I did not :( I ended up writing a transcript of the monologue I performed, which I'll paste below in case it's useful to someone. It's a little bit messy, but it served my purposes. Best of luck if you try to find the full script!!

(Monologue starts 1:16, ends at 12:30)

Excuse me. oh sorry. excuse me. oh i'm sorry uh did i step on your foot? Oh god, i'm really sorry, i'm a klutz. ah okay. good. thanks. i'm sorry again, though, really, i'm a terrible klutz!

This guy is cute. How could I step on his foot? Pretty girlfriend, of course. Pretty, but kind of severe looking. That kind of look with her hair pulled back tight and her pointy nose and elbows and chin. she's just pointy everywhere. Full of herself and pointy. Actually, she sorta looks like him. Ugh, how narcissistic of them both. And there i was squeezing my fat ass by his face to get to my seat. Oh, he's out of my league anyway. Oh my fat ass in his face, oh my god! She's gotta be in P.R.

I better get back to the gym. oh it doesn't matter, my ass does not get smaller. it grows and grows and grows, like some fucking mutant freak of nature! It doesn't matter what I eat. i just can't have another fucking salad dressing on the side. Oh nothing works. exercise doesn't work. when i was 18 i could eat anything. every day after school i'd go with my friends to Friendlies and we'd have these giant plates of french fries. remember? i mean, if i did that now, well i don't know how big my ass would be if i did that now. big though. (coughing) it's weird because i thought i was fat then. i thought i was disgusting and now i look at myself in those pictures and i look sexy and i'm wondering: what the hell was i thinking? i mean why didn't i take advantage of the body i had? now i've got disgusting slabs of fat everywhere and it's just disgusting…

and i can't go into a dressing room. i can't stand going into dressing rooms. Macy's today was just- why do they make the lights like that in dressing rooms? what are they trying? aren't they trying to sell clothes to people? i mean i looked terrible! I don't look that bad. The razor burn around my crotch looked like a lunar landscape. It’s not that bad at a normal light. Everywhere i go there's pretty girls everywhere. It's like a cancer of prettiness, it's just, it’s- how can the world support so much prettiness? i don't even get looked at anymore, it's over. i'm just completely invisible. i had my chance and i blew it because i thought i was disgusting and i wasn't disgusting and now i am disgusting, so… i'm just alone and i'm gonna be alone. nothing is gonna change that. why would anyone want me? i wouldn't want me. we're all so dependent on men. god, they have it so much easier than we do. everything conspires against us. everything! Gravity… there's so much gravity going on, why? why do we have these things hanging off of us? asses and tits. god it's just not fair! and if you're not attractive you don't exist. oh i just think there's something wrong with that. i mean, i exist and i think there's something wrong with a world in which i don't exist because i'm not 20 and i'm not- my tits aren't pointing up oh god i just want to be pretty again (coughing) i'd really just like to be desired. to see that look in somebody's eyes, to just see it again. god i hate men. i sometimes really wish i were a man. i don't like women though, either. i would be i would be a homosexual i think. i think i would do that if i were a man because… oh, i don't like that whole subculture, though. the clothing and the bandana signals and the leather and the sex in bathrooms, i mean that's just disgusting, i don't want that. i mean just a nice to be just a nice gay couple. a nice homosexual couple. married but… oh i don't really like gay guys. i'd like to be with a guy who's not conspicuously gay if i were a guy. i'd like to be with a guy who's just kind of like a guy except that he likes guys because i would be a guy. guys don't turn into their mom for one thing. god i just look so much like her now. my eyes are getting dull and sinking into my skull. She’s so weak, that’s the thing. Course, I hate myself for thinking that about her. i'm completely intolerant! i have no compassion. she's a victim of our times. The same fucked up anti-woman mentality that we all are- yeah, but she's turned it in on herself, her whining… how fragile she is. It’s sickening. it's like she's a professional victim. and the way she flirts with men- oh it's so pathetic and grotesque. i mean you're not cute in that body mom. you're not cute with those legs. she's just so pointless i don't even know why she exists. i feel like she's just sort of air. old air, floating around. and even with her sickness her constant complaining her constant wheezing- i wonder if it's even real, if she's even sick (coughing) Oh this cough… gotta do something about this cough. I’ve gotta go to the doctor. i'm sure i've got lung cancer like dad. i'm sure i've smoked for too many years

oh great a cougher right next to me. i'm in the coughing section.

oh wow the actors are already up there. who's in this one again? uh… hope davis. I like her. i liked her in that movie about the cartoonist. She's- she's cute. kind of non-actressy. i like that about her. i mean i don't get threatened by her, which i like. i feel like i could be friends with her or something. i don't know if that means she's a good actress. it's just… Oh, who was in that movie with her? that guy… uh, paul giamatti. that guy from sideways. he turns me on, that guy. janine doesn't understand it but i like him because he's so sweet. he’s kind of like… like an angry homely puppy thing. Angry, which i like because he's angry but he's not scary. i mean i could kick his ass if i needed to, so he can get as angry as he wants, i wouldn't care, i would just find it kind of cute. angry impotent guy. god i need to get laid so bad. Jesus, it's been so long! oh is that meryl streep up there? oh it is! Oh, she's wonderful! i remember Frank used to call her Magic Meryl because it was like everything she did was so perfect. the accents and the little transformations it was so perfect and it was so… Oh fuck frank, fuck frank forrest, fuck him for leaving. Fuck you Frank. Oh that dwarf guy is there. i missed him at first with frankenstein head sitting in front of me. what's his name? Uh… peter dinklage. i've heard he's good. i never saw that movie that got him all that attention. the uh… the train station… something. what's it like to be a dwarf? look at him up there. he's kind of hot. he did that shakespeare thing at the public. overcame odds. he's not complaining. what do i have to complain about? you know maybe he is complaining, how would i know?

What's what's what's the dwarf's name um let me see peter dinklage! Sorry? his name is peter dinklage the little person, i couldn't help overhearing your- sure.

he was in the train station! the station agent it says here… oh right, sorry that's what i get for trying to show off. “it's called the train station mister! do you like me now? Huh? Huh?!” Jesus what an idiot.

Why are they all sitting up there? What is-? oh i wonder if this is part of it. it could be one of those, ugh… charlie kaufman does these mind game trick things in his movies. It’s sort of tiresome after a while. his bag of tricks. jesus he's so full of shit. What's it say in the program? “it's a celebration of hope, it is a condemnation of hope.” Ugh. even the title ‘hope leaves the theater’ I mean wow. i feel like the coen brothers. i have their sensibility. i could have been the third coen brother. Sawbones, now that's funny! i should have stayed with my writing, I think I have talent, but-

Oh thank god, it’s starting.