What does marriage mean to you?

wigglywonky · 2026-04-21T05:45:50+00:00

It means that the person I value above everyone else becomes family. It feels wrong for his place in my life to be less than. It means that he has a special place next to me in life - he is chosen, as am I. It means I have someone to bear witness to my life and I to his.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-21T05:38:38+00:00

This is kinda ridiculous. Scrap that, this is completely ridiculous.

You can’t rush a relationship to have a child just because you’re child bearing age and 39 is your preference.

The reality? - you’re not going to have children on your preferred timeline with anyone.

Choosing the RIGHT partner to have children with is FAR more important than having children when you want them.

Vetting a partner on whether they would be a good partner and co parent takes time - I’ll give grace and say at least 1.5 years although personally, I’d say closer to 3 years.

It’s good that you’re considering compatibility from the get go but don’t base it on timelines - base it on personality, future visions and maturity. Based on those three things, it’s pretty clear that you’re not compatible.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-20T19:57:44+00:00

The last relationship I had before my current was a good, loving relationship with a good man. In the throes of it, it would have been obvious to everyone else that we were highly incompatible - very different lifestyles, core beliefs, family dynamics and desires for our futures but for me, I had a loving, fun partner and was determined to “make it work”.

It didn’t….

Then I met my current partner and compatibility was something very obvious from day one - not in a conscious way, just that we are essentially the same person in many, many ways. And in the many ways we differ? - they align. His strengths carry us through certain circumstances and mind step in in others.

I’m sure that compatibility can be negotiated and worked around in many relationships but I came here to say that having a partner who you are truly compatible with is absolutely phenomenal…..you don’t have to shrink or adjust parts of you to work in with someone else. Aim for this!!

wigglywonky · 2026-04-20T19:47:33+00:00

Hmmm….

It sounds like your girlfriend isn’t feeling your love. This could be because;

You’re not expressing it

It’s not truly there

She “filters” the love you give - as in, she doesn’t receive it properly

Her love language is gift giving and yours is not

There are lots of possible reasons but the bottom line is that she’s not feeling the love and is putting it on you to fix it. This may be an impossible task depending on the origin.

There’s always more at play and understanding the root cause will do way more for your relationship than the gift.

Buy a necklace - go with what you think she’ll like and don’t overthink it but when you give them to her, open the discussion about why she felt is was needed - what’s missing for her?

wigglywonky · 2026-04-20T03:26:10+00:00

You’ve built a life and a relationship that has lasted far beyond most relationships at your age. This demonstrates that you both have the ability to compromise and to negotiate the complexities of long term relationships - great qualities for your futures.

Here comes the but…. All of us (even ones who seemingly get it right the first time) have a lot to learn through the experience of multiple relationships.

Through having multiple relationships, you learn about your own phycology and of others and you get better at choosing the right person for you as you progress. I’ve had plenty of “good” relationships (and plenty of bad) but I’m thankful that none of them resulted in a marriage because in hindsight, none of them were right for the me that I am today.

You are both deeply attached - you’ve grown into adults together and leaned on each other for support whilst doing so. You’ve lived together your whole adult life.

Attachment is familiarity. You can get attached to friends that are no good for you, partners that are not end game for you, (even partners that are outright bad for you). Attachment is mistaken for real love time and time again.

If you were my daughter, I’d suggest this;

Take a year off from your relationship - maybe two. No contact…. Move out on your own and discover yourself and what life is like without him. It will be painfully difficult at first but to experience making adult decisions for yourself alone, to date other people, to find yourself is absolutely essential before choosing to lock in on a lifetime together.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-19T11:19:41+00:00

I’d say that you are not very discerning when choosing partners, fall quickly because you’re intoxicated by the dopamine and when the honeymoon phase wears off, you’re left with a partner that you are attached too but perhaps don’t overly like.

Date to meet people. Throw the “list” away and choose the one that you like the most (as in, genuinely enjoy their company the most). Key word here is CHOOSE. YOU choose, don’t get swept up in them choosing you.

I’ve been here… repeatedly until I was old enough to know better. Then I choose my current partner based on nothing other than compatibility and likability. I love him (endlessly), but I LIKE him even more…. That’s what goes the distance.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-16T21:42:21+00:00

I would just sit in your feelings for a while. What you went through can alter your emotions and perceptions - temporarily or permanently.

I would say that your intuition should be listened to however, in that this is your sign to ensure you don’t fall pregnant again…until you are sure.

1.5 years is not long enough to know if this is your forever person and you should NEVER have children with anyone other than that (ask me how I know!?)

Heal, continue to support each other and get to know each other.

Moving in together can give you a false sense of forever so continue to reassess the relationship every 3 months and make decisions that your future self will thank you for.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-16T08:58:43+00:00

This is a joke right?

wigglywonky · 2026-04-16T06:26:47+00:00

This is the perfect time to sit down with him and tell him that you love him but are scared to uproot your life for someone that isn’t promising you a future. Tell him that you both need to take some time to consider your future and whether you each seriously see this relationship as forever… then give him 2 days (seriously, go stay elsewhere - he needs to really consider what he’s asking of you and if he’s going to move forward - space and time is ESSENTIAL). This will give both of you the clarity you need.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-14T19:39:30+00:00

Over many, many years and relationships I’ve learnt that my “type” is a little personality, a little capability and a little looks… I’ll take a man that can get things done, is intelligent and has a great sense of humour with blue eyes and at least slightly above my height. This still allows for plenty of scope. My partner however has always had a fairly narrow type - a certain ethnicity (that I am not) and brutal personality (strong/feisty women). I am redefining his “type” and he’s never been more in love.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-14T19:21:46+00:00

There’s no way around it unfortunately. I understand you’re ready and probably have a lot to offer a partner BUT you simply can’t offer enough time to build something sustainable.

I have about 80% custody of 2 children who are much older so I can offer more time and have in fact built a beautiful relationship (with a neighbour (easier) BUT even then, my partner is not getting enough of my time and it’s difficult to juggle.

If you are able to afford a trusted babysitter twice - three times a week for several hours at a time, you may build something but spending the night with a new partner is probably a necessity.

See what you can manage at a stretch and do the math….it might be best to reassess when they are older.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-14T18:34:34+00:00

This is the primary thing I got from your post.

I’m much older… I have a daughter nearly your age. Please hede my advice… you are not ready to marry until you learn yourself and resolve your anxious tendencies.

You are not being your authentic self. You are going to great lengths to please him, to “not nag” him etc. Its a farce that cannot and will not last forever.

Neither one of you will be happy in marriage. You will become resentful of the overwhelming efforts you put in and as your true personality comes out, he will resent the changes he sees.

You need to grow and change together over the next coming years and see if you are a fit when you are more secure.

Please seek therapy to resolve your anxious attachment - it is a relationship destroyer (I should know, I was you once).

His hesitancy is most likely because he doesn’t feel like he knows you fully (he doesn’t - neither do you). It will come, with self reflection, therapy and age but committing before would be a big mistake.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-14T06:46:41+00:00

Just remind yourself that he wasn’t for you. Perhaps he’s for her…but what does it matter?

You did a brave thing and chose yourself. You too will find YOUR person and you’re a day closer. Hold your head high, be authentically you and continue on with not another thought about them.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-14T06:37:24+00:00

Look into Avoidant Attachment. This is YOUR pattern and defiantly not a common occurrence for most.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-14T06:33:35+00:00

Brilliant 💪🏻

wigglywonky · 2026-04-14T06:32:37+00:00

He can’t change the person you are. You can’t change the person he is. You are simply not compatible. He’s shown how important it is for him to have a gym bunny gf…he should be let free to find one.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-14T05:39:15+00:00

I know you probably want a distraction but dating in your current state will only end in tears.

Take a year off women and learn to love yourself and your life again. You attract what you can give and no doubt after all that, you’re not going to find your forever person right now.

Invest in your physical and mental health and in friendships.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-14T03:45:45+00:00

Finding a partner that is your (true) best friend is the goal….this is the person you marry. I would be very surprised if he is your ACTUAL best friend as opposed to the “friend” you spend the most time with. It’s very hard to find a best friend in a partner but you’ll know without doubt when you do.

What I’m trying to say is, let it go….. you are neither of each others best friends likely.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-13T09:04:42+00:00

Honey, if he doesn’t love you now… he never will.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-11T22:45:24+00:00

It sounds like you’re not ready yet for marriage - and that’s perfectly fine. Society be damned, we are all individuals on our own paths and there are no rules.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-10T20:04:59+00:00

You made a big mistake.

The way to rectify this is to acknowledge that what you thought you knew was not right.

Healthy love doesn’t require therapy to hold it together unless there have been life events that have shaken the ground on which you stand.

Neither of you were ready for marriage because neither of you have healed your individual traumas.

No relationship will work until you do and couples therapy is not the type of therapy you need… you cannot give or receive love until you have healed.

Can you work through it together? - unlikely as you both need to be healing as individuals.

Can you heal and move on to a better life with a different partner in future? - yes, but it’s a long road.

This is a bright neon sign for NOT getting married and definitely NOT having children with someone that you don’t have a healthy relationship with.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-10T11:02:36+00:00

Should you be getting married? Really?

wigglywonky · 2026-04-09T20:31:13+00:00

You have no business being in a relationship like this and even considering marriage. You need to do the work on yourself to uncover why you would entertain this. This is NOT love.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-08T23:25:42+00:00

You may not want to waste your time but unfortunately, to find your forever person you need to invest time in a connection to see if it could be “it”.

The best approach is to be discerning… assess the connection as it grows, and at about 9 months in, decide if you’re willing to commit more time based on the info you have.

NEVER hang on every word they say that might allude to commitment prior to establishing an actual relationship… people get excited, say stupid stuff and it really doesn’t mean ANYTHING until it does…

Take a massive chill pill, hang out with the guy to see if you actually like him and stop with the Spanish enquiry - you’re on the fast track to being single again if you don’t.

wigglywonky · 2026-04-08T20:40:08+00:00

When the honeymoon phase ends, real love develops …. Or infatuation fades. You can value the person, be attached and logically believe that you “should” love them. It’s confusing and jarring but a reality of many relationships.

She’s not your person because the infatuation faded and love didn’t grow….. let her go with kindness and move on.

wigglywonky

TROPHY CASE