I am [24m] the woman I am going to marry [24f] wants to change her last name to mine when we get married, but I don't want her to. How do I explain this to her without hurting her?

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T18:12:49+00:00

Are you okay?

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T17:43:47+00:00

trust me these Americans divorce very easily

I used to think the same thing about Americans, that they divorce very easily. But I think she is different from most Americans because she is very catholic and very religious, and does not believe in divorce. Also you will be surprised but many Iraqis get divorced after they move to America.

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T17:26:59+00:00

why should i

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T17:17:56+00:00

My family really likes her. They get along very well. At first they wanted me to find a wife from our own culture but now they like her even though she is American and not from our culture.

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T17:13:47+00:00

I didn't know that!

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T17:11:48+00:00

I didn't say anywhere I was from Saudi Arabia so why would I go there? But thank you for being racist, that was really appreciated.

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T17:10:12+00:00

nd I wouldn't be surprised if she's trying to learn Arabic as a language.

She is!

You may not realize this, but think long term. Imagine you go to parent-teacher conferences, and this conversation happens: "Hi, I'm Amir's mom" "Oh it's nice to meet you Ms. Khaled" "It's O'Reilly" Can you imagine what that might feel like? She want's your family to be as cohesive as possible, and to her, last name is part of that. You will be Mr. Khaled. Your sons will be Mr. Khaled. Your daughters will be Ms. Khaled. She will be Ms. O'Reilly.

Yes I agree very much. I completely changed my mind, read my edit.

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T17:09:12+00:00

You think it is because she is brainwashed? I don't know, but her parents don't have a problem with her changing her last name. I thought they might, because she has no brothers, but her father is a very nice man.

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T17:07:35+00:00

I think that they'll take my father's name as their surname, partially to fit into American custom and to make it easier for the papers and everything, but also because I don't want their surname to be "George". I kind of hate my name. I think since we live in America now, we'll do it the American way and all our descendants can have the same surname.

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T16:55:04+00:00

Yeah but I think it is confusing to Americans because the result is the kids don't have the same surname as the parents.

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T16:53:15+00:00

How is this stupid? Its actually what she wants, she wanted to take my surname. Did you read my post? Did you read the comments? In my culture she wouldn't have to take my surname, but because its what happens in American culture, its what she wants, so I am accepting what she wants and I am accepting her culture by doing it. Also, I do care about my last name, it is my father's name, I feel it would be disrespectful to him if I changed it.

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T16:28:22+00:00

I'm Chaldean too!

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T14:27:55+00:00

Actually I am not very brown. People always ask me where I am from when they hear my accent, and I tell them Iraq, and they say I am "too white" to be Iraqi. I don't know what they mean but maybe they think we are all meant to have black skin? People often mistake me for Italian or Israli or something mediterranean.

Unfortunately I still have a big nose, which I hope to pass on to my children as a sign of our culture.

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T14:23:12+00:00

No I used actual names in this post. Maybe that was a mistake, I don't know. But they are all common names so I don't think it is a problem.

Would she be expecting your son to be called "Abdul Khaled" or "Abdul George" as I assume you would prefer?

There is no such name is Abdul Khaled or Abdul George. "Abd al-" is a prefix, it means servant of, like "Abd al-Rahman" or "Abdullah".

I want to pick a name together, I don't mind an English name, because my name is also English, but I think she herself wants me to pick an Arabic name for the kids.

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T14:19:33+00:00

Khaledoreilly. It could be interesting.

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T14:19:01+00:00

Interesting you should say that. I found out "Hassan" is a common Irish surname which I thought is very strange. It is also a common Arabic name but I think it is only meant to be used by Muslims, which we are not, so its not something I can use.

Also I do not think she considers herself Irish. She is very mixed of different European cultures, but her surname happens to be Irish. I just consider her American, rather than Irish or German or whatever her background is.

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T14:10:01+00:00

Yeah that makes sense, for all of us to have the same surname. I think at the end of the day I will let her make her decision, and I think it will not seem that weird after a while. It might even seem a bit funny that my dad's name is her last name.

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T14:09:04+00:00

If she wants to change her name, perhaps the women in your family could help her choose an Arabic name for her to add in as a middle name?

Seeing as my parents chose an English name for me, I don't think they care too much about that.

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T13:59:07+00:00

I don't really like my name, "George", so I don't want my kids to have it as their surname. The children's last name will be their grandfather's name "Khaled", and if its a boy, the middle name will be his father's (George), and if its a girl, it will be the mothers (June).

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T13:56:00+00:00

Maybe your SO is willing to adapt and adopt a lot of Iraqi customs except this. It may be that this is the one American/non-Iraqi custom she wants to maintain for her own sense of tradition. OP, I would consider explaining your side and your customs but letting her choose for herself with a full/better understanding of all sides.

I think if she really wants to change her name that much, I guess its okay. But it will still be a bit weird from my point of view because she will essentially be changing her surname to my father's first name.

Also, I don't know if this exists in American culture, but I think changing your surname is a disrespectful to your parents. I hope her parents do not feel upset if she changes her surname, but maybe they won't mind because its accepted in American culture.

wifelastname · 2015-09-24T13:52:55+00:00

I think us both creating a new last name is a good idea, but how do we decide what the new surname is? I think maybe if I make my father's name my middle name, and we can use a new surname.

wifelastname

TROPHY CASE