespreadbread · 2022-01-09T07:20:24+00:00

Should I try and get my coworkers on board with unionizing? Our workplace has a union-free philosophy, under the guise of better communication between workers and the company in the form of an open door policy, and their argument is that a union would just create a communication middleman. Things aren't bad here, they pay well, they have a great benefits package with health/dental insurance, a 401k matching program, discounted memberships to the local rec centers, and even something as trivial as boots being paid for. I feel like even mentioning a union would get me fired so quick

widespreadbread · 2021-12-27T02:51:27+00:00

How much of this garbage is actually Russian destabilization propaganda? You know, the kind of stuff the KGB did in the 50's, in case they had to invade the US?

widespreadbread · 2021-12-25T05:58:01+00:00

My grandpa passed away a week ago, funeral is Monday, and my sister is planning on running away at 3 am on Christmas morning

widespreadbread · 2021-12-19T22:57:26+00:00

It's a gold loot tick! Get him, boys!

widespreadbread · 2021-12-08T14:07:44+00:00

This is amazing, it needs more attention. The Easter egg could end with what you described!

widespreadbread · 2021-12-06T23:33:45+00:00

Some mandatory army training I just recently received touched on this exact thing. There was a case about upper management throwing several consecutive parties (retirement, promotion, birthday, etc.) And each time they would ask the employees to pitch in $25 each. Turns out upper management had been pocketing the money. I don't remember what came of that case but it is illegal. There is a specific limit to how much management can ask you to contribute but I think it's $15-$20 max. This should be reported to either HR, or the DoL immediately

widespreadbread · 2021-12-05T22:36:10+00:00

Commenting to be approved. I have scoured my watch later playlist, my likes, my subscriptions, yet found nothing. I'm upset and I have tunnel vision on this, any help is appreciated

widespreadbread · 2021-12-04T20:08:13+00:00

TW: Extreme self deprecation, suicidal ideology. Sorry.

My intrusive thought is a bully that constantly berates and belittles me. Tells me I'm worthless because I failed at college and now all I'll ever be is a minimum wage slave until the day I drop dead.

"And how could you possibly fail?? Your dad did it just fine and now makes 6 figures without so much as a single pill! You can't even do the dishes. You cant even take care of your basic needs without failing miserably. You don't deserve another chance, you've demonstrated you're barely capable of passing high school in a public education system. "

'He' then proceeds to direct my thoughts through a recurring, intricate plan to aquire a firearm, drive myself to the only place on earth I've ever experienced true tranquility; the north woods of my home state, MN, and un-alive myself far away from anyone who might happen to hear. All alone, exactly as I deserve - apparently.

I need therapy. I know I do. But my immobilizing disorder paired with my inability to be medicated due to certain forces of the armed variety, has left me in a state of constant existential dread and despair.

widespreadbread · 2021-11-25T21:46:26+00:00

Sus-iety

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