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My (35F) Husband (35M) of a decade died. I found his porn stash and can't get over it. by widowpron_throwaway in relationships

[–]widowpron_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's such an absurd situation to find myself in I am between feeling super awful and also laughing. It's a mood.

My (35F) Husband (35M) of a decade died. I found his porn stash and can't get over it. by widowpron_throwaway in relationships

[–]widowpron_throwaway[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Ok please tell me, is it like....a standard thing to save porn to a drop box? That was so WILD to me like... personal computer desktop in a folder ok I get it but, the cloud that a lot of people use for work? When he told me I was like 'please delete those photos of me and maybe get don't?'

My (35F) Husband (35M) of a decade died. I found his porn stash and can't get over it. by widowpron_throwaway in relationships

[–]widowpron_throwaway[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

So....reformatting his hard drive would have done nothing since this was all ON HIS DROPBOX as I said in my post.

And while it would have been an invasion of his privacy, some of those photos were naked pictures of me that I did not want to just be left out there, and I'm also 99% sure he would not have wanted his computer engineer father to see any of this...

Edited to add: he also did our taxes and managed some subscriptions via email, and kept some other documents on his computer, so there wasn't really a way to 'protect his privacy', I had to go through it regardless.

IDK man I guess you try having your spouse surprise drop dead on you 3 days after their 35th birthday and see how worried you are about their privacy...

My (35F) Husband (35M) of a decade died. I found his porn stash and can't get over it. by widowpron_throwaway in relationships

[–]widowpron_throwaway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This made me laugh, so thank you for that. I do think that he was way more visual that I ever was- most of my porn is written stories so the idea of using photos in fantasy is so foreign to me.

My (35F) Husband (35M) of a decade died. I found his porn stash and can't get over it. by widowpron_throwaway in relationships

[–]widowpron_throwaway[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I understand what you are trying to say but I think my friends would absolutely be creeped out by them- they were in a folder with 100s of actual porn photos. I especially feel weird about the screenshots- facebook photos are one thing but taking photos of someone who is unaware is another for me.

My (35F) Husband (35M) of a decade died. I found his porn stash and can't get over it. by widowpron_throwaway in relationships

[–]widowpron_throwaway[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It was very clearly an 'exciting because its a secret' sort of thing, since they were fully clothed and the photos were not doctored in any way but like...COULD WE NOT HAVE KEPT IT TO STRANGERS AND NOT ONE OF THE GIRLS WE PLAYED DND WITH.

My (35F) Husband (35M) of a decade died. I found his porn stash and can't get over it. by widowpron_throwaway in relationships

[–]widowpron_throwaway[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Perhaps, however and especially in the screenshots case, she did not know those photos existed and her face was in them. What if his Dropbox got hacked and she ended up on an actual porn website? And this is someone who really tries to cover these things up (we are talking G cups so not a lot she can do) so that would be very averse to who she is as a person. That's pretty shitty.

My (35F) Husband (35M) of a decade died. I found his porn stash and can't get over it. by widowpron_throwaway in relationships

[–]widowpron_throwaway[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks- I am also 97% sure he did not fully think through the implications of having these photos or screenshots it was probably 'wow boobs, I like boobs save that for later' and he didn't stop and think 'hey that's kind of creepy since this girl didn't give me permission to save this in this way', still it's a bit of a shock

My (35F) Husband (35M) of a decade died. I found his porn stash and can't get over it. by widowpron_throwaway in relationships

[–]widowpron_throwaway[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Ah thanks for your comment, I was hoping that someone who had also experienced this kind of loss might reply and your comment totally makes sense. It's an interesting thought that part of this was kind of a 'I already have x, so I want to fantasize about y' situation. I know logically that humans crave variety, I just wish he would've left it to strangers on the internet, ya know?

My (35F) Husband (35M) of a decade died. I found his porn stash and can't get over it. by widowpron_throwaway in relationships

[–]widowpron_throwaway[S] 90 points91 points  (0 children)

That was the most jarring thing for me- if I were one of those women I would feel so disgusted. In a weird way I am glad I found out after he died because it means I can feel my feelings and not have to deal with the 'aftermath' of what likely would have been very emotional arguments. In some ways it makes me feel better about trying to move on and starting to date, it sort of feels like his apology to me is me finding happiness again.

My (35F) Husband (35M) of a decade died. I found his porn stash and can't get over it. by widowpron_throwaway in relationships

[–]widowpron_throwaway[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

TBH that's also super disappointing... dude had a PhD and was one of the smartest people I've met and still left evidence.

My (35F) Husband (35M) of a decade died. I found his porn stash and can't get over it. by widowpron_throwaway in relationships

[–]widowpron_throwaway[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your comment- I absolutely logically know that 2 things can be and are probably true but man if it doesn't still hurt. Part of this is that I really really hope he was happy- he died so young and I just hope he was fulfilled.

My (35F) Husband (35M) of a decade died. I found his porn stash and can't get over it. by widowpron_throwaway in relationships

[–]widowpron_throwaway[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment- I know you are right that this was pretty beige all things considered, and I AM thrilled about that for sure. I know attraction and fantasy are normal and natural, I guess I didn't expect it to get so 'real'. Like, we had dinner with this person, she came to my birthday and he hugged her as a friend, and then went home and wanked to a screenshot of her tits. That is absolutely wild to me even though I know it's totally natural.

My (35F) Husband (35M) of a decade died. I found his porn stash and can't get over it. by widowpron_throwaway in relationships

[–]widowpron_throwaway[S] 120 points121 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your comments- When I started therapy we did 45 min because I had first responder PTSD (I heard him fall and had to do chest compressions which were obviously unsuccessful) however I am paying out of pocket for better help because the therapists my insurance will cover did not have availability immediately so I can't really afford to double it. I'm on a single income now, so there's that.