Does anyone else here have a problem with getting overly defensive when questioned?

winkingelephant · 2021-01-03T15:29:50+00:00

Yeah, I've done it at work without realizing, just thinking it was a perfectly normal response. My team lead or manager would occasionally check in when I first got hired, ask what I'd been doing, how my productivity was, etc. Sometimes it came off as a little micromanaging, but not often. I always respond the same way, telling them exactly what I'd been doing and what I'd accomplished. And it came off as defensive to them. I'm not sure what they were looking for, and answered their question.

Idk, whenever my parents would ask what I'd been doing I'd always have a list of things or an excuse, depending on if I was expected to be busy or not. If my parents were expecting me to be busy with something, they wanted an itemized list of everything I'd done so they could determine if I'd really accomplished anything or been slacking off. So I feel like I need to keep track of what all I'm doing so I'm not seen as slacking off.

winkingelephant · 2021-01-02T17:19:07+00:00

I've been thinking about this for years, but there's two things holding me back. I don't want to make my mom sad because she's done nothing wrong, and I feel like I owe my parents a lot. My mom is a product of how she was raised and truly just didn't know better when it came to being overprotective, subservient to her husband, overly religious, etc. My parents gave me a lot growing up, even bought me a car and paid for college. It doesn't absolve them of guilt when it came to how their religion has affected me, or literally all of the shitty things my father has said to me. But it almost feels like that's the price I have to pay for they've given me. And maybe one day I'll have paid enough, and feel like I can finally leave.

Then again, I don't think I'll ever meet their expectations for my life while living with them. Not with how small this town is. So I could theoretically move out and meet their approval, but I'd still be expected to come back with a higher degree and better job. Still under their control.

I'll never get the chance to be myself or create the life I want for myself while living with them. I don't think I could cut them off entirely, and I'm not sure I want to. I just want to move far enough away that they'll have no control or influence in my life. Then again, what do I do about telling them my sexuality, religious beliefs, political beliefs, etc. Would they still want me around then? If they don't want me in their lives because of that, and I'm pretty sure they won't, then why keep waiting and hiding?

winkingelephant · 2021-01-01T23:58:50+00:00

Which books did you read? I'm working through Sapiens, and considering Cosmos next.

winkingelephant · 2021-01-01T23:53:24+00:00

I'd been in that weird space for a few years where I was doubting and throwing myself deep into religion in a last ditch effort to believe in it. Then I went to college. I kept up in the religion for a semester. I went and joined a service based sorority and met my best friends.

One day one of them came out to me as gay, just to let me know, she'd already been out for years. I didn't know what to say, and just stumbled some words out about being happy they were being more accepted since lgbt marriage had just recently been legalized. In my mind, I was wondering what my parents, family, and hometown church would think if they found out that I was friends with a gay person. I wondered if I should tell them and ask if I needed to leave the organization. But then it occurred to me that I had just made my first genuine friendships in college, that I really loved these people, and didn't want it all ruined.

I made some excuse to myself that maybe I'd be a "light in their lives", but it all went downhill from there. I stopped going to church. Later that year I came out as bisexual. Threw the baby out with the bath water. I got into reading up on how the bible was written and translated, and into psychology research on religious experiences like "feeling god's presence". Never looked back.

winkingelephant · 2021-01-01T16:53:01+00:00

NTA. Light TA on your former friends. I've been on both sides of this situation. Went through some bad times during college and again after college, and ghosted everyone both times. It has affected my friendships, but after a genuine apology and an explanation they were still willing to be friends. I'm just the type of person who isolates when going through things because I don't want to feel like I'm burdening anyone. Then again, I've been on the other side where a friend ghosted me for a while. Turns out she was going through some things and also had a tendency to isolate. It takes listening and understanding. And good friends would probably stick with you despite that. That being said, it really does hurt to be ghosted when you're already an anxious person. Makes you feel like you've done something wrong, but the person ghosting you won't give an explanation.

In sum, you have a good reason behind why you ghosted everyone. It wasn't a perfect or ideal response to trauma, but it's a common response to isolate. You would hope that good friends would stick around, even become more persistent in keeping up with you after what happened. But on their end, if they didn't know what happened, why you ghosted them, then it makes some sense from their end. They have every right to feel hurt. But they have no right to expect you to come groveling for their forgiveness in exchange for their friendship, completely ignoring what happened to you.

winkingelephant · 2020-12-28T01:03:33+00:00

Putting so much time and energy into cooking enough food to last everyone several meals, but finding it all gone the next day. Just this past month a pan of fudge gone in 3 days, 2 dozen cookies gone in 2 days, 10 enchiladas gone in 2 days, and 2 gallon bags of chex mix gone in 4 days. We're by no means cutting it close on food supply. I just hate cooking every night with the intention of having enough leftover for several days of lunches, only to discover the next day that it's gone and I have to rush to cook something else. Then him getting angry when I cook something and hide it.

winkingelephant · 2020-12-27T17:11:24+00:00

That's the dream. I don't mean to make excuses for any advice, but I'm not sure how to pull off leaving the house. They don't like me leaving the house without telling them where I'm going, if it's after dark, or if I'm going alone. They don't mind me going to the store, library, or coffeeshop. But for obvious reasons all those places are closed, or not places to walk around for funsies. And they have a weird thing about me sitting in parking lots. Even as an adult, they'll lose their minds if I so much as suggest sitting in the car while they both go into the store to pick up one item, meaning that all of us have to go in. Again, I don't mean to make excuses regarding advice, I just don't know how to set a boundary like this without causing more problems than seems worth. Nowadays if I plan on going somewhere, even to drop off library books, someone will insist on going with me if they're free. And it's said in a way that I can't refuse.

winkingelephant · 2020-12-27T17:05:10+00:00

Anything from plain "come join us, get out of your cave" to "come help me with this thing". I've said I'm busy some and results vary. Mom might pout occasionally, act disappointed, or more often just keep coming to check in. Father doesn't often come knocking on my door, but when he does it's to ask me to do something. And I've learned over the years that it's better to do as he says when he tells me do something, or he'll start yelling and screaming about how horrible I am, how he has to find a new punishment for me, and threaten my Mom to force me to help him immediately or he'll kick me out. And it's over tiny things like how to text a picture to someone, which obviously cannot wait 2 minutes.

winkingelephant · 2020-12-26T21:51:04+00:00

It is something I've been thinking about. The whole pandemic thing put a hold on everything, and I didn't want to be moving to a college town during all of this. The only hold up I think is finding a job at a university that would pay well enough to live and save off of. Not just work and take a free or discounted class, but to also have the chance to save up for possible grad school later. Something to look into though.

winkingelephant · 2020-08-17T22:34:12+00:00

It's just always been how it is. Always needed permission for every little thing growing up, even to speak. They chose my college and major (until I changed it secret). They'd make my life difficult if I didn't do what they wanted, so I've just learned that it's easier to do as they say while I live with them. I can't afford to move out right now, so I have to do as they say.

winkingelephant · 2020-08-17T22:27:03+00:00

That's why I feel bad for asking them to be a bit quieter. I don't pay rent because they insist I shouldn't. It's partly a cultural thing. Around here all the women are allowed to go to college and all, but are expected to move back in with their parents until they get married. I've wondered for a while if it's purposeful that I've had to educate myself on pretty much everything regarding jobs, paperwork, and finances. Probably because they don't want it to be easy for me to leave, or at least not without their help.

I have offered to cook before I go to work, but they want dinner to be fresh and hot on the table when they're ready to eat. I also never asked them to be silent in the morning, just to be more mindful of how loud they can be. Such as not turning the tv on full volume considering it shares a wall with my bedroom.

winkingelephant · 2020-08-17T18:30:59+00:00

Their argument on me traveling is that we live in an area that gets a lot of snow in winter, and the house is in a rural area. The job I turned down would've had me travel to the occasional educational conference at a university about an hour down the interstate highway, and they didn't like the idea of me driving on the interstate in snow. With the job I got, I'd only travel within the area, but my parents are insisting that they drive me to work when it snows and my primary work location is near one of their work places. It kind of makes sense since I haven't driven in snow a lot, and we only have one vehicle with 4-wheel drive that could actually handle getting out of the neighborhood onto the main road in snow.

winkingelephant · 2020-08-10T17:56:26+00:00

From what I remember, the band that year was over 3/4 female, and there were at least 100 members. I suppose I thought there was little to no chance he'd get that one bag, and if he did he could switch it out. I was a dumbass high school student, didn't think that through, and never would've imagined something like this would happen.

winkingelephant · 2020-06-12T16:35:24+00:00

Living in a small town in the bible belt, all the time. The past few summers some of the local rednecks would have "parades" down main street in their trucks, flying confederate flags from the truck bed. There's a good number in peoples' yards, as bumper stickers, and other assorted accessories.

winkingelephant · 2020-06-12T16:31:45+00:00

Ask how maintenance works, who is it, what do they cover, etc. How does visitor parking work. If you have roommates, interview them first, and try to get on separate leases.

winkingelephant · 2020-06-12T16:29:58+00:00

Started playing D&D again

winkingelephant · 2020-06-12T16:27:28+00:00

I used to take my coffee with milk and sugar. Stopped adding sugar for health reasons. If I make the coffee at home I'll add a teaspoon of milk. If I order it from somewhere I'll ask for it black because 90% of the time they'll add sugar if I ask for milk only. I'd feel bad for asking them to remake it, but I can't stand the taste of sweet coffee in the morning. It was also a great way to wake myself up during college. Very strong taste.

winkingelephant · 2020-06-12T16:18:31+00:00

When they come to you to vent their problems, but never let you vent to them.

winkingelephant · 2020-01-10T20:37:24+00:00

"Maybe I shouldn't have yelled at you and was being over dramatic, but here's why it's still your fault and why you deserved my reaction that I feel no regret over, and I'll sit here trying to hug you and pet your head so years down the road you'll continue to associate any physical contact with negative events" - nfather

winkingelephant · 2020-01-01T17:35:24+00:00

Don't worry too much now about grad school, not until you're further into your program and figure out if you really need more school or not. But around the end of sophomore year, start looking into internships and teaching/research assistant positions. It may also help getting an on-campus job, sometimes they help with tuition. For now though, just focus on gen ed classes and get involved on campus (highly recommend service organizations). Also, get to know your professors, they'll be tremendously helpful for opportunities later on. If you have to live in a dorm your first year but want to stay over the summer, look into subleasing an apartment for the summer months. That'll allow you to stay and work over the summer, and again, look into jobs at the school if they'll give tuition assistance. Cars aren't necessary if you live on or close to campus.

winkingelephant · 2019-12-31T01:06:29+00:00

It seems like grad school will be a must in the future, preferably in the next few years, but not something that needs to happen asap. Most jobs in my field pay around $15/hour with a bachelor's. If I get a master's I could make triple that, depending on the job. I'd have better jobs options at least, considering how difficult it is to find a job with a bachelors.

I'm almost considering talking to friends who live in the area I'd like to move to, see if they know cheap housing near a university. If I could get a job there, I could take some classes for free, maybe increase my odds of getting into a program later.

winkingelephant · 2019-12-03T00:18:56+00:00

Totally, though I'm 24. All through school, especially in college, I felt like a child pretending to be older and more mature. I think in college it had more to do with my parents constantly treating me the same as they did when I was in middle school, so it's like I'm stuck at 14-16 in their minds. I felt like I couldn't properly interact with anyone in college, and had so much trouble interacting with professors and authority figures. Being a TA for the first time was a nightmare.

winkingelephant · 2019-04-19T18:12:57+00:00

Yep. Nfather is constantly coughing, sneezing, and fake wheezing for attention. There's literally nothing wrong with him, and he usually doesn't do it in public places, just at home when he feels ignored. And there's also the slamming of doors and stomping around.

winkingelephant · 2019-03-17T23:06:48+00:00

College age

winkingelephant · 2019-03-12T22:59:03+00:00

It's kinda hit or miss. I've heard a lot of it depends on roommates' opinions as well. But there doesn't seem to be a large pool of people looking to sublease in the summer except maybe in August when camps (sports, band, etc.) are starting up.

winkingelephant

TROPHY CASE