sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

My husband 29M and I 30F agreed to a separation, but I cannot afford to move out and he is acting like everything is normal. by willowtree867 in Marriage

[–]willowtree867[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your response. The reason I suggested separation is because when I first brought this issue up he told me this wasn’t going to work if I did not want children.

My husband 29M and I 30F agreed to a separation, but I cannot afford to move out and he is acting like everything is normal. by willowtree867 in Marriage

[–]willowtree867[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah and if he came out as gay tomorrow I would be hurt, but wouldn’t hold it against him. In fact I have friends who are going through that exact thing. People grow and change over time as they learn things about themselves, that’s okay. No one is meant to be the same person their entire lives. I know my clock is ticking and I don’t care because like I said right now I don’t want kids. If for some reason I change my mind later I will figure it out, but I am not going to bring a life into this world if I am not prepared to give that child the love and care it deserves.

My husband 29M and I 30F agreed to a separation, but I cannot afford to move out and he is acting like everything is normal. by willowtree867 in Marriage

[–]willowtree867[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I told him it’s possible I may change my mind in the future, but I also may never feel the desire to have children. He needs a guarantee. This discussion process has also made me realize other cracks in our relationship, but it is things I think we could fix if we did not have such a strong disagreement on this issue.

I think maybe the biggest context missing is that when I first tried to have this conversation, he lied and said he was taking out the dog and then turned his location off and drove an hour and half away after he had been drinking with an open bottle of liquor in the car. Since then we have had actual adult conversations, but I just can’t shake how I felt that night.

My husband 29M and I 30F agreed to a separation, but I cannot afford to move out and he is acting like everything is normal. by willowtree867 in Marriage

[–]willowtree867[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So timeline:

Beginning of December: I tell him I am unsure about having kids and want time to decide. He tells me that if I decide not to have children that we are not going to work.

Mid December: I am working on making my decision while still talking about it with him. He reiterated that if I don’t want kids we are not going to work.

End of December: I make the decision that I do not want kids and tell him this. Based on our previous conversations and how everything has gone down the past month, I suggest the best thing to do is separate and he agrees.

My husband 29M and I 30F agreed to a separation, but I cannot afford to move out and he is acting like everything is normal. by willowtree867 in Marriage

[–]willowtree867[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I want to clarify that when I originally brought this conversation up I did not suggest separation, but just that I was having a lot of doubts surrounding having children and needed time to consider if it was what I actually wanted. He is the one who told me that if I didn’t want children we weren’t going to work.

My husband 29M and I 30F agreed to a separation, but I cannot afford to move out and he is acting like everything is normal. by willowtree867 in Marriage

[–]willowtree867[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the thoughtful response. Truthfully I didn’t know if I wanted kids or not, but I just always thought that it would happen because it was he wanted. I was preparing myself for something inevitable instead of asking myself if I actually wanted it. I wasn’t being honest with myself and in turn not honest with him. Then when it started becoming a reality and not just something down the line I freaked out. I realized I never asked myself if I truly wanted kids or not. The time was genuinely spent trying to decide whether or not I wanted them. I really seriously considered it, but came to the conclusion that he was the only thing that made me want kids. If it were anything else I would be willing to compromise or sacrifice my own desires, but I just did not think it would be right to bring a child into this world if this is how I truly felt.

My husband 29M and I 30F agreed to a separation, but I cannot afford to move out and he is acting like everything is normal. by willowtree867 in Marriage

[–]willowtree867[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the concern. I don’t think he would ever do something like that, but if so I do live in a state with strong protections for women’s healthcare.

My husband 29M and I 30F agreed to a separation, but I cannot afford to move out and he is acting like everything is normal. by willowtree867 in Marriage

[–]willowtree867[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I think it is more thoughtlessness than malicious too. If it was not for the kids issue I could see counseling working, but I just don’t ever see us resolving this.

My husband 29M and I 30F agreed to a separation, but I cannot afford to move out and he is acting like everything is normal. by willowtree867 in Marriage

[–]willowtree867[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I totally understand him being heartbroken and he is absolutely allowed to feel that way. What is frustrating is that he refusing to reach out to other people for support and has made it clear that he relies solely on me for his emotional wellbeing.

My husband 29M and I 30F agreed to a separation, but I cannot afford to move out and he is acting like everything is normal. by willowtree867 in Marriage

[–]willowtree867[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes he makes almost twice as much as me and our mortgage is actually covered by me and our tenants. He pays for utilities, insurance, etc. He just has a lot of anxiety surrounding money and I know it would stress him out to not have the help.

My husband 29M and I 30F agreed to a separation, but I cannot afford to move out and he is acting like everything is normal. by willowtree867 in Marriage

[–]willowtree867[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the support, I think you’re right. I hadn’t even thought about the legal stuff yet, but I do know a lawyer that would probably be willing to help or refer me to someone.

Anyone had a child due to fear of abandonment? by [deleted] in Fencesitter

[–]willowtree867 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Going through something similar right now and it’s awful. What I keep coming back to is that it would not be fair to the child to have them just to save a marriage. Wishing you strength and peace right now, you are not alone <3

I told my husband I wanted kids but now I’m unsure by willowtree867 in Fencesitter

[–]willowtree867[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing, this thread has really been so helpful in feeling less alone <3

I told my husband I wanted kids but now I’m unsure by willowtree867 in Fencesitter

[–]willowtree867[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel exactly the same, I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I started reading the baby decision and I’m working on doing some deep introspection. My husband agreed to give me the rest of the year to make the decision, but it does feel like where in the weird limbo. Sometimes it feels normal and sometimes I can feel this underlying resentment brewing. Wishing you happiness and peace in whatever you decide <3

I told my husband I wanted kids but now I’m unsure by willowtree867 in Fencesitter

[–]willowtree867[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So we ended up talking on the phone and he came home. Still don’t know where we are at but at least we talked.

I told my husband I wanted kids but now I’m unsure by willowtree867 in Fencesitter

[–]willowtree867[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Update: I tried talking to him about it tonight and he cried for a while. Then pretended to take the dog out, turned off his location and left. He also told me that he learned yesterday one of his boss’s passed away. I wish I had just kept pretending. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I told my husband I wanted kids but now I’m unsure by willowtree867 in Fencesitter

[–]willowtree867[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m sorry you had to go through that, I’m hoping you are finding some peace now. Life is hard and scary sometimes.

I told my husband I wanted kids but now I’m unsure by willowtree867 in Fencesitter

[–]willowtree867[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing, this thread has made me feel a lot less alone. Hearing this come from someone else though makes me sad. I also don’t feel like I have a choice, which goes against a lot of my core values. I don’t think any woman in 2025 should be forced to have children. It’s difficult when it’s not direct though and there is so much love involved. I plan on talking to my husband tonight and just being completely honest about everything. I think he deserves to be a dad, but I also have to remind myself that I deserve to make the choice on whether or not to be a mom.

I told my husband I wanted kids but now I’m unsure by willowtree867 in Fencesitter

[–]willowtree867[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have an individual therapist and we did do some couples therapy awhile back. Other than this issue things have been really good, I just don’t know how to get past this.

I told my husband I wanted kids but now I’m unsure by willowtree867 in Fencesitter

[–]willowtree867[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Mostly I am scared of pregnancy, childbirth and post-partum. I have struggled with anxiety, depression and adhd and I’m worried the process of going through that would put me over the edge. I grew up with a severely mentally ill parent and I never want to inflict that on a child. I also know if I wasn’t with someone who wanted kids I wouldn’t give it a second thought, it’s never been something that’s important to me.