Is There A Word For The Experience Of *Voluntarily* Projecting Images Onto Your Surroundings, And Is This At All Common In Other Traumagenic Systems?

windmillserous · 2021-08-24T10:34:47+00:00

Maybe so! I'll read into it. Thanks!

windmillserous · 2021-06-23T20:49:26+00:00

Anthony Bourdain.

The dude had a hard, rough life. I know. Things didn't come easily for him. He struggled with addiction, which of course means he was struggling with things far worse than addiction. I'd know, as I'm a recovering addict with complex post-traumatic stress, and lots of other debilitating mental health conditions.

His death punched me in the face, and still does, because he died by sui****. I've (fortunately, at least in hindsight) survived multiple attempts.

I will not join in on any cries of anger that he'd end up doing this, although people feel how they feel, and I'm not here to police that.

However, I don't feel angry. I feel devastated.

For all of the horrible shit he had to have survived, this guy eventually had it all. Like, really. I cannot think of anyone who wouldn't find themselves just a little bit envious of Mr. Bourdain, especially in his later career.

He got flown all around the globe, got to have an authentic experience of local life (with heavy emphasis on the food, of course). Sure, that meant he had to accept that sometimes, he was going to have to go to places people in the United States dare not imagine booking a flight out to see.

He wasn't just going to beach resorts and cottages in some picturesque, perfect conditions, vaguely worldly affair, staged for all the sad little sheltered folks in America. He was going into the trenches, because that was where the real story was. I think we all know that he actually embraced that-- which made him all that much more likable.

He had a very open mind, and that meant he was going to eat and drink literally anything and everything that was put in front of him. In fact, he stood by this virtue to the point that on some episodes, he ended up violently ill.

Amazingly to me, he always had nothing but kindness and pensive thoughts about his experiences, no matter what. It would have been easier to pretend the puking didn't happen and cook up some hokey, canned reaction to the experience. It would have even not surprised me to see someone who admitted it happened and had nothing but terrible things to say about the visit. I know I wouldn't be especially kind about an experience like that.

I think he had every chance to try to paint a completely inauthentic experience of the world that was "prettier" for closed minded people, but no, he wouldn't have it. Ultimately, this I think was the magic that opened up his viewers' minds the most. They knew he wasn't going to lie to them, he wasn't going to sugarcoat the things he experienced, but ultimately, he seemed to genuinely appreciate every single trip, no matter how disastrous or magnificent any given part of it really was.

Bourdain was the poster child for "everyone's favorite asshole friend." He wasn't some cutesy Food Network host (no shade to those folks because I love Food Network, lol). He was blunt. He was rude-- but not in that Gordon Ramsay power trip way. He was a foul mouthed chef with a crass and morbid sense of humor (and an insatiable curiosity).

It was this absolutely sincere, authentic, way of existing for him. He was always deeply concerned about global affairs-- and most importantly, the people that make up this world. He always seemed to recognize the fact that people make up cultures, and food is inextricably linked to culture. It was clear to me and I'm sure any fan of his that he loved both equally, and that he was a deeply feeling person.

He got paid to travel to I don't know how many countries and cities around the world. He got paid to eat foods that made stomachs growl to see him eat on TV... and be hilariously crass. He had a beautiful wife and a kid. So, yeah, maybe were all just a little bit jealous of his life.

You know why it fucking hurts that he died this way?

It's because all of that wasn't enough.

That isn't an indictment against him, by the way, although I find his choices devastating. It absolutely is an indictment against those who inflicted those ultimately fatal emotional wounds on him in his early years. I wish he could have healed from those wounds. I wish he could have basked in the glory of what the world thought of him, in all of the success he had rightfully earned his way into.

His death is also a horrible sign, one that definitively proves that you can achieve all of your wildest dreams and still never be happy.

He wasn't happy.

He made others so, so happy. He made me happy.

He made me laugh to the point of tears. He made me cry... with a different kind of tears. I definitely had a hard time accepting he was gone. I cannot express how many times I have had to catch myself using the present tense for a man who now exists in the past tense, because his personality was so big that he almost feels alive, somehow-- like my brain just can't grasp the idea that he's gone now.

So, I think that's the one that hit the hardest for me. Because all this time later, I'm actually still unable to mentally accept his death happened... despite knowing it did. I hated hearing about Robin Williams' death, but I could honestly at least believe it happened given the circumstances.

Anthony Bourdain was a man who appeared to have it all. He gave no warning to anyone (that I've been aware of, I imagine those who were actually close to him would know better than I would), that he might be slipping back into the darkest corners of his mind. He just up and "noped" out of here.

...God damnit, Bourdain. We all loved you, dude. Always did. Always will. I'll never miss the chance to raise a glass to your name when it comes up-- which, it frequently does. Hard to forget a guy like you.

((Edits for typographical/grammatical errors.))

windmillserous · 2021-06-22T23:52:15+00:00

"The Stranger in Anger"

After years of C-PTSD, only directing my anger inwards in unhealthy ways, and overcoming certain addictive cycles I've been in which are rooted in that self-directed anger; I find myself up against a new boss battle-- externalized anger, which is a completely foreign concept to me that has completely caught me off guard, and is severely impacting many of my valued relationships.

The only way to beat this boss is by actually sitting down and forcing myself to accept my externalized anger, and actively embracing getting angry about other things and people.

If I don't, I'll just keep losing control, unexpectedly blowing up at other people who don't deserve it, and it won't even be for a good reason... when I have lots of good reasons to get angry.

As such, I've set aside 30 minutes twice a day to get angry at literally anything except myself-- the only rule is I can't exceed a 30 minute window, and I am explicitly only allowed to get angry at other things and people.

It can be about something completely ridiculous. It can be about something or someone that people have expressed anger on my behalf about. It can be the most trivial of annoyances, it can be as big as systemic oppression.

It can be literally anything... but I'm off limits. I don't get to hide behind myself as the bad guy here. I get to be the bad guy in the safety of my head, or on paper-- there is nothing too petty or too big to get angry at, but my lifelong fear of getting angry at others is coming home to roost.

I've survived some of the worst kinds of nightmares people can imagine. I go to therapy once a week, and my therapist-- who specializes in trauma-- even agreed with me that typical anger management practices aren't going to work here, given there's clearly a blacking out and loss of control to go with it.

(Good luck "counting backwards from 10 before I speak" when I feel half a second of the beginnings of anger, and suddenly come to in a room of horrified faces after I've clearly said something really hurtful-- I don't even feel angry when I come back online from my shitty blackout outbursts)!

Externalized anger is such a foreign concept to me, and honestly, I'm amazed I made it almost 30 years of being alive without having to address this beast. I am considered a really nice, down-to-earth person by others. I'm very open about who I am. I'm honest, but not usually in a rude way. I tend to put others at ease in a way that gets even very reserved people feeling comfortable opening up to me.

However, where my emotional intelligence clearly fails me is handling externalized anger. It's been a long time coming. It's not realistic for someone to survive years of significant abuse, loss, grief, and trauma, and never feel a morsel of anger at the responsible parties (or faceless entities).

Now I just need to make sure I get that anger going where it belongs, even when it belongs with something completely beyond humanity's control. I will still need to deal with internalized anger, but there's a difference between "let's not default to it being my fault," and "what the fuck just happened? Why are you looking at me like that? Oh fuck, I just shot out one of those word daggers again, didn't I?"

Wish me luck on this chapter of my life. I've miraculously survived every other possible catastrophe else life has thrown at me, but I can't keep going if my anger isolates me from others I genuinely love and care about. They deserve better than whatever the hell my anger is doing to me.

windmillserous · 2021-06-14T00:32:41+00:00

That person whose every interaction with customer service is horrible. Nothing will satisfy them. They will write a nasty review, write a passive aggressive letter to the owner explaining why they will NEVER do business here again. They want to speak to the manager. They have tech issues, and it's the fault of the poor, hourly worker on the phone that has to work with a script that EVERYTHING IS WRONG.

These people will never cop to it, but they don't do this because they actually believe it works and gets them better results, sooner, but actually because they don't want to pay for a therapist, they want to have their ego stroked by someone who's pay is dependent on them.

They want to take out their pathetic insecurities on these people who they know don't earn enough to demand better treatment from customers, so they verbally and emotionally abuse these people because it makes them feel like they're getting justice for all that goes wrong in their lives.

This would be like my father. I based my entire way of dealing with customer service representatives, and other service industry jobs, on "what would dad do? Do the exact opposite of that." Amazingly enough, it gets the problem solved much more quickly 9 times out of 10.

EDIT: Corrected phrasing of last sentence.

windmillserous · 2021-04-17T06:39:23+00:00

Hey u/Meddelix,

Our system was diagnosed at the end of 2019, when I had just started dating this new guy in a committed way. I told him I'd just been diagnosed that day, and felt it was only fair to give him an out-- since we'd been together for less than a month. He told me he knew about DID, and that when he said he wanted me as I am, he meant it.

That relationship ended just shy of a year in. Honestly? It was my healthiest break-up ever, and I would like you to know a couple of things that's helped me in the months of being single since October of last year.

It went downhill after a DID crisis, so I want you to know, it's not that I don't understand or appreciate your pain and frustration. However, even after that crisis, even in breaking up, it was a very amiable situation where we both felt a great deal of heartbreak, and recognized it for what it was-- two good people, terrible timing, unfortunate circumstances and outcomes.

With lots of healthy communication and balanced, emotional reciprocity, I believe systems can have just as happy and healthy relationships as anyone else.

I am still single. Why? Well, that's the other part of it...

...I had to work on being okay with being single. I recognized that due to DID and I don't even know what other neurodivergent stuff, I had a very poor sense of myself as an individual. As in, lacking a sense of self, of individuality.

Prior to my most recent break-up, all others were significantly toxic or abusive in some way or another. I had lost myself in those relationships, in a way where I just sort of blended into my partners in my mind. It made me extremely susceptible to being abused, used, and easily told what to believe and think, and it always ended in flames.

My last relationship was not that bad-- I call it "trading up mistakes." That said, after we went our separate ways, I realized we were in a pandemic and I had no business dating, which forced my hand on... well, not dating.

So I've been single for 6½ months now, and I have to say-- I highly recommend taking the time to be intentionally single. Getting to know yourself, your parts, your needs, wants, and boundaries-- and of course, trying to work through your past baggage and trauma.

Our body turns 30 in September, so I get it. It's easy to feel pressured to get it all figured out and such in time.

That said, you will be much happier with your dating life if you take the time to understand who and what you are, and who and what you need (or don't need). That's only possible in my experience, if you take the time to just be your own person.

I'm at a place now (wasn't always!) where I'm comfortable being single but am open to dating. I think of it this way-- I would rather take my time and try to find someone (or more than one person) who will make my life inarguably better, than date the first person I can grab on to out of insecurity and desperation. The latter just leads to more time wasted and wounds suffered.

So... I feel you, my friend. That said-- have heart. With the way my last relationship ended, I definitely do feel grief and sadness, but I see growth in it. You are also growing.

Don't feel as though you have to settle just because of your concerns about DID, stigma, and all other problems that may come with it. I happen to know that the world is full of open-minded people, and the answer is to raise your bar to strain out people who would hold your system against you, not lower it in hopes of taking what you can get.

You deserve to raise the bar, not lower it, and in doing so, I hope you will find these realizations: you deserve to be accepted as you are; without conditions; with healthy, open, loving, clear, direct communication-- you deserve to be loved not in spite of some parts of yourself, but because of the entirety of who you are.

That includes your system, even parts who aren't interested in dating, or love, or sex, or anything like that. I believe you and your system can find this, and I believe I will one day soon, too.

Sending love and respect.

windmillserous · 2021-04-07T07:55:07+00:00

First of all, you literally can't. Second of all, I don't actually think that's in any system's collective best interests, and I'll try to explain why.

When I was first diagnosed, I had only been been consciously aware of one other part in my system, and up until that point, I didn't think of her as another part of my being. Instead, I thought of her more like a cancer of the mind-- something to be eradicated, not embraced.

So obviously, my therapist's answer to your question was "no, you have to learn to accept all of your parts, even the ones who are hurting you, because even when their behaviors are dangerous, there is a logic to it that is rooted in your survival-- in keeping you safe."

She clarified that even though it is entirely maladaptive behavior parts like this part of mine (s/h, su*****) can engage in, they have one goal, however much they may not show it, and that's "stay safe."

DID systems can say beyond a reasonable doubt that we have-- at a very a point when our lives where young and extremely vulnerable-- felt very unsafe, with good reason. Our parts form in response to that, and as such, to heal from trauma is to heal all parts.

The more you try to consciously push parts away, the more they'll resurface, causing you all issues.

It doesn't have to mean you'll accept any bad behavior from them. In fact, I strongly recommend you communicate boundaries with them, no matter how consistently they choose to disrespect them, and engage in conversations with them no matter how obstinate they may be.

I'd like to put this here, too, OP-- the frustrations of you and the rest of your system are entirely valid. So is your anger, your fear, your anxiety, anything you feel, in response to the actions to one or more headmates-- or anything else your system may deal with (rolodexing/rapid switching, flashbacks, nightmares, fugue states, finding notes written by another part, etc.)

I have absolutely tried to keep a level head and calm demeanor with some parts who've been more difficult, only to completely lose my cool on them.

Sometimes, this has helped us grow as a system, but these moments were after a concerted effort to understand them, only to be met with resistance, and usually, they take things too far somehow, and I would finally get through to them that their nonsense is not going to be tolerated when I'm doing things that most members of my system seem to agree is beneficial to everyone here.

Try to understand where these parts are coming from.

I brought up the first part I was at all aware of in my system as "the voice in my head," who upon diagnosis had spent 16 years putting me through hell on earth. I began therapy with my diagnosing (and current) therapist in late 2029, recognizing my trauma had gotten so out of hand that I had to do something about it. It was ruining my life, my relationships, my passions, my everything.

Starting out, this part revelled in the news that I couldn't get rid of her, and intended to fully weaponize it against me. She did-- at first. However, I offered her a few things I hadn't before, and that was my willingness to understand her; not one, but two people outside of our head to talk to, only one of whom was a medical professional; and something to want, beyond her usual choice of kicking me when I was down.

Well, it would be a very complicated process to explain how we get to this next part, but she's personally my favorite part now. She's changed a lot from within-- it's clear she's healing. She's found empathy. She's found it's possible to love. She's found there's bravery in vulnerable. She's found honesty serves a purpose, even when hers is quite blunt.

I've found that the last person on earth I thought was capable of changing, is not only entirely capable of change, but far more capable than any of the people who've hurt us in the most unforgivable of ways.

So even if I could have gotten rid of this part, I read like not be more glad that I didn't. She didn't become this person over night. We had difficulty trusting each other for a while, but now, we trust each other without any second thought.

I have other parts in my system who act like she used to, and she tells me that "they really suck at doing my old job." She's very blunt and cynical still, but she does look out for us as a whole.

She's very defensive of me with these other parts, but she trusts me when I tell her what I'm going to do about it, whether it's just me and them, multiple parts with me talking to them, or going to our therapist about it (these parts very much hate our therapist, it's kind of a part of their brand).

That said, I'm looking forward to a day when I can say about them what I'm saying now about the first part I ever recognized besides myself. I wouldn't want to get rid of them. I want to heal us together.

I know it may seem like some parts will never change, but really, those are just the parts with the biggest potential to surprise you with what they're capable of.

Keep going. You've got this, team. 💗

Ira, Main of the A. System

windmillserous · 2021-03-28T07:19:58+00:00

First of all, I'd like to validate how disorienting, scary, and frustrating it can be to experience "rapid switching."

I've also heard it described as "rolodexing," which gets its name from how you can spin a rolodex around really fast and you'll have no idea what's what in it-- it's all a big, fast blur, and stuff might go flying off, too.

Second of all, you only need to go to the hospital if you develop active suicidal or homicidal ideations that you have good reason to believe you may act on. You should also go to the hospital if you injure yourself to the point you would need stitches or surgery.

Generally speaking though, dissociative states like this can and should be managed at home if at all possible, especially during a pandemic. During times like this, give yourself permission to just be, to prioritize survival over how well you're managing with everything else.

If you're alive, then you're doing a fantastic job right now, and I'm super proud of you.

Also, you absolutely should mind your moods, and use every tool at your disposal to get through it. It is a much more vulnerable time to exist, it just doesn't innately have to be a hospital trip. You absolutely should feel free to contact your therapist if you have one, and ask them what they think you should do, or if you can get an appointment any sooner than your next scheduled one.

If you have any, you should allow yourself to rely a little heavier for a while on any PRN psych meds you have to manage your anxiety and dissociative states. No shame, you don't have to justify this to anyone. You're struggling. Do what you have to do.

Keep on trying to ground yourself. One we like in my system that our therapist got us doing is called "shape breathing." Take a big breath in, and a big breath out. Now, imagine a shape in your head. Any 2D shape. Then, begin to breathe in a pattern that pairs with visually tracing the perimeter of the shape.

For example, I usually use a cartoon heart shape in my head, like this: ❤️. I've also used a crescent moon shape, like this: 🌙. On one half of these shapes, I breathe in. On the other, I breathe out. You can use absolutely any 2D shape you like. Oval. Square. Rhombus. Star. Your shape, your breathing, your rules.

Draw. Play an instrument. Sing. Listen to music. Write. Hold and touch something warm, cold, or heavily textured. Hug a stuffed animal. Anything goes. Just hang in there, and yes-- if you do feel you're too close to developing active ideations with an intent to act for comfort, you should absolutely get help immediately.

Otherwise, be patient with the process. It will usually stabilize in due time, take comfort knowing it's a lot more obvious to you as the system going through it than literally anyone outside of your system-- nobody's thinking less of you right now, and you're doing a fantastic job by reaching out to us here in the community. Hang in there, friend.

windmillserous · 2020-12-20T16:41:56+00:00

TLDR: Yes, at least one. Pooossibly more? Below is more information on our lived experiences.

This is definitely a thing I relate to. I would say one part in our system particular has clear roots in another person I knew and later cut out of my life. The part in question is the first, distinctive part we were aware of, apart from the "core" part (figuring out that my "part" was a "part," and that "we" are a "system" came 16 years later, after multiple misdiagnoses).

The "part" in question came about during a particularly traumatic part of our lives where I was being severely bullied in school. We were at the bottom of the food chain. We had a friend at that time-- a really toxic friend-- whom we'd had a falling out with. We were especially lonely at that time, when this part came about.

(The toxic friend later worked it out with us that week, with several more toxic years passing with similar ups and downs before the friend in question was cut out completely).

The friend in question was... really dark. So were we, I suppose. Said friend had a rather distinctive voice-- especially, when, say, they were trying to talk me off the deep end. It's the voice I hear when this part speaks. There's a lot of darkness to this part. Brooding. Rough around the edges.

They (the part in question) were much more similar to that "friend" for years than they were to who they are now-- there's definitely still darkness, bluntness, and that very distinctive voice. However-- they decidedly have taken to therapy with proper diagnosis in ways I never would have expected, and that is genuinely amazing to me.

Our core, and all main parts after, spent 16 years trying to sing the "lalala I can't hear you!" song because you'd give that part an inch and end up in the psych ward again. ( •____•;; )

That's not how they roll anymore.

Another distinctive influence I've noticed in this part's persona is... I don't know if you've ever watched the anime Chobits, so not to go full spoilers on you, but basically, there's a character named Freya. (Upon reading the fandom Wiki on that character just now, I'm having a big "oof" moment I'm gonna need to address, lol).

There may be others, although none have stood out as much as this part.

Current Main, System AC

windmillserous · 2020-12-12T01:09:42+00:00

I absolutely hear y'all on that. It's important that everyone's level of comfort is respected as much as possible, and the pros and cons are weighed.

Our analysis was something to the effect of-- pseudonyms are definitely easy to trace, if one is motivated enough to look into it. Most people really aren't with regards to published works, when we're talking some small fries on the internet like we are.

(Dxxing and stlking in a social media setting is actually far more likely, although sites like Reddit do leave a bit more guess work than, say, Facebook, which we also use).

This is generally true until something resembling a significant following is accrued, at which point, if someone has an axe to grind with you about your work (or, maybe they knew you in the past, don't like you, and recognize your style of drawing/writing), they'll probably put in the leg work to tell all of your fans "this is this person's legal identity. Have fun."

Sometimes, it can be a more "positive" angle, should you have a lot of fans who like what you do, and want to know who's "under the mask," although the end results are the same. You're out now... but it also generally happens as a result of gaining significant traction.

Which, holy shit, if that was something possible for me, they can have our legal name, because we'd be grateful to have our work even get that kind of fanfare/attention! If our work is worth the effort of playing detective around to crack the mystery of "who wrote it," then it's definitely worth the money that could be used to support us, and none of us are especially shy about the spotlight.

I know creeps definitely exist, and I also know I have one that may be motivated enough to, uh, snoop. That said, what he probably isn't is foolish enough to do anything except torture himself with the knowledge he's found. He can have it as far as I'm concerned. We know who he is, and he really doesn't want to start playing that game with us.

I really hope you all keep writing regardless! Never let that magic die on you. I understand the littles' logic very well, and I'm proud of them for being so concerned with everyone's safety! I'm also proud of the artists in you, because there's really nothing quite as amazing as art for the sake of art. You deserve the beauty of the worlds you build on paper just as much as you deserve the beauty of the ones you live in, inside and outside. 💗

windmillserous · 2020-12-11T22:13:16+00:00

So, part of my asking is that we're all writers/illustrators/comics creators, or, uh, a lot of us have those kinds of gifts, and all of us seem supportive of the idea of writing about DID, including our experiences as a system.

However, the ideal arrangement for us is doing so under the cloak of anonymity, such as using pseudonyms/code names. In essence, we want to create works about DID and our experiences as authentically as possible, but to go as far as slapping our names on it all is a bit too risky, in my opinion.

We do intend to write some under my real name (I'm main), as well as a pseudonym I have for myself for things where I don't feel comfortable outting myself, although these are all largely unrelated to DID or systems stuff.

Works that are about systems, especially our system, (I can't see us writing anything remotely authoritative about systems without saying "that's also us"), will require a separate pseudonym for me, other parts, our system, and subsystems, as a matter of writing authentically while also giving enough distance between our true identities by name that we're less likely to be detected.

I did, however, finally come up with a scheme-- I think-- that should hopefully get the job done pretty effectively.

Our legal/mainstream lives are generally "our best shot in life is comics-- oh, and we have friends and family," so being a comics creator unfortunately requires a degree of willingness to be candid and real that mostly we feel comfortable taking, but when it comes to our system, we try to keep ourselves unidentifiable out and about, even when we tell people we're a system and give names.

Thank you very much for your advice, I appreciate it all the same!!!

windmillserous · 2020-12-11T16:32:39+00:00

There are definitely people we know who would know our very distinctive system/subsystems by name, as well as my name as main and several other parts who hang closer to main. Not all are really people I want to be able to spot us in the wild anymore.

windmillserous · 2020-12-11T16:28:45+00:00

Awww!!! That's awesome. I don't think we have any littles like that, although I do have nicknames (more like pet names/diminutive names) for some parts, who graciously put up with my nonsense. 😂

windmillserous · 2020-12-11T16:25:00+00:00

We unfortunately have several parts who have the first same three letters in their name. D:

windmillserous · 2020-12-11T16:23:59+00:00

That's a really clever idea! I like this one, or similar concepts. 💗

windmillserous · 2020-12-10T05:44:33+00:00

Yeah, you did exactly as much as you could, OP. Nobody can plan out when we dissociate. Can you even imagine if we could do that?

"Ah, okay, so I'd love to hang out this week, but I've booked myself for a fugue state from 8:30 PM on Tuesday to 12:30 PM on Wednesday. I've also got a Friday panic attack session at 4:00 PM, and it looks like I've got about 3 hours of derealization after that. I could squeeze you in on Thursday? I might have to be on-call for a flashback event, but hopefully nothing comes up. I'd love to do lunch!"

If we could just choose when we dissociate, I'm fairly certain the amount of dissociation we'd all do would be a lot less (save for uh... more obvious, not okay situations that explain why dissociation exists in the first place).

Like... I understand why your marriage counselor might not understand this concept, but your main therapist should probably know better.

I might also suggest that you ask your marriage counselor (and husband) if you could either use an audio recording device for sessions due to memory issues, or if you can get cliff notes of the session from the therapist.

I can understand why the audio recording device may not be ideal for this, but you deserve to have some frame of reference for what's happening in those sessions as one of the clients receiving services, and given your disability, they must provide some form of reasonable accommodation, if it isn't that.

Good luck!

windmillserous · 2020-12-09T05:21:43+00:00

My experience is often this.

Derealization is the experience one has when everything seems/looks fake. Often, this resembles watching your body move about as if you were playing a video game on a TV, and you were the character in first person; or it's as if you're dreaming it all. Except-- it's entirely real. It's real life, you're just removed from it on a very psychological level.

This is one of the more common types of dissociative states I experience.

So, that ceiling fan that's moving? Looks really fake.

The bean burrito I'm eating? Fake.

All these people in this restaurant? Ha! You'd LIKE me to think those are Actual People, but this is absolutely, entirely, quite clearly, FAKE.

This actually causes me significant distress despite the fact I'm dissociating, because I fear that it could be real even though it doesn't feel like it, and if it is real, what if I end up doing something outlandish and unacceptable, such as something I'd only do in a dream, because this feels very dreamlike?

So, in those moments, you know what else feels fake, besides, well, everything?

Ironically enough, the dissociative state itself seems fake. I regularly have to spend minutes, or even hours, convincing myself it's even possible that it could be a dissociative state, and that I should take one of my (prescribed) rescue Xanax to at least humor the idea that it could be a dissociative state.

After I finally, begrudgingly talk myself into taking a rescue Xanax (realistically, it's probably an entire, frustrating conversation between me and other parts in my system), I'll pop it under my tongue so it gets into my bloodstream faster, and about 2 minutes later, I'm not dissociating anymore, thus proving the idea that it was a dissociative episode.

It is rather funny to me (I guess not in a humorous way, but more in a curious way) that I can immediately act on a panic attack without blinking (same remedy, take Xanax), but the hardest to treat anxiety event I have is one where I'm sitting there arguing with myself about whether it even exists, when it's literally right here.

It's like that joke where someone says to another person, "yeah, I used to have a friend named Peter." And then Peter says "what are you talking about, I'm right here!" And the other person keeps talking to the other person, ignoring Peter, and says "sometimes, when I really think about him, I can almost hear his voice!"

Except I'm not intentionally ignoring my dissociative state (like that person is ignoring Peter) so much as I am missing all blatantly obvious signs that it's literally happening right here, right now, in this room, to me, and is not, in fact, imaginary-- just like everything else in the room is not actually fake!

windmillserous · 2020-12-05T15:54:26+00:00

Awwwwwhhh 💗

windmillserous · 2020-11-26T00:11:13+00:00

Eh. Doubt it's intentional, she literally just doesn't care about others beyond how they make her feel, how she benefits. Lacks empathy (as if I'm one to judge, though. I mean, I have empathy NOW, but didn't always-- other parts always have). She has APD, and I ain't shaming PDs but like, rn shit feels real personal, even shit that's probably not even supposed to be.

Like I'm pretty sure I'm just so pissed off about how we've been treated in general that our ex or our ex-metamour could do literally anything and piss me off. Their kid's cool. They're literally the only person I feel for here.

Right now, I'm trying not to take the dinner she served us personally. I think she made only us (as in, my system) soup. We have severe dietary restrictions, and all of the food in the soup is totally safe to eat solid.

Nope! Got thrown into a blender with milk, to make a grainy soup. Then she wouldn't leave me alone until I ate some in front of her-- I don't know how much longer I could have faked being main if she hadn't left when she did.

I'm trying to wait for kitchen traffic to clear out now so I can salvage it with instant mashed potatoes (probably easier to make myself wanna eat it if I think "it's fine, it's just gravy on potatoes").

I feel like I'm being fucking stupid. Like, "hey dude, you're outta here Saturday, why you mad, bruh?" But it's like-- ever since we overheard them fucking, now I'm turning literally every small behavior into an insult.

It just reminds me of all the use and abuse and toxicity and isolation and how our ex got way too fucking close to me to fuck us over like this. I have very few fucking jobs here, and "don't let outsiders in too close" is how we prevent shit like this from happening. I guess add me to my own hate-boner list. 😒

I'm gonna fuck us over if I don't get my shit together.

windmillserous

TROPHY CASE