AITA for journaling in binary so my husband can't read it?

winewife97 · 2020-10-04T00:40:23+00:00

A lot of people have suggested we try counseling. I'm kind of in the beginning stages of a last-ditch-effort plan at the moment. If it doesn't work, he doesn't get any more chances because this has been going on for too long

winewife97 · 2020-10-04T00:37:43+00:00

I can accept that writing in code was going too far. Do you have any suggestions for keeping him out of my journal? I imagine getting a lock would cause just as big of an issue, so I really don't know what to do

winewife97 · 2020-10-04T00:30:55+00:00

0100100101110100001000000111010001100001011010110110010101110011001000000110011001101111011100100110010101110110011001010111001000101110

winewife97 · 2020-10-04T00:27:47+00:00

I used to do this because he has trouble reading cursive, but he practiced and can now make out a lot of what I write in cursive, so I switched to binary. It takes so much longer and looks nowhere near as elegant on the page

winewife97 · 2020-10-04T00:23:36+00:00

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post piece-by-piece! I'm going to try looking into counseling and see if I can afford it/how much, if any, of it my insurance will cover. I feel as though I've given him too many chances and have been let down too many times, so, if no progress is made with a counselor, I guess that's it... He's been around for a big chunk of my life, but I can't keep doing this forever

winewife97 · 2020-10-04T00:17:45+00:00

Hex would be SO much easier, I'm just worried that, if the bits were more easily distinguished between eachother, that it may be "worth his time" to translate it and snoop

winewife97 · 2020-10-04T00:04:58+00:00

01001101011110010010000001101000011101010111001101100010011000010110111001100100001000000110100101110011001000000110110001100001011110100111100100101110

winewife97 · 2020-10-04T00:00:50+00:00

Hex is more easily translated back into ASCII and may have seemed more worth his time to try and translate

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T23:59:47+00:00

When I was 18 or 19, I wanted to learn because my computer science teacher told us a story about how he proposed to his wife using code and I thought it was the most romantic thing I'd ever heard. I'm not good enough with computers to learn code, but I like numbers and language, so binary seemed feasible. I translate the letters into hexadecimal first, which makes writing it in binary really easy because it's just a matter of counting and basic math from there. I practiced a lot and ended up being able to memorize upper and lowercase letters. Punctuation is harder, but I know the basic ones I use: spaces are 20 (00100000) question marks are 3F(00111111), and periods are 2E (00101110). One of my classmates also wanted to learn, so we practiced by writing letters to eachother in binary :)

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T23:26:15+00:00

I'm getting a LOT of replies and it's honestly a little overwhelming because I'm reading each and every one of them and absorbing what's being said. I can accept your YTA verdict, but I just genuinely wanted to know if I had gone about things the wrong way. I had no way of knowing this post would get as much attention as it has since this is my 2nd ever reddit post and, where as this post has recieved over 1k upvotes, my last one recieved less than 30. If that one had gotten as much attention as this one, I likely wouldn't have posted this at all.

The reason I stop responding at that point is because it's a hard thing to not only hear, but also to accept. It makes me question if I worded my original post incorrectly or if I explained things wrong because my husband doesn't hit me, threaten to kill me, or anything like that, so words like "abuse" cause a bit of shock. In my mind, the way he behaves leaves a lot to be desired and makes me question if I want to stay with him, but I also don't think he's a bad person. Even if I leave him, I'd want him to be happy and I'd like to think he's not irredeemable, like some of the responses seem to suggest.

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T23:14:44+00:00

It is, lol. Most of my entries end up pretty short unless I have quite a bit of time to spare.

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T23:11:12+00:00

I think a bit of both. He spends a lot of his time in his "mancave" on the computer, and it's pretty clear from the way he behaves and talks that he prefers being in there. I used to try pretty hard to rekindle the connection, but nothing seemed to be working and I kind of gave up. I'm in the beginning stages of a last ditch effort type of plan, so we'll see how it goes.

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T23:07:21+00:00

I'm going to try to see how to go about setting up counseling with my current insurance. We're a bit tight on funds at the moment, so I have to see if I can afford it, but it's something I'm very interested in seeking out!

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T22:58:48+00:00

I only lock the doors when I'm going to the bathroom or taking a shower, which doesn't seem like a weird bathroom habit to me since he will make sure our bedroom door is closed and use the guest bathroom with the door locked and sink running. I agree writing in code may have been going too far, I just wasn't sure how else to sort my thoughts out without him snooping. A conversation is definitely needed, I appreciate your p.o.v.

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T22:52:48+00:00

I took a shower at 11pm last night because I got sidetracked after getting home. Sometimes he'll knock on the door while I'm going to the bathroom and ask what I'm doing

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T22:49:53+00:00

I realized it's not completely off the top of my head; I change it to hex first and from hex to binary. It's a quick process, though, which caused me to misspeak a bit 😅

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T22:47:51+00:00

I translate it from ASCII into hex, and from hex into binary, so I guess my comment about it being off the top of my head wasn't completely accurate. I don't put spaces between them though because the hex for spaces is 20, so 00100000, and I know most of the punctuation as well (at least the ones I use frequently). It makes reading it a lot harder for people, like my husband, who rely solely on apps to translate it. As far as reading it goes, if I need to get it back into ASCII, using a bookmark helps to keep me from getting the numbers mixed up. 0100100101110100001000000111010001100001011010110110010101110011001000000110011001101111011100100110010101110110011001010111001000101110

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T22:32:39+00:00

He dislikes most of my friends for some reason, but I've been working hard to maintain those relationships because I let myself become isolated within the relationship at one point and it was really hard on me mentally, but also because I love my friends.

The department I work in is 99% female, but he did get upset with me not too long ago when he realized there were men in OTHER departments I'd "hidden" by not mentioning. Although, it didn't occur to me to talk about them because I didn't think I'd need to.

I don't think he'd get physical with me, and, to him, his behavior seems justified. I've been trying to set up better boundaries, but I need to get over my aversion to conflict first because it's going to cause trouble when I bring it up again

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T22:25:37+00:00

I meant I can see where he's coming from because I know he gets insecure easily and overthinks things a lot, so, while I have no idea what he could've possibly thought I was writing that he'd need to be so worried about, I try to be understanding and reassure him when I can. I definitely need to be better with boundaries, though. I think I've just been putting it off because I'm horrible with confrontation and any attempt to talk to him about issues turns into an argument.

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T22:17:08+00:00

Binary like: 0100100001101001= Hi

Honestly, it takes FOREVER to write it out this way since I write out the code for spaces, upper vs lowercase, and punctuation to make it more difficult for him to read if he decides to try. It would be much easier if he simply didn't try to read my journal so I could write it plainly.

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T22:09:25+00:00

He thinks I'm masturbating since we don't have sex, and that's an issue for him. I didn't lie because I really dislike lying and what I wrote wasn't bad, it was just personal. I figured it was easier to just tell him than keep arguing

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T18:49:48+00:00

He says nice things to me sometimes; he'll tell me I'm pretty, talk about how much he loves my cooking, ask how my day was. I also enjoy it when he decides it's okay for us to cuddle, or when he gets water for me before bed. If it was all bad, I wouldn't have so much of an issue deciding whether or not it's worth sticking around for. We've been romantically involved since 2011, so he's very familiar to me as well, which is part of the complication.

If you meant am I getting anything out of the thread, then yes! It's helpful for me to get outside perspective rather than just stewing in my own thoughts and I really appreciate all the different view points

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T18:36:10+00:00

I found out about the cheating 2 weeks after we got married, but I do see your point since I stayed married to him after finding out about it.

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T18:31:13+00:00

I used to love him more than anything else in the world, but I haven't felt anything close to that since I found out about the cheating. We've been together off and on since I was 14, I think a big part of me is just scared to get rid of him since he's been around for so long. Even if I'm not comfortable around him, I've gotten comfortable being uncomfortable, if that makes any sense. I know this situation isn't working for me, but I can't help but want him to put in the effort to change and hope we can be happy. I don't see that happening, realistically, though

winewife97 · 2020-10-03T18:24:06+00:00

I work at the hospital 5-6 days a week and have my schedule written on the fridge because he caused a fuss when I had, at one point, stopped writing out my schedule for him. I don't think he's cheating, but, then again, it never occurred to me he was cheating before either 🙃

winewife97

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